Japan Part 4 - Matthew's Super Hits TV Show

After being completely traumatized watching 5 minutes of Japanese pron at the hostel room - had some horrible psycho-thriller-stalker plot - which will take years of therapy to heal the scars - we decided to venture out for dinner nearby Akasaka - a riverside suburb famous for having the Asahi Beer Brewery located there.

We wandered around the river and along the Pachinko and Gaming district for about an hour in search of food. As Ant was feeling a little sick - he was feeling a tad unadventurous in terms of food. We must of walked past a 1000 restaurants with the whole lacquered food display thing happening - but Ant was a little toey about ordering items by pointing at them and the possibility that any of the dishes had fish in them (a big no-no in Ant's cookbook).

Feeling a bit defeated - we headed to Ueno by metro, where we encountered our first vending machine restaurant. What drawed us was the set of instructions which were in engrish. What you do is you pick a dish (via some dodgy photos or lacquered food display) - and choose its corresponding number in a vending machine. Once you have paid and got a ticket out of the machine - you hand it to an overindulgence chef who creates your conjunction pretty much straight away. I also had my first experience with an automatic beer vending machine - where you insert your money, pop a beer glass in the dispenser - and it dishes you up a beer - complete with a head. After the whole "I don't want fish" attitude from Ant - he accidentally ordered a fish noodle soup from the vending machine restaurant. But the moral of the story was that Ant ate his fish and didn't get any violent explosive toilet aftermaths.

The next morning - we woke up and got our usual early morning Japanese TV fix. Of note was a J-Pop show that we saw - where the aptly named "Kinki Kids" were number 4 on the charts. The Kinki Kids are like an aging backstreet boy band-style duo who sing crappy J-Pop songs (you don't really need to say "crappy" and "j-pop" together because it is like a double negative). A side note - my brother bought me a Kinki Kids t-shirt - which I wore to a "fun shirt day" at work once. It was the only time I've worn the shirt because people started to accuse that I was a "dodgy uncle".

In order to satisfy our Japanese old school culture fix - we headed on out via the metro to the Hie-Jinja Shrine in Kasumigaseki. It was an old school Shinto shrine (complete with red tori gates) which was smack bang in the middle of a skyscraper jungle. It was a great example of the strange mix of the old and new in Japan. Also of note - there was a "mecha" concrete tori gate - just to rub in the strange mix of old and new.

We wandered to (according to our touristy map) "the hottest of hot" tourist attractions - Roppongi Hills. As Mugatu, the villain in Zoolander would say - "Roppongi Hills is sooo hot right now...!". Roppongi Hills is a brand spanking new (well 2003 new) mecha commercial complex with lots of eclectic architecture and skyscrapers. There are (according to the tourist map) state of the art "Virgin" cinemas, a few art galleries, shops and stuff. The buildings are definitely kewl and there were a few bits of art around the place including a Berlin Bear (a whole series of bears painted around Berlin - which we had seen a couple of years ago in Berlin) and the giant spider thingy that looks like the giant spider thingy from the Tate Modern in London (which we had seen a couple of years ago in London).

We stumbled across the Asahi TV station (in Roppongi Hills) which made the Roppongi Hills visit definitely worth it. What drew our attention was a big cardboard cut out of the TV host who was in "Lost In Translation" (the really camp TV show with blonde hair which was really crazy). What we learned was that this guy is real and so is his show - called "Matthew's Best Hit TV" and you could even get Matthew's Best Hit merchandise from the Asahi gift shop in the lobby. Definitely worth checking out for all of you Japanese TV freeks.

After Roppongi - we headed to the Tokyo Government Metropolitan Towers in Shenjuku. We had decided not to fork out the $20AUD to go up the Roppongi tower but thought the free trip up the Metro Govt Towers represents greater value for money. Ant thought that perhaps we could see Mt Fuji as it was less smoggy - but unfortunately - it was still hella smoggy - and no Mt Fuji was to be seen. Nearby the towers is the Park Hyatt (aka hotel in "Lost in Translation"). I was pointing out to Ant saying - "that must be the pool at the top of the hotel!". I hadn't realised that we were becoming "Lost in Translation" trainspotters...

We wandered around Shenjuku (which is described as "full of energy and power, flourishing as the core of the Tokyo Metropolis" by our crappy Tokyo Map) aka Tokyo's downtown CBD area trying to find some lunchies. After agreeing to disagree - I had some seafood/tempura stuff (with bonus deep fried purple vegetables - yum) and Ant had some curried meat (with bonus scrambled eggs) - at separate restaurants.

After lunch - we both checked out the shopping strips of Shenjuku. Even though Ant has a reputation for being a notorious shopper - I managed to outshop him (buying a couple of japanesey PSP games - he only bought one t-shirt).

I had organised to meet my brother for dinner - who wanted to take us to the "Lock Up" Theatre Restaurant at Ikebukaro. After taking 1hr to get from Ueno to Ikebukara in a crazed attempt to save my brother 50Yen from not catching certain Metro lines (or something) which didn't work - we arrived at Lock Up. Lock Up is a prison theatre restaurant - where you get handcuffed by a leather clad police woman and taken to a cell (where in true japanese style - you need to take off your shoes in order to keep the cell floors clean). At around 10:30pm - the staff killed the lights - and there were a few random masked jason killers wandering around the prison trying to scare the guests. A mummy attacked me by pretending to "eat" my hands... Because my brother was laughing so hard... the mummy disappeared - then reappeared over our cell wall and jumped onto my brother - freeking him out. Hell - this beats Dirty Dicks for a good night out.

Japan Part 3 - Tokyo Day 1

Ant and I got up near to the crack of dawn (7ish) which equates to a sleep in for me... Sleeping on wafer thin mattress on the floor left Ant with a worse-for-ware back pain. I caught up with a bit of Pokemon action on a local TV station (Pokemon was making about the same level of sense as it would watching it with English - eg: not much. That little Pikachu does remind me of the "Drawn Together" character of "Ling Ling" - a cute but totally malevolent character hell bent on destroying stuff and murder. In the episode of Pokemon I was watching - Pikachu was dancing with some cute characters - then got hella mad and blew up a hot air balloon - Pikachu is pure evil.

