Japan to Australia via Eastern Europe and stuff - Part 30 - Day 26 – Scotland Aye...

We wake up sort of late by our standards (6:45am) and Ant was a little “dehydrated” from the previous night. So I went out and bravely bought some water from a nearby supermarket without putting any product in my hair or any deodorant.

Another day in the UK – another bit of breakfast TV news. The big news story for today was some “GMTV Phone Competition Scandal” – where the company doing the phone competition for GMTV would pull out potential winners before the phone lines close – so those that call towards the deadline would never be in the running for the prizes. If only something like that would happen to Sunrise (oh wait – I think it did when we were away – something to do with a dodgy dawn service with Kevin Rudd or something..)

Although the breakfast at the hotel was a little bit “colder” a little bit “bolder” – it was also a bit quieter – probably because the marathon crowds weren’t here today.

We do a quick pack (although we never really get a chance to get stuff out of our bags in the first place) – and check out. Thankfully – the breakfast must have come with the room rate as we weren’t charged for it when we checked out. I guess this was the first hotel booking that worked with “Wotif.com” this holiday.

We catch the Piccadilly line to Kings Cross – which was quite squashy as it was a Monday morning and it was a peak commuter crush. When we arrived at Kings Cross station – it was pretty much organised chaos. Some escalator broke down – and no one seemed to cope with that very well.

We were catching a train to Edinburgh today (we had bought the tickets a few weeks ago when we were first in London). We were a little early for our train and had an hour to kill. We both got some coffee (coffee means “hot chocolate” for Ant) and I bought a Mixmag which had a “free” Claude Vonstroke CD so it wasn’t half bad.

Our train to Scotland was a bit of a shock to the system after our experiences with the not so fast and speedy trains that were from Eastern Europe. Everything was fast, clean and efficient. We had our own little table – but unfortunately we had to share it with a couple of moody British girls. The scenery was quite pretty – green and lush, apart from the odd coal fired power plant here and there.

I was getting really stoked about going to Edinburgh – “finally I’m going to get my Trainspotting fix of smashed off yr face junkies” – but Ant was dousing that hope as he had thought that Trainspotting was set in Glasgow not Edinburgh.

After our four hour trip – we arrived at Edinburgh station at around 2pm. The whole “Little Britain” skits of that Scottish “Fawlty Towers” hotel was springing to mind (where that fat white couple are sunbaking and it is soaking wet)… because it was miserable and soaking wet.

We grabbed a free city map to orientate ourselves – only to realise that our guesthouse looked a little over the “advertised” distance from the station of one mile.

Our TWO mile walk to the guesthouse was depressing and bleak. The weather was rainy and totally overcast – with us sans umbrellas and raincoats.

We kept getting harassed by locals who kept asking us “Are you sure you know where you are going? The city is back that way!”… almost code for “go back to London!”.

We arrive at the gay guesthouse – only to find that the place seemed kinda empty. We had the obligatory speech from the guesthouse manager guy – who loved to joke about his “hard-to-understand” accent and Scottish people in general. It was a bit reminiscent of that Connection Guesthouse in Budapest – only a bit less sleazier. Although what is it with people that run gay guesthouses – they always seem to run some dodgy sex shop elsewhere – the Edinburgh one was no exception.

I also confirmed with the guest house guy that Edinburgh was the home for “Trainspotting” – not Glasgow. Yes – in your face Ant! I’ve read the book, I’ve seen the movie – and now I can buy the T-shirt or something.

After unpacking our stuff – we took up the offer to go to the nearby gay pub “The Regent” – and it is apparently the only gay pub in the “Good Beer Guide”. We passed on the Haggis but had a couple of big Sheppard’s Pies for lunch and a couple of pints of Scottish beer…. Leaving us slightly pisshed for the rest of the afternoon. The pub was pretty good – reminiscent of those UK pubs – but I guess this was the real deal (although I don’t tend to see Scottish pubs around the place!). Another thing which was good is that all venues in Scotland are completely smoke free now – meaning that you don’t have to smell like an ashtray after going out. According to BBC news the other day – smokers are crossing the border over to England to get their fix of smoking pubs – although that will soon change because England will be smoke free come July or something.