Japanese TV and TV commercials is one of our favourite past times in Japan - it is totally off-the-wall with super kitsch presenters and ads with Robots peeing out sports drinks. Who wouldn`t love it! Also of note are the super cheesy TV news and current affairs shows - where they will add dramatic music and black and white footage to make all the alleged murders look more evil. Today Tonight has met it`s match.

After grappling with the crazy hostel shower (you basically wash yourself on the floor and get everything in the room wet) - we ventured out to get us some bakery goodies - asia style. If you have never experienced them - asian bakeries are truly strange yet compelling. You might think you are buying a jam donut- but infact - the donut is filled with curried meat. After trekking thru the electronics district at 9am on a Sunday morning (aka everything is shut) - we found an upmarket bakery. Unfortunately - the guessing game wasn`t needed as all of the curried donuts were translated into english.

We caught the subway to the National Modern Art Museum for a bit of a culture fix. It housed purely Japanese stuff from the 20th century. It was interesting as some of it was very european influenced (big on impressionism, cuban stuff and surrealisism) and some was very traditional Japanese - but in a way - the Japanese culture is a great mix of the traditional and the west, weird and wacky.

We headed via foot to the Imperial Palace and Gardens　- complete with snow still on the ground from a snow storm the week before. Apparently - my brother and his girlfriend were stuck on the tarmac at Narita Airport for 6 hours because of the snow storm. But hopefully - this will all be good for our skiing bit of the holidays at Niseko. The gardens were pretty and all the gardening was very Japanese-y - everything was trimmed within an inch of its life including all the lawn.

We wandered into Ginza - a downtown business/rich b###h area and checked out the shops... They had a fantastic exhibitation centre - which makes Federation Square look like the Canberra Convention Centre (or worse... the Queanbeyan bicentennial Convention Centre). According to a crappy map we got at the hostel - this was the hottest of hot tourist attractions.... Bit of a hyperbole..

We made tracks down to Shibuya for a bit of a pop-culture fix - Japanese style. Shibuya is full of neon signs and giant tv screens and young peoples. I can`t remember if my brother said that this was the "Pink" district (aka Red Light in Engrish) of Tokyo - but it wasn`t sleazy. After giving the National Energy Museum a miss - we headed onto Harajuku via foot.

I think Harajuku has become a bit of a "hot Tokyo touristic attraction" - thanks to Gwen Steffani and her love affair with the local Harajuku girls - who spend all their time dressing themselves in crazy clothes and standing outside Harajuku station on the weekends. Here - it is not only OK to stand and gawk at the girls - but taking photos with them is encouraged. Marylin Manson seems to be really big or something - as most girls looked like Marylin groupies complete with black coloured contact lenses and goth clothes. Ant was worried about the girl who was dressed up like a Nazi stormtrooper...(WTHIWWJP!) There were a "cool" couple who were cranking out some J-Rock numbers to a tracking tape. The guy had an electric guitar and was doing some Van Halen moves. Nearby - a masked superhero (with a beach towel for a cape) was dancing along. Rock out!

After this - Ant wanted to make tracks to Snoopy Town - a store full of, you guessed it, snoop and peanuts merchandise. The store was full of young girls rummaging thru all the s### and 6"ft2 Ant was sticking out like a sore thumb.

We went to the Shiujuku Gardens - complete with Tori Gates of the non-floating variety. We even did a "Lost in Translation - Kyoto scene"style wedding crashing as a traditional wedding ceremony was passing thru the Hinto Shrines in the middle of the park. Ant was running around like the paparazzi taking pictures of the wedding couple.

As Ant has eaten something somewhat off (probably Qantas` in flight cooking - ironically it was me who had the fish and I feel OK).... so we are back at the Hostel and chilling　(hence I`ve been writing the blog). I`m close to going on a rampage because the stewpid internet radio is playing Kelly Clarkson for the umpteen time and it is reminding me of our noisy neighbour back at Canberra.... With the added bonus of this annoying kid playing virtua Pachinku on the computer next to me with the sound turned up real loud.　　Agghh..

Anyway - saynoara for now!

Japan Part 2 - Hello Tokyo... Goodbye Skis...

We got lucky on our flight to Tokyo - as both Ant and I each got an exit row to ourselves.

In our first "WTHIWWJP" style moment - we were subjected to a Japanese version of "red faces" on the plane whereby contestants would do crazy things and the audience would rate them on their performance via a "clap-o-meter". If they got a big enough applause - a buzzer would go off and a playboy bunny would come out on stage and give them a medal. Some of the contestants have a promising career in the sex industry in Japan (a la the woman at the nightclub in "Lost in Translation") with their amazing display of aerobatic feats.

Our flight was a day flight - so we didn`t feel completely wrecked upon our arrival to Tokyo. As we were getting our bags off the baggage carousel - there was a big sign with "Anthony from QF XXXX - Please report to the JAL staff". We got both of our main luggage bags - Ant had to steal one off someone who tried to take it home... But we were minus our ski bag.
The JAL staff were helpful in a "super enthusiastic Japanese" sort of way". The guy said there was a mix-up at Melbourne airport and the skis would be here the next day via a flight from Singapore(??!). Maybe the lost skis were a bit of a blessing in disguise as we didn`t have to carry them around Tokyo and its trains to our hostel.

Our hostel (which was a 10 min walk from the subway - which sort of sucks carrying your bags and ski boots) is a bit like the bastard love child of a youth hostel and a traditional ryokan (Japanese inn). There is a trashy style lobby with backpackers hanging out to internet radio from the UK, whilst the rooms are very Japanese traditional - tatami mats and sleeping on floors and such. Our room even had a TV with a video player (with bonus VHS tapes). As I was innocently browsing thru them - there was "Boyz from the Hood" - but then it started getting a little blue. The second video had a Japanese woman tied up on the cover... The third was entitled "Leotard Erotic Lesson", the forth was a "Rape-o-rama" video with the backcover saying it was full of "Super Sexy Violence" - and so forth. I can`t recall any of this being advertised when we booked this place?! Maybe it is traditional?!... but I`m 100% sure that this stuff would be banned in Australia. I`ve said it once and I`ll say it again - WTHIWWJP! AGGGHH!

As we were feeling a bit unadventurous and tired - we set off to the nearest Yoshinoya - a Japanese chain restaurant which serves "Beef Bowl Noodles" (which I have seen in Sydney, Hong Kong and America). It is cheap and reasonably cheerful and recommended if you ever have a hangover in Japan. I had a bit of a Heimlich Maneuver experience - as I choked on my Miso Soup (some green vegetable thing stuck to the side of my throat). Yoshinoya was an exceptionally embarrassing place to start choking and coughing my brains out - as the place was full of single guys eating by themselves - so it is super quiet and they hear every single splutter and cough that you make...

After this near death Yoshinoya experience - we decided to call it a night.

Japan - Part 1 - Melbourne Groundhog Day

Mushi mushi.

We are back for another trip overseas (this time - Ant didn't instigate it) - this time - checking out Tokyo for a couple of days then off to Niseiko to ski/snowboard.

We had to get up super early for our flight to Melbourne (try 5am for a 6am start). This seems to be a recurring theme in our holidays.

Last night - Ant called up everyone's favourite rip-off taxi company - Canberra Cabs - to book a big taxi for the wee-hours of the morning. In typical Canberra Cabs tradition - they usually advise you to leave at least 1 hour before your flight's scheduled departure time. But this time - as we were booking a taxi which could fit my skis - the guy said if you have luggage - you need to leave 1 and a half hours before your flight.... As Rove would say - "what the??!". It isn't like we are travelling vast distances or going thru big traffic. According to "whereis.com.au" - the distance from our house was 6.8km - and it isn't like Canberra gets "gridlock" 5:30am in the morning. We refused their advice and just wanted to leave 45 mins before the flight (to give us some Qantas club breakfast time).

Our trip to Melbourne was non-eventful - although the b#### hostess told me to switch my PSP off 25 minutes before we landed. Also - they were showing "Everyone Loathes Raymond" episodes - just to pi$$ everyone off...

So here we are at Melbourne Airport - and there is a definite sense of "Groundhog Day" - only being a couple of months since we were last here (for 26 hours - yay Qantas).

A couple of the shops have changed and there is now an ANZ Bank branch in the airport. "Oh yes - I'll just pop into the ANZ before my international flight to fill out a home loan application!". Convenience.

The Qantas Club seems to have undergone more crazy renovations since a couple of months ago - there is a little bit of natural light (but amount the same amount of natural light in a Goulburn Super Max Prison cell) and some of the walls seem to have been randomly moved around. Maybe it has something to do with Feng Shui.

Anyhow - touch wood - our flight isn't delayed - cause the airport here is pretty boring.

Sayonara! (By the way - Mushi Mushi and Sayonara make up about 1/3 of the Japanese words I know - except for the "C" and "D" words that my brother taught me - plus Geri and Gero aka spew and diarrhoea - handy to know in Peru).

South America Part 34 - Homeward Bound

When we got to Madrid airport - we attempted to check in at the "Business" Iberia check-in. The woman at the check-in was probably the first person at check in (all of the world) that couldn't speak hardly any engrish. "We would like to check in - we are going to Canberra, Australia." "Que?" Ant was very suspicious - wondering if she would put on the right bag tags (noting that Iberia have lost our bags before for 11 days).... but apparently - everything was OK (even though Canberra was spelt "Camberra"). Ant took the opportunity to swipe as many Iberia bag-tags he could (they are plastic and superior to those sh##y Qantas ones and those LAN ones which fall off your bag even on a short flight).

We have got progressively worse over the holidays in trying to guestimate how much money we needed out of ATMs in each country. I was running out of money big time up until the second lunch in Madrid - I had originally got out 150 euros - but had spent 100 at H&M, 30 on Muesum passes and the rest on falafels... so I had thought I had better get out another 70 (most of which I didn't need). So I was in a bit of a mad rush trying to get rid of it (buying various gifts and trying to buy food)...

Our flight to London was surprisingly bad - although everyone is dressed for winter - Iberia thought it might be appropriate to keep the aircraft at "Tropical Heat" temperature. Also - you know how most airlines play music to calm passengers before and after a flight - well Iberia were playing the worst gawddamn Christmas (or should that be Navidad) music I have heard. To add salt in the wounds - they were playing it in January. One of the songs sounded like Celine Dion singing "I want to wish you a Merry Christmas" - but midway thru the song - they would start singing "Feliz Navidad" and various other spanish language lyrics. Stuff all that Iraq prison torture techniques - try putting "suspected terrorists" on an overheated Iberia flight with bad spanish christmas music on in January.

We got to Heathrow and it was "chilly" to say the least. We both rocked up to the BA lounge with Ant's Qantas Club card and used their strange showers with extra nozzles (just in case the overhead shower fixture doesn't get you wet). It was a little strange - they were playing a "bird chirping CD" in the lounge - maybe they were trying to outdo Iberia in terms of the annoying stakes.

If the Iberia flight to London was bad - the BA flight was truly hell. Their seats make Qantas's economy seats look spacious. To add shards of glass to our wounds - there was this morbidly obese guy sitting next to me who was pretty much occupying half of my seat for the whole flight. I tried watching a couple of movies - but the guy was lying on top of my movie controller thingy - so I couldn't turn it off "The Island".... (NOOO!!!).

Hong Kong airport was fairly pleasant - we both had another shower at the Qantas Club and changed clothes (definitely recommended). Time passed really quickly (maybe because we were both really tired).

Our Qantas flight was a lot better - we managed to get a exit row to ourselves. Ant really likes the exit row because he always talks "shop" with the flight attendants. It so happened that the flight attendant who was sitting near us - was on our "doomed flight from hell" from Melbourne to Sydney at the start of our trip. Ant finally got to see the Wallace and Grommit Movie and I managed to beat my Lumines (PSP Game) record despite only having 3 hours sleep in 24+hours.

Arriving at Sydney Airport - Ant did his usual "buying gifts for his parents" (aka buying 2 cartons of cigarettes) - being very careful in not buying the menthol ones.