So – slightly pished – we headed over to the start of the Golden Mile (which was just around the corner from the pub). At the start of it – there was an impressive modern building with pointy things – which was the Scottish Parliament building (or Executive building – as Scotland isn’t really a country or something). It’s very newish as Scotland has only achieved “Devolution” from England only very recently (some Tony Blair thing or something)… where the Scottish Executive have the power to do almost everything except for foreign policy and some miscellaneous stuff (which is left up to Westminster). Ant was a little dubious if Scotland became fully independent of the UK – and wonders if they are financially viable (as the arse fell out from their economy a couple of decades ago because manufacturing moved from developed countries to developing countries). After getting bag searched – we checked out a small free exhibit on the Scottish Exec which was OK. There was the obligatory mass of school children at the Exec building which was not OK.

Ant and I then set off on the Golden Mile – which we redub the “Windy Mile” as we were almost being blown away by the huge gusts and stuff… It was Katrina all over again peoples…!

We checked out some small old school, but free Museum of Edinburgh. It had some freaky obsession with some allegedly “famous” dog from Edinburgh – on which some stewpid Disney movie was based upon… Plus there was some other freaky old museum guy who kept shutting doors on us (perhaps it had something to do that we were there at closing time?).

Although the Golden Mile was somewhat “windy and wet”, it was really pretty. There were cherry blossoms everywhere (sounds somewhat familiar on our holiday) but without the hordes of Japanese tourists going crazy. In fact – Edinburgh seemed “touristy” without being full of tourists.

Not only were all of the tourist shops filled with kilts and crazy Scottish wigs – but you could get your fix of Mel Gibson dolls as well… (ewwwrrr…!). We avoided the Edinburgh Dungeon (which suspiciously looked exactly the same as the touristy London Dungeon – complete with Hangman rollercoaster ride). And we also avoided the “Optical Illusion World” – which had the dubious claim of being “Edinburgh’s #1 attraction”… Yes – when you think of Edinburgh – you don’t think of the castle – you think of the “Optical Illusion World” with bendy mirror things…

Although we walked up to the Edinburgh Castle – we decided to do it tomorrow because it was getting late. Although it was late – it doesn’t get dark here till late because you are so far north or something…

We walk down from the castle from Old Town to the New Town side… And New Town here means 19th Century “new” town. Although new town seems to have more in the way of shopping and stuff. Ant and I dub the “Fossies” of UK shops – BHS – “British House of Sh#t”.

We wander around New Town for a bit when I come to the conclusion that Edinburgh is way more of a scenic place than London is. Sure London has some big sites – but it sure is an ugly place. Ant’s way of explaining why London is as ugly as it is – because it was bombed the s##t out of in WWII and most of the building were rebuilt in that awful 1940s style. Whereas Edinburgh wasn’t really bombed during the war – hence the old town and new town remains somewhat intact.

We chill out a bit at the Guesthouse. I cure some chick of vampirism on Sims 2 (as you do).

Ant falls asleep – and I wake him up at 9ish (despite it still being light-ish outside). As we had a really late lunch – we decide to just get some takeout at a nearby take out place across the road from the guesthouse. We had both ordered some “scary” jacket potato chilli con carne dish with “orange plastic” cheese. But not just a sprinkle of orange plastic cheese – but a whole mountain full. We take our dinner back to the guesthouse – and have a quiet one in.

Japan to Australia via Eastern Europe and stuff - Part 29 - Day 25 – London

No surprises here – but I’m still having really bad night sleeps… Maybe it has something to do with my 2 cups of coffee and 3 bottles of diet coke a day? Anyway – I must have racked up about 4 hours sleep total.

On our way to the hotel breakfast – Ant and I break out in hysterics when the hotel lobby is playing the theme from ET. I start saying “…Ellliot! Phone home!” (Inappropriate hotel lobby music no. 1 – the Theme from ET).

We managed to score a table at breakfast (right before there was a huge crowd waiting for a free table). The breakfast was OK – but we weren’t really expecting one (although we’ve been told that breakfasts are usually expected at hotels here in the UK).

On the way back to the room – they were piping out the theme of Indiana Jones (Inappropriate hotel lobby music no. 2).

We wander outside (where it isn’t all that cold) and have a quick stroll to South Kensington to a hotel where Ant’s mate Andy is staying for the night. Ant and Andy were planning to meet up and have a night out at Soho (Ant’s been planning this for months or something) – whereas I was going to catch up with Jane and Lucy – a couple of childhood friends – Jane was living with her partner Nick for the time being in London as ex-pats.

This whole area feels a little more “posher” than edgy Kings Cross. There isn’t the “punks harassing pharmacists” thing which happens at Kings Cross.