We got our bags (Ant was in shock) and made our way thru the "Something to Declare" line at customs. After the customs guy was asking us about South American women (cough) and bagging me out for being a public servant (...who does customs people work for again?? I forgot?) we showed them all of our wooden parafanelia - all of which was OK. Then we showed them our two tins of Dulce de Leche (one was for us, and the other we bought under instruction for a friend)... He checked a list and said - "where did you get it from"... We said "Argentina" and he said no - no dairy products from Argentina and took the tins away from us and chucked them in a bin... Apparently - if we had gotten the stuff from Chile instead of Argentina - it would have been OK (Argentina has foot and mouth disease). It wasn't like we were going to use the Dulce de Leche and feed it to cows or something.

Even though we lost the Dulce de Leche - I did manage to smuggle in a copy of Ken Park on DVD (banned in Australia). (YES!). Be sure not to miss the australian advanced screenings of Ken Park at CineNickandAnt near you.

When we got back to Canberra (in a bit of a postscript from our doomed flight from hell to LA) - Ant received a letter from Qantas - which apologised over the screw up. The letter also contained a Qantas $600 coupon - not too bad. We think it was because he wrote what he did on Flyer Talk (and Qantas people check it fairly regularly). The letter was dated 6 December (which was the Monday after the flight). I don't think Qantas staff regularly scan "Blogger.com" for nasty stuff - so I might send them a nasty letter - and see if I can get free money in the mail.

This concludes our South American Adventure - it has definitely been a bit of a rollercoaster (in terms of the great and the bad). Highlights for Ant were Buenos Aires and Madrid - and for me - BA, Peru and Rio. Chile was a little disappointing - I don't think there is all that much to do at Valparaiso (do it in a day trip instead) - but I think the problem with Santiago was the fact that we were over there during Christmas - so things were bound to be shut. Muchu Pichu (or its lack of) was a disappointment - but I think we recovered in terms of Seven Cities of Gold pretty well. We have enjoyed putting together this blog and will definitely keep it going for any future trips (which won't be that far off - Japan in a month).

Adios for now.

South America Part 33 – Madrid Culture and Shopping

After having the free world’s smallest breakfast at the hostel (which consisted of two tiny muffins wrapped up in plastic packaging and a couple of tea bags with a kettle) – we headed to the “Pana” place (from yesterday) for some coffee and croissants supplements.

As we have alread mentioned in the blog – one of the reasons why we went to Madrid was to shop… and one of my reasons to go back to Europe was to go back to H&M – a big clothing chain with cheapo clothes. If I lived in Europe – I’d be a bit hesitant about shopping at H&M because the clothes are mass-produced and wouldn’t be too unique (you can spot people in European crowds wearing H&M)… but because I live in Australia – and last time I checked there weren’t any H&M stores – I don’t mind buying it.

Ant and I went on a bit of a H&M spree after breakfast – we both bought around $100 euros worth of clothes – and for $100 euros you can get quite a bit of clothes (I got 4 tops, 1 sweat shirt, pair of jeans)… and you have to love a shop that puts the women’s clothes in the basement and the men’s on the main floor… After the spree – we went back to the hostel in order to dump the shopping bags. We found the hostel guy in the middle of cleaning our room – he was all apologetic, probably worried if Ant would have another one of his red-hair rage episodes…

We headed down to the Prado Museum (aka pre Contemporary Art Museum) which was a relatively short stroll away from where we are staying. Unfortunately - it was hella busy and we didn't feel like standing in the Lake Burley Griffin in the middle of Winter weather... so we thought maybe we could check out the Arte Reina Sofia Museum (aka Contemporary Art Museum) which was a 10 minute walk away from the Prado. In true latin style - it was shut on Wednesday so we decided to check out the Thyssen-Bornemisza which was strongly recommended by "Julie P" via SMS who said "get the audio as it is the best art lesson ever". We bought the 12 Euro mega pass instead which gave us access to all three museums sin audio.

The Thyssen-Bornemisza is a couple of private collections of eclectic art (eg: from early christian art to impressionists and contemporary) which is open to the public. It is very large and there are works there by big artists but we couldn't help but agree with a guidebook at the hostel which described the collection as "minor works of major artists and major works of minor artists"... Sorry Julie P. :( Maybe next time we will take the audio tour and get an art lesson. Also - we both forked out extra euros to go to a temporary exhibit on Rafael (which was tiny) and a small collection on modern still lifes, portraits and nudies works. To top off our Thyssen-Bornemisza experience - Ant and I had McDonalds for lunch...

We made our way back to the Prado - which had a very much shorter queue than before. The biggest queue was to line up at the security whilst the Spanish guard screams at you for putting your items in the x-ray machine the wrong way. It feels a little funny to have airport-strength security before going to a museum - what are you going to do - hijack the wheelchair mover thingy to Mexico?

The Prado (in true Madrid style) was huge, and again - it was structured in chronological order. I got a lot more out of the Prado than the "T-B" (bad acronym) - with heaps of stuff like Ruben, Titan and some cool Spanish work by Goya who's early pictures are all bright and happy, and his pictures around his time of his death were completely dark and gloomy. Ant had been a bit of a trooper - he gets a bit tired seeing the 1000th depiction of jebus on the cross.

Despite wandering around art museums for about 6 hours - Ant still found the stamina to browse around shops during the evening. Madrid is one of the current "hip cities" of the planet at the moment. It even got a mention on the Qantas Magazine as a "Hip Zone" so it must be kool, right?! There are funky clubs, bars, shops and restaurants everywhere. The district we are staying at is full of it (I mean funky clubs, etc). We had even had coffee in what was the busiest coffee shop in the area (which also happened to be a video rental library as well?!). Who has coffee back in Australia at their local video stores?? (Unless you pop down to Adam and Eve – the local Canberra porn shop for a cappuccino and a skinny macchiato?! No joke).

We had dinner at the Falafel King - he was indeed more superior than the kebab place we had lunch the day before. We need to get our euro kebab fix before we go back to Ali Baba's in Australia (with their scabby kebabs and servings). The atmosphere was a little strange - with "Who wants to be a millionaire" blaring on the television in Spanish. The presenter sounded uncannily like Eddie McGuire, only in spanish.

The next day - we got up all bright eyed and bushy tailed at 9am (well not really - we had a sh@@ night sleep as the place we were staying at has a lot of street noise). Plus Ant knew that we had only a small amount of time left before we needed to go back to the airport (4ish flight to Australia via London and Hong Kong - of course). We went back to yesterday's coffee place for breakfast (after eating our small cupcake of a muffin at the hostel). Ant was wanting to go to Starbucks next door because they had "Hot Chocolate" on their menu but I straight out refused to go (Starbucks coffee tastes like water - sourced from a muddy puddle heated up in an espresso machine). The place we went to had some sort of strange vienna chocolate with caramel concoction - but unfortunately for Ant - he had ordered the coffee version (Ant dislikes coffee). He looked like he was going to be violently sick after taking one sip of the drink. I went and got him some sugar (to try to kill off the coffee taste) - but still - it was too bitter for him.

We took the metro to the Arte Reina Sofia Museum (again - Ant was in a rush and wanted to fit in even more shopping before lunch). The museum is like a more contemporary sequel to the Prado - it covers everything post late 1800s. It houses a really extensive collection of Picasso (Spain's sort-of-favourite son). The museum totally pooped all over the Picasso museum (which is in Barcelona) in terms of its size and collection. The highlight was Picasso’s giant Guernica (which pretty much took up the space of three whole rooms). There was a bit of a "Mona Lisa/Lourve"-sized moshpit going on to see it - but once we pushed the japanese tour group out of the way - we got pole position. There are also a heap of sketches which shows how it was developed and conceived. There was also a room full of photos showing how it was progressed. There was also a kewl Dali collection - it was interesting to see both Dali's and Picasso’s early work - they were both a bit derivative and unoriginal until they developed their own distinctive styles.

After the museum - we did a forced match back into the shopping district of town. Ant got himself a couple of more t-shirts to add to his "really f$$$ing heavy bags". We had a quick kebab to eat at our favourite Falafel King (we should book ourselves into KA - Kebabs Anonymous) before we grabbed our bags - farewelled Hostel Homeless and went to the airport.

South America (not quite anymore) Part 32 - From Business Bling to Homeless in One Short Hour - Madrid

Ant and I were feeling rather refreshed as we got off our "upgraded to business" flight with Iberia at Madrid airport.

Immigration was smooth (took a couple of minutes with the police guy not even bothering to check anything in my passport) and baggage claim was even smoother... our bags were first off the carousel (despite the lack of "Priority" tags). So much smoother than our last arrival in Madrid (after a 20hr plus journey from San Francisco via JFK minus bags).

Of note - there were a couple of sad looking sacks getting off the flight from Rio to the depths of Madrid winter and didn't look too happy wearing T-shirts and short skirts in near freezing temperatures. Luckily - Ant and I are "Smart Travellers" - we dressed appropriately.

The airport was nearly deserted as we arrived before 6am. The trip to town was super smooth - we did it via a $1 Euro metro ticket. All of the trains were fast, efficient and clean. Every time we swapped trains - we never had to wait.

So classy and bling bling all the way... that was until we reached our hostel.

After a quick glance at Ant's directions (he had to find out where the hostel was off the internet as we were "sin" Madrid Maps or Lonely Planet guides), we found the location of the hostel (aka Casa Chueca) and began to ring on the doorbell.... Nothing would happen. Ant was like "maybe cause it is 6:30am and we are too early - maybe the owners have been out all night and we should be polite...." - I was like - "we are paying money and it ain't too early" - so I kept pressing the button to buzz us in.

FYI - the hostel was sort of like the one in BA as it was in a block of apartments with other people living there.

After about thirty minutes of waiting out on the street and not getting any response... Ant decided that he might try and call the hostel on his mobile (despite the extortionate Virgin Mobile rates) - instead of the phone ringing - all Ant got was a message machine. After about an hour of standing outside... not knowing if there was anywhere else to go to (we didn't have any guides and didn't know where else we could stay... plus the hostel had our credit card)... someone on their way into the building was kind enough to let us in.

When we reached the second floor where the hostel was, we began knocking loudly on the door. Still no response. 5 minutes later - a guy walked down the stairs who said in English - "these guys are never at the hostel until 10am"... What what what?! Ant had given these "major league" a holes our arrival time - and stated that we need to drop the bags off (despite us not needing the room until later). What a freekin joke.

Feeling mega pi££ed - Ant walked around the block in an attempt to find somewhere else to stay - I stayed put like a homeless person - huddling to try to keep warm. Sitting in that stair well is like standing next to Lake Burley Griffin on a cold, windy winter's day.

At about 9:30am (we were into our third hour of waiting around) - there was movement in the station. The door of the hostel opened and a guest had heard us banging on the door. He let us come in (it was about 25 degrees warmer in the hostel - good thing) but we couldn't just leave our bags unattended at the hostel. We had to wait until after 10ish for the guy who worked their to turn up - he was very unapologetic (..."Sorry but I don't start work until after 10..."). If the hostel had told us not to come before 10 - we would have found a different place to stay. (Stayed tuned to Tripadvisor.com for a bad review).

To top things off - we didn't have a room ready for us... "there are people in your room who won't be leaving until 1pm"....

To calm our nerves... we found the local Pano store (Euro food franchise which makes better coffee than Starbucks) and had some Cafe de Leche (aka Flat Whites) and Te. After this we wandered around the area a bit - Ant still fuming about the hostel not letting us in and swearing that we would leave if "they ain't ready by 1:30pm".

Returning to the hostel - the guy gave us a different room key and said that the people in our room won't be leaving until the next day and they we had to change rooms the day after. This really pis$ed us off and Ant went into "red hair mode" and went berserk at the guy. (FYI - Later on the guy just let us stay in the same room for both nights).

I needed to flake out and did so for a couple of hours - while Ant, who was keen to check out Madrid and its shops (for more T-Shirts and clothes), explored the area for those couple of hours.