Ant buys a little pocket map of London (not one of those big ones so you don’t look like a complete tourist). We head down to Knightsbridge where all of the big department stores are at (eg: Harrods) – although we come to the scary conclusion that all shops here don’t open till 12pm on Sunday. What is this – a third world country. This is worse than Perth is!!... wait it is about the same as Perth – but even 3rd world countries have better shopping hours than here at London.

To tide us over until the shops open – we check out Hyde Park – where it was overrun with bad rollerbladers and strange park seat attendants who charge you for using their seats or something. There was a pretty-esque lake that we sat down at – but the lake was definitely better seen from a distance than from up close.

We walk over to Hyde Park Corner – where the bloody London Marathon was in action (which would explain why all of the accommodation prices were expensivo this weekend). If Ant and I had known that the London Marathon was on this weekend – we would have probably gone to Edinburgh early – all of the crowds and road closures were getting a bit annoying. Although it was a bit bizarre – we were expecting some Ethiopian runners or something – but it must have been the kids marathon because everyone looked under 3 foot tall.

We had a quickish coffee at Pret a Manger – and catch up with the abortion that is “News of the World”. This newspaper makes “The Sun” look like the “The Age” or “The Sydney Morning Herald”. You know how the Sun has its “Page 3 girl” – well – T ‘n A is pretty much on every page of the News of the World. With classy stories like “Britain’s dirtiest cleaners”, “Lindsay Lohan’s snapped in Cocaine Binge”, “Bin Bugs cause Plague” and “Join Britain’s Paedophile Alert Scheme” – it’s klassy with a “k”. Britain’s dirtiest cleaners was particularly T&A-ie - MUCKY Mrs Mops are really cleaning up — stripping off to buff the worktops then getting dirty on the freshly-hoovered shag pile.

We walk over to Piccadilly Circus – where surprisingly stuff is still shut. It’s not that there are no customers wanting to shop before midday on a Sunday – most shops had a crowd peering in the front window… There was even one shop that was open at 11am – but it was only open as an “exhibition” and you could not buy anything until 12pm.

After everything being shut at Piccadilly Circus – we wander to nearby Trafalgar Square (god things are not very spread out in London!) – where we both umm and arr about going to the British National Gallery – but I had done it in depth last time we were at London (I seem to recall Ant complaining about the Jesus pictures last time), and I was feeling really really tired. The whole 4 hours sleep the night before was starting to catch up with me – so we give the gallery a miss.

I give Jane a call on Ant’s mobile phone which must have cost about 2000 quid or something for a 3 min conversation. We organised to meet each other at London Bridge Station at 6pm.

We find a nearby photo place and attempt (twice) to burn our memory card onto a CD. That place seemed to have chronic problems associated with ripping CDs (which you’d think would be their bread and butter with Digital Cameras these days).

While the photo shop was attempting to burn the CD for the second time – we went to the evilest supermarket on the planet – Tesco Express – for some sandwiches. Tesco has been getting some really bad press lately – they are a bit like the Woolworths of Britain – except they are bigger. But their catch phrase is really Coronation Street-esque – “Every little ‘elps!” (I’ve spelt it the way they say it). Pretty vomit inducing actually.

We head back to the photo place (where our CDs are finally ready) and head down to catch a glimpse of the London Marathon – when we actually got to see the race leaders – just that we didn’t really care about any of it.

We wander up to the end of the marathon (in an attempt to cross the other side of the race) where everything appeared like it was a logistical nightmare – what with runners meeting spots and all of their stuff left at the start. I think the London Marathon was trying to outdo the Styrofoam Mountain at Tokyo’s fish markets – as there were plastic bags everywhere with all of the runners stuff in it.

We head back to Piccadilly Circus where finally – the shops were open and we could have some retail therapy. We spend half an hour looking at Vermin Records and H&MV – and I get a few CDs (including Technotronic – yeah) and Ant gets some DVDs including some dodgy gay german prison movies (prison break – yeah!).

We also find some really cheap shoe and sports store – where I get a sweet pair of Adidas shoes and Ant buys a few bits and bobs of sports gear. I was having “evil-eye warfare” with the security guard because I was sort of loitering around waiting for Ant.

Ant takes me on a “forced nazi death march” to London’s first Abercrombie and Fitch shop. Because I was losing it (in terms of being awake) – I headed back to the hotel for a rest. Meanwhile – Ant discovers that A&F’s cheap American prices were lost in translation in the London version of the shop. Instead of a t-shirt being 30USD (in the States) – it was 30 quid here in London. Yikes.