When I dragged out of bed at the Latino time of 4:30pm - we found a local turkish kebab shop. We both needed a fix of kebabs - euro style. They are dirt cheap (about $4AUD) and come with a thick pide pocket and are chock full of vegetables and chillies - definitely put those crappy "two tiny slices of tomato and a s### load of onion" Ali Baba kebabs in Australia to shame. Admittedly - Ali Baba don't exactly set a high standard which is hard to beat.

After lunch - Ant took me to the places he had explored whilst I was asleep (mainly shopping areas). We both have to admit that we not only planned to come to Madrid because of its culture but also because we had a good time shopping in Barcelona the year before.

We have both noticed that there wasn't much of a culture shock coming to Madrid from South America... A lot of places in South America feel a lot like Spain - just a little less developed and quite a bit cheaper. It was more of a "price shock" coming to Madrid (even after coming from Rio) - but the Euro tends to do that to places.

After chilling out at the hostel room for a while (including me doing a bit of blogging on the free internet with those damn finger pad mouse things which make me rewrite blogs five times!!) - we headed to a cheap local chinese restaurant for dinner. I think it must be an international Chinese Restaurant thing where you never get any of the meals brought out to your table at the same time. But at the Chinese restaurant we went to - we had to wait 25 minutes between getting both of our main courses. I got snoody with the waitress (who couldn't speak any Engrish) and started repeating "Pollo con Salsa y Curry ?Que?" (eg: Chicken Curry, what?). We only left a minimal tip (25 euro cents... heh heh!).

South America (Last Day) Part 31 - New Years Day / Rio Airport / Return of the Gastro / Bling

As we woke up early on NY's Day - we flipped on CNN at the hotel bedroom. We were hyped when Rio's NYE came third after NYC and Las Vegas in a selection of NYEs from around the world. We were especially hyped when we saw a bit of the Sydney fireworks - from the sounds of it - Richard Wilkins was doing the countdown... and they played the Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk wit my heart... so I don't think we missed out on much. We have been watching a bit of s£££ tv here in Rio. We watched the "Rebelde" show (see Part 7 for more info including a web link) - but this time it was dubbed in Portuguese - which it made it look even more lame. There was some plot line involving a baby going missing during a babysitting job. There has also been this really appalling ad on TV - where it shows different scenes (eg: a baby crawling and a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle on the screen would reveal a baby rattle or something) all set to the music of "It's a Wonderful World". In one scene - you see a tank rolling down a street... When the piece of the jigsaw is revealed - you see a protestor standing in front of it... revealing that it is the Tiananmen Square massacre in Beijing (remember - all set to Louie Armstrongs "Its a Wonderful World"). Well - you might think it could be OK to use this footage if it was for Amnesty International or some sort of charity - but we found out it was for a South American Bank (Banco Bradesco).... Nice - makes the National Bank in Australia look cute and fluffy. We headed down to breakfast (which would be our last chocolate cake breakfast ever). We were happily minding our own business when suddenly - a guest (middle aged white man) appears in a black t-shirt to breakfast with big white bold letters - "FU£K BLACK TIE" (with a C where the £ should be). Ant and I turned to each other and just cracked up laughing. We had a bit of time to kill (it wasn't until 5pm until we had our flight) - so we wandered around a bit in the 36 degree / 80% humidity weather trying to look for places where we could catch the cheap bus back to the airport. After about 20 minutes - we gave up and ordered a taxi (at the not so low price of $60 reals) at the hotel. Royalty Hotel has the most bizarre concierge people around - they take your bags (after you check out) and put them in some strange location in the building... It takes them 20 minutes for them to retrieve it. After hanging around for 30 minutes in the lobby waiting for our taxi to come despite the fact that there were 50 taxis which passed outside the front door (all empty) - we got in "our" taxi and headed the long way to the airport (because most roads had been shut for NYE celebrations). Ant had been feeling not so well on NYE (he was getting another bout of the dreaded gastro). During our trip to the airport - I suddenly felt really rancid - I had also come down for the third time. This is like the Star Wars trilogy of Gastro - A New Gastro Beginning, The Gastro Strikes Back and Return of the Gastro. When we arrived at Rio Airport (aka Slum Airport) - Iberia (our favourite airline who lost our bags for 11 days on our last trip to europe) hadn't open their check in (despite there being a queue of people wanting to check in). As I could barely stand and Ant being somewhat hungry and getting his appetite back - we went to the food trough where I passed out on the table. Ant thought it might be healthy in ordering a Sandwich - but it was more like a Hamburger Chilean style with added greasy chips.

After waiting around for 3 hours - we finally boarded our flight with Iberia to Madrid, Spain. At the gate - the flight b$$$hes pulled me and Ant aside and said - "your seats have changed". It occurred to Ant that our numbers were "very low" - and he thought that we would be sitting up around the front of economy. However it was better than that - we were upgraded to Business because of Ant's silver Frequent Flyer status (and maybe because we pulled a sob story with the check in guy saying that I was sick and needed lots of room)... plus the fact that the flight was really full.

Ant thoroughly enjoyed his first international business flight - and I enjoyed it because it was Ant's first international business flight! The food was plentiful (despite my bout of gastro) and the legroom was excellent. Finally - Iberia has gone up in our opinions (after being in our "Airline" poop hole with our lost luggage experience).

South America Part 30 - NYE @ Rio and NYE Day

After going out the previous night and not getting to bed till around 3ish in the morning... I wanted to get the most out of our $200AUD per night room at have the breakfast (even though it is s$$$ as). Ant was a little hungover - but he managed to drag himself down to breakfast before the 10am close. Twas the breakfast from hell on NYE. Note to Royalty Hotel - Western Breakfast doesn't equal Chocolate Cake and Crème de Caramel!

NYE could almost be a public holiday for everyone in Rio - nothing touristy was open... No major shopping malls were open - everyone is running around getting to the supermarket before an early close.

That being the case - we decided to walk down to Ipanema from our Hotel (because it didn't look all that far away from where we were last night at the club). Unfortunately - the temperature was about 36 degrees celsius and about 80% humidity. We were very hot and sweaty and stood out like two sore thumbs amongst the locals (or two pink roasted pigs).

Copa beach was fairly packed with tourists and locals alike. It has a great atmosphere - with people playing volley ball, street peddlers selling pot and crack (yes - we graduated to getting offered crack), but Copa has nothing on Ipanema Beach - the "rich b£££h" beach - very body beautiful... and it seemed way more packed.

For lunch - we decided (mutually) to have "Bob's Burgers" - a Brazilian burger franchise chain which has McDonalds on the run for being the fattest. We always seem to have problems ordering Coke Light (or Coca Cola Light). When we ask for it - they stand and look with the Que? expression on their face... Also - we have had serious problems trying to speak Portuguese. You hear that it is very similar to Spanish - but we think it can almost be like Chinese is to English. We can't pronounce "Thank You" or "Beer" (a slight twist on the spanish word Cerveza... Cerveja - but unpronounceable)... etc etc.

After lunch - we stumbled on a bookshop which sold copies of Q Magazine (for example) for about 60 Reals (close to $35 AUD) - what a Brazilian bargain. We were thinking about picking up a Lonely Planet for Madrid - but it was going to cost us $50AUD...

I thought I might try and be culturally sensitive for NYEs so we stopped at a T-Shirt shop at Copa - I bought a white Christ The Redeemer T Shirt (after Ant said not to get the "Jesus is my Homeboy" t-shirt as it was too generic).

We were a bit worried about drinking prices for NYE (since the hotel rates are triple than normal) - so we stopped at our local Supermarket to pick up some champagne and foodbits. When we got there - it was like a Pantera Rock Show (like the one where the guitarist got shot by a deranged fan). The queue (if I can call it that as it more looked like a mosh pit at the Limp Biskit set at the BDO) took about 45 minutes. Some loser was trying to push in because "he had ice cream" - but I told Ant to "shoulder charge the f£££er" and he did so...

Back after the supermarket ordeal - we had to try and find some glasses to drink the champs with. The hotel has this list of "items" which have a set of charges if hotel guests take them (including glasses - $6 reals, hotel towels - $50 reals, beach towels $200 reals and so on). There is also another note saying that the maids check the room everyday for the inventory... So we have been "down a glass" for a couple of days now even though we have not touched anything. One day - the maid left a cryptic note in Portuguese where a glass should be which sort of said "Glass missing (blah blah blah) Thank You".

We phoned the reception and told them that we wanted another glass and the guy said "you will have to come down and speak with us". After confronting the guy at reception and showing him the note - he said everything was Ok. We asked for a glass then headed back to the room. 1 hr later - still no glass so I phone the reception again and get put onto housekeeping (who don't speak english) - 20 minutes later - the guy from the restaurant appears with two of the thinnest plastic cups in the free world. Finally - we had two glasses (well sort of) to drink our champagne.

After downing our expensive (...well it cost $10AUD...) bottle - we hit the streets in an attempt to go back to the kilo restaurant for dinner. Unfortunately - just about everything (including things like KFC) were closed tonight. We had to make do with a feral meal from McDonalds (the shame)...

We wandered down to the beach at Copa to stake out some places to see the NYE fireworks. Along the way - I picked up a beer (at non-rip off prices - amazing!) from a vendor... It seemed like we didn't need to go to the supermarket after all...

It turns out that Copa beach is a very long beach with heaps of room - so you don't have to wait around to stake out a good view (a la Sydney) - you could basically rock up 15 minutes before and get a great view.

There were a few local rituals including woman giving flowers as an offering to the God (or Goddess - I can't remember) of the sea, and there were people lighting candles and such forth. There was this American gay couple (old - fat) who did this strange tantric meditation thing on the beach where one guy was lying on the beach (with his head dangerously close to a candle) and the other guy meditating around his feet. Many locals stopped and stared, then laughed and walked away.

Ant was a bit disappointed about the "lack of white" - there were a few locals wearing red or something completely different - but over 60% were donning the white.

About 15 minutes before midnight - we got in this strange conversation with a Brazilian woman who was wanting to practice her engrish and wanted to keep getting us beer (although we didn't really want to drink much as we were leaving the next day). We sort of fobbed her off - but moments later - a man (who turned out to be her friend) - kept saying to us... "More or Less?"... then started pointing at us all. We think he was wanting a three-gie - but we also fobbed him off.

The fireworks were very (as Ant would put it) - f£££ off. There were firework barges all along the beach just setting off f£££ off sized fireworks everywhere. A couple of fireworks (really big ones) exploded on the barge (think this wasn't supposed to happen). A little Brazilian girl kept cheering when this happened but I gave her the disapproving look. To add to the craziness - locals would set off "f$$$ off" loud firecrackers amongst the crowd. Nothing like scaring a few fat amercian tourists to top off a great night?!

Overall - the firecrackers show was excellent (with some added thrills not seen in most Western firework shows) - and the atmosphere was electric. Well worth it.

South America Part 29 - Rio Day 4 and "New Years Eve" Eve

Another day - another sh""ty hotel breakfast. Again - we always manage to go down just before 10am - when the breakfast closes - and it is hella busy.

This was going to be our cultural day in Rio and we headed off to Centro (aka Central Rio aka Downtown) to visit a couple of Museums and stuff. Our first cultural stop was the Museu Nacional de Belas Artes - the national gallery of Brazil if you like. There was plenty of Brazillian art on show but the building was hella run down. It is probably a worrying sign for the paintings if the paint on the museum walls is starting to shed. Also some sound proofing could come in handy - we could hear the Crazy Frog song being played in a nearby club whilst in the gallery.

After that - we wandered around Centro attempting to do the LP walking tour. In a crazed attempt - we could not, for the life of us, find the Arco de Teles due to the LP dodgy maps.

One thing of note about Centro - was the fact that people in skycrapers everywhere were chucking out what looked like confetti all over the street. We thought it might have been some sort of NYE ticker-tape parade but on closer inspection - I think this is how the Brazillians do recycling in offices. Very odd.

We stumbled across the "Justice Cultural Building of Rio" which was for free. This was an old justice building which now houses cultural exhibits. You can probably guess what two exhibits were on - a photographic exhibit covering Centro in the 1800s and a Polish poster art exhibit (makes logical sense?¿). Ant loved trying to find the pre-communist and post-communist posters amongst the exhibit. After that - we made tracks to Gloria - a nearby suburb (sort of between Centro and Copa).