Ant takes himself on a forced nazi death march to Russell Square – where he checks out the local gay bookshop “GTW” and buys a few books. Apparently – this place is in dire straits – not the band – but in a financial sense. I think a lot of local gays in the village couldn’t be bothered getting out of Soho and going somewhere else (like Russell Square).

We both meet up at 5pm – and head out on the tube to London Bridge. Unfortunately – most of the crowds and runners from the marathon had chosen to catch a train when we needed to. So it made for a bit of a claustrophobic train ride.

When we finally arrive at the London Bridge Tube station – we try and find Lucy and Jane – but to no avail. We were sort of wondering if we were at the right stop (because there are multiple “London Bridge” train stops).

I have a look at Ant’s mobile and realise that Jane had texted me not that much later than 1pm (some 5 hours ago) – saying that we should “catch a cab and meet them at their apartment”. Luckily – Ant had brought his map and it didn’t really look like “cab” distance material – so we walked.

We ended up getting a bit lost – and I made another 2000 quid mobile phone call to Jane again – but we ended up being pretty close to their apartment.

Jane and Lucy came out to collect us and bring them around to Jane and Nick’s apartment. Ant made a 15 min appearance – but had to leave in order to meet Andy back at Sth Kensington by 7:30pm.

Jane and Nick have been living and working in London for the past year or so and are going to be evicted from their nice apartment because their land lord is turning it into a short term apartment. According to Nick – even if they rent it out for 3 months in the year – they will make more $$ than a fully occupied long term lease for a year…. I hate landlords in general.

Lucy and her partner Steve have both quit/gone on leave for 12 months to tour around Europe on a campervan bought from some online website for about 5000 pounds (or was that AUD?). Although I didn’t know at the time – the campervan is a Fiat which is Italian for “Piece of S##t car” or Polski Fiat – which is Italian for “Piece of S##t car built in Poland”.

I had a good night – Jane introduced me to Pimms (supposed to be very English) and we had Mexican for dinner (which is something really hard to buy here apparently). We exchanged notes on places we had been to in Eastern Europe – and I stayed until the nanna time of 10ish because I was told (out of the blue) that the tube shuts at 10ish on a Sunday…

I said my goodbyes – and raced the hell back to the London Bridge Station – getting worried that I’d miss the train – but of course – I made it back OK to Earls Court and crashed for the night.

Meanwhile – Ant met up with Andy OK at Sth Kensington – and was taken to Soho where he consumed copious amounts of beer (what I mean by copious is 7 pints) – and arrived back at the hotel at nanna time of 2ish in the morning.

Japan to Australia via Eastern Europe and stuff - Part 28 - Day 24 – Goodbye Eastern Europe – Hello UK...

We woke up to a bit of CNN and Sky – and I find it amusing that Qatar Air sponsor the weather segments on Sky “Qatar Air – now sponsoring the weather”… How about “Qatar Air – now sponsoring climate change”?!

We also watched a little bit of MTV – where there is a freaky video of a German band who dress up like Priscilla for parts of it, then “300”, then table dance… One of them does a rap in English and says “I wish I was a rapper so I can say F##k You!” – truer words have never been spoken on German MTV. Ant has this favourite German song – some duet between a guy that looks like Johnny Depp in that pirate movie and some girl – and it sounds a bit james bondy or something.

At breakfast – Ant was involved in a bit of a bum fight trying to get some pancakes with Ronnie Corbett’s wife or something.

We pack and check out at reception. There was this “b##ch from hell” tourist guide who was wanting the reception lady to re-photocopy 38 maps of Dubrovnik because the “tone wasn’t right”. Jezzus.

We catch a bus into Old Town and because a new ferry had dropped a sh## load of tourists into Dubrovnik – Ant and I thought that we would give this a miss and just catch a local bus to somewhere we haven’t been before. So we went to the “Old Town Bus Interchange” and caught a number 3 – which goes back into town and past the bus terminal before heading up a hill into the burbs.

Getting those flashing from yesterday of “missing the boat and missing our flight” – we got off at the end of the bus line – in the middle of nowhere. Both getting a bit stressed and wondering how we were going to get out of this situation – I find a path leading down to the bottom of the hill… saved!

Ant who was feeling like some more heart-stopping adventure – decided to take another bus (1B) to another part of town. After a mammoth 20 min bus ride – we not only leave Dubrovnik but appear to enter into a new town or something. When we got on – the bus driver asked Ant “are you show you know where you going?” – Ant replied with “yes!”. We decided to get off the bus at what looked like a set of shops where we could get some lunch.

We go to a local bakery and get another one of those “really big pastry things with cheese” – which are pretty heart attack inducing. It felt a bit more like the burbs or the ghetto out here – youfs hanging around and up to no good… visible signs of shelling in buildings (something which is fairly absent back in downtown Dubrovnik) and stuff. And there are absolutely no tourists…

After starting to get these horrible nightvisions of us missing the bus into the airport and our flight – we both start to get a bit edgy. To make matters worse – we didn’t really know where to catch the bus from… We both see a bus station down on another road and head down to it – only to discover that it buses going to it were headed in the wrong direction. I thought that there was a bus stop back near where we got dropped off so we head back. The bus stops here are a little hard to find sometimes. Mostly – they are just painted bits on the road (with crazy Croatian drivers parked over them). We loitered around for a bit – before a local started to loiter too – so perhaps this was a bus station.

Low and behold 10 mins later – a bus appears – with the same driver as we had coming out here. We had to switch buses back in town and head back to the hotel.

When we get back to the hotel – we ask the woman at the front desk if we could get our bags back. She looks at us a little bit sheepish – and says that there were some women getting changed in the luggage room – and for us to wait for another five minutes… as you do.

After 5 minutes – we just break into the luggage room and some old grannies finishing up after a bit of lezzing it up or something.

We catch one of those mysterious number 7 buses directly to the bus station (we tried to catch one when we arrived – but we didn’t realise where the number 7 bus stop was). So despite getting all in a tizz about missing the bus to the airport – we arrive one hour early before the bus. There were a couple of old croat woman screaming at each other in the station rest area – which helped passed the time.

I get my chance to finally buy a “Macho” Ice Cream from Konzum nextdoor… although it isn’t as macho as a Maxibon.

The bus to the airport was almost completely empty. There were some other Australians (the tightest people in the world) catching the cheap bus – and it was a fairly interesting bus ride to the airport – as you get a great view of Dubrovnik whilst driving on a “goats track” road.

At the airport check-in – we get really great service… So good in fact – the woman gives us access to the business lounge even though Ant is technically not entitled to it (Ant is the oracle of frequent flyer rules and exemptions).

The lounge was a little bizarre at Dubrovnik airport. Instead of being in a separate room – it just had a few partitions around the smallish room to keep the alleged “haves” from the “have nots”. The lounge is what Ant calls a common lounge – eg: all airlines use it. I call it the town bike – everyone’s had a ride.

There were a couple of computer terminals – where I get a chance to do a bit of blogging (so far behind) and Ant internets a bit. There was this really annoying girl from Canberra who kept harping on about the 2003 bushfires (or whenever they were).

Our flight to Gatwick was OK. Although there was this really weird woman sitting next to me who had this strange safari hat and ski boots on. She would leave her safari hat on the seat tray – and if I wanted to get out of my seat – she would then squash her hat in the upright tray… OK? Ant starts reading my book and gets through more than I’ve read over the past two days in 20 mins.

When we landed at Gatwick – the strange woman with the safari hat forgot to take her strange book – but being the good Samaritan that I am – I yelled at her until she picked it up.

Although Heathrow was worse in terms of “divey-ness” – Gatwick wasn’t all that much better. The Gatwick express train station was a little bit like a rock show. The good old ticket machine gave me change for 20 quid – in one pound coins – just what my exploding wallet needs.

We catch the local train instead of the Gatwick Express. The local train costs about half what the Gatwick Express does – and it has three or so extra stops – probably not really worth the premium. We arrive at Victoria Station which was v busy.

Instead of staying out our time-honoured tradition that is the Crestfield in Kings Cross – it was fully booked for one of the nights we were back in London – so we booked two nights instead at the Burns Hotel (a Best Western apparently) at Earls Court – an area that both Ant and I didn’t really know very well.

We got the tube from Victoria Station to Earls Court (bloody hell the tube is busy and curviness of the trains doesn’t do wonders to your spine when you have to stand up).

We quickly find our hotel (which was about 2 mins from the station) and check in with no problems. Although the Burns is 15 pounds more a night than the Crestfield – there is a massive difference in quality. The Crestfield’s rooms are very claustrophobic and the shower /toilet is usually combined. However – the Burns is very big (had a desk, TV, cupboard, separate shower and toilet) probably twice as big as the Crestfield – so the increase in price is very noticeable.