We checked out the Museu de Republica - a museum which was half a restored presidential palace and half a brazillian history musuem. It also includes the room where Getulio Vargas (an ex Brazillian president) topped himself off by shooting himself in the chest. The museum also includes his bullet-ridden pj´s, the gun and the bullet - sweet. Considering that it would be a good place for Brazillians to show foreigners more about their history - it would have been great if something from the muesum was translated into English (or Spanish for that matter) - the whole thing was in brazillian portuguese.

Speaking about Portuguese - Ant picked up a Portuguese phrase book from some backpackers at Santiago. It is fairly obvious that the people that wrote it have a sense of humour. The "socialising" section has such phrases/pick up lines including: "Is my portuguese that bad? May I kiss you? Would you like to come back with me? Thanks for the evening. I`ll give you a call."

For food - "I can`t eat this. This food is cold. This isn`t clean. I forgot my wallet."

For car repairs - "How much will it cost? That´s outrageous!". After Gloria - we wandered up the road (not knowing where we were going) - of course we arrived at the same kilo restaurant as the day before.

We headed back to copa for a bit of a siesta. According to Ant - the pool was filled to the brim of little kiddies and urine. We headed out to the streets of Copa for some food. Thinking that it would be too embarrassing to head back to the same Kilo Restaurant (that we had gone a couple of nights before) - we headed 1 km down the road to another kilo restaurant (same chain, different location). I think I was becoming even stingier with my food (I only dished up less than 300g of food costing me $4AUD including 2 cervejas aka beer).

After dinner we headed to the club district of Copa. The club we went to had three levels and a couple of different bars. It also played bad trance music which I hate and Ant loves. There were gogo dancers and a dodgy drag show (we could hear a couple of Amercian tourists moaning about the lack of quality in the aforementioned show). Something which was a bit of a surprise (in the context of expensive Rio) was the price of drinks at the night club - it was Southern Cross Club Drink Prices peoples! Most drinks would cost hardly anything more than what you would pay at a restaurant in Rio or a supermarket. Our night was a bit subdued (didn`t want a repeat performance of Santiago) so we headed back home around 2am.

South America Part 28 - Rio Day 3 and the Christ the Redeemer

We woke up to another crappy chocolate cake filled breakfast down at the hotel de chocolate cake. We have slowly been noticing that breakfast each day is getting busier and busier and that the hotel is slowly filling up.
All hotels in Rio (for NYE) have this rip off "5 Night Minimum Stay" with the added bonus of the hotels jacking up their rates by three times.

Ant thought it would be best if we spent the morning going up to the Christ The Redeemer. Following LPs trustworthy advice - we were going to catch a local bus to the bottom of the Christ The Redeemer Peak Funicular Train station.

Buses are usually so frequent in Rio that they make the buses in Canberra feel like an eternity between buses. Walking down the main road of Copa - there are buses every 4 seconds (most of them with nobody on them). Most of the traffic in Rio appears to be caused by the buses. Most buses lack proper suspenion - and most drivers lack any sanity whatsoever. Although there were buses going past our busstop every 3 seconds - the particular bus that LP told us to wait for took more than 25 minutes to show. There was a finnish couple (that we had spotted at the hotel breakfast) who were also trying to catch the same bus. Ant started to get chatting and they were told by hotel staff "not to catch the buses as they are dangerous" or something. Of course when the bus finally arrived - it was super busy. When we made it to the train station - there was another bus right behind us (empty of course).

The train station made the lines at Disneyland look small. We had to queue up for about one hour to get our tickets - then another 30 minutes waiting for our train to turn up. Of course - in true LP form - it stated that the price for the tram was about $USD 8... Try more than double that - at $36 reals ($1 real more expensive than the excellent Sugar Loaf Cable Carts which you didn`t have to line up for 5 hours). I had thought that because the tram wasn´t the only way up to the Christ The Redeemer (you can taxi or bus or walk it) - then maybe it would be cheaper than the Sugar Loaf. The company running the train appeared to be also running every taxi around the station (it all had the train logo on it) - so there is some dodgy cartel running to keep the ticket prices high. Maybe it would of been cheaper (and less painful) to just walk up to the top and get mugged along the way.

Once we reached the peak (formerly known as the Pinancle of Temptation - sounds like a reality show) - the view was spectatcular - but the crowds of tourists was a bit overwhealming at times. At least with the Sugar Loaf - you could attempt to get away from the crowds by doing the "rainforest walk".

We were approached by a strange European tourist who said to Ant - "My wife and I are having a bet. She thinks you are a famous American actor!". ¿Que?

To add salt in our wounds - you had to queue to get back onto the train thru two "pens" (just like farm yard animals). Once we were in the second pen - I asked Ant to push in in order to get a decent seat on the train. Ant said that he could hear americans saying "would you look at this guy!?" in a disapproving tone.

Thinking that this would be a short activity - we left the hotel at 10ish and didn`t get back down to the bottom until 4ish. Two thumbs up! Instead of waiting for the LP bus to show up - we hopped on a mini bus (not knowing where the bus would head). After 10 or so minutes - a metro stop appeared so we got off. As we both have a strong love for Kilo Restaurants - we happened to find a Kilo restaurant for lunch which was cheaper than the one for dinner the night before. Hopefully we won`t be putting on the kilos...

We chilled out for a couple of hours back at the hotel. I made my first appearance at the Royalty Hotel pool - which would have to be the free world`s shallowest pool. You could sit cross legged at the shallow end and kneel at the deep end.

Ant had a strong desire to go back to the Rio Sol (big shopping mall close by to Copa) - so we hopped on a bus (another potential mugging opportunity) and went shopping. For NYE in Rio - it is good luck to wear white. I hadn`t brought any white clothes with me so can you guess what I had bought at the mall - a black skeletor t-shirt (they had white skeletor tees but I liked the black better). We finished the evening with some cheapo fatty pizzas at the mall... We are starting to understand why there are so many at people in Brazil.