We have some traditional English cuisine for dinner – Indian. It costs about $40AUD and we had 2 beers (although half pints), two mains, rice, naan and pappadams – which seems to be better value than back in Australia. Although Ant nearly had some “arse curry” when they guy sitting next to us almost planted his backside in Ant’s plate when he was getting up and leaving. Choice.

Ant and I then wander around for a bit around Earls Court. There were a few drunks about – a mob who were screaming out the “Chunt” word whilst another couple beating each other up in front of a pub. I find my first “Doctor Who”-esque Police Box outside Earls Court station… Right next to the police box was a “Knife Disposal” box – where some old granny probably came up with the following saying – “Bin the knife! Get a life!”…

Japan to Australia via Eastern Europe and stuff - Part 27 - Day 23 – Dubrovnik / Mljet Island...

Another day – more wall to wall coverage of that VT shooting… I can now do an impersonation of that shooter guy (“…your soul tourrched”)… CNN is repetitive. If it was the only thing you ever watched – you probably would only think that there are only 3 stories happening in the world on any one day. At least Sky has 6 stories…

We saw some ads for Montenegro who have been to the “Malaysia Truly Asia” school of advertising. It pretty much reaffirmed that Dubrovnik is just like Montenegro… so we probably didn’t miss out on all that much.

At breakfast – we sit near this guy that looks like Ronnie Corbett – only smaller (probably less than 4 feet). As Dubrovnik is such a small place – we spotted Ronnie yesterday on the bus. Instead of doing the psychic mindgames with the waitresses – I just steal a coffee jug today.

We notice that the WMD course at the hotel has a few American presenters… They all wear nametags with where they work for – just so the terrorists know who to target. (I should register for tax purposes!)

We walk down to the bus stop near the hotel where there is this big bus orgy happening – with five buses parked there with no drivers. We noticed that there was this Learners Driving Academy up the road – there is something scary than a Croat driver – a Croat learner driver…

Instead of going to our fav supermarket (Konzum) – we go to “Tommy Hipermarket” instead at Lupid Bay (it’s hiper baby). Although they probably could have renamed it the “Tommy crappierthanknozum-market).

Just down the road at the Ferry Terminal – we buy some tickets to Mljet on the ferry-cat – which were a bit on the pricey side (150KN return).

I hadn’t been feeling a 100% for the past few days – and the reason why we were going to Mljet was to (push) bike ride… So I wasn’t superkeen to do a bike ride. However I started to perk up a bit after the 1 and a half hour boat ride to Mljet.

Mljet is another place that LP creams it jeans about – calling it the most “seductive” island – although we didn’t really feel very horny being there.

The boat drops you off at a little town called Polace – where Ant and I jointly decided to go and hire a bike as it would take too long to get around the island by foot. One guy was offering 40KN bikes to people – but they looked a little rustic when he started to hand them out to people – so we went to the 50KN woman who’s bikes looked a little better maintained (although they were way too small for both Ant and I). A funny thing about this was that in Australia – normally you’d have to show your drivers licence and credit card details if you were going to hire a bike from Mr Spokes or something – but here – it was like you hand over the money and you get the bike (no ID or credit cards or anything).

We set off on our bike ride from Polace and you hit a giant hill straight after the town. I totally choke and do a big whinge at the top of the hill (I think my sickness wasn’t really helping).

About a 1km and a half or so up the road – you ride past this big boom gate with two girls who were charging 90KN admission to get into the national park. Today was getting pretty expensive (140KN bikes and national park entrance plus 150KN ferry tickets – it was almost as expensive as going to Montenegro (without the tour)). Ant an I have a little grizzle about the prices here.

A reason why the National Park entrance fee is so expensive – is that it includes a boat ride to a Benedictine Monastery … Although the problem with that is the boat leaves at about 12ish – and the ferry from Dubrovnik arrives here about the same time – so most people miss out on it. Guys – it is time to synchronise your timetables better with the ferry from Dubrovnik!

Anyhows – we ride on for a bit further until we get to a giant salt water lake which is really pretty. We find a more “secluded” part of the island and have lunch by the lake (what I mean by lunch is some luke warm pepsi max and mashed up banana sandwiches – only the best). It felt pretty good (just like yesterday) to get out of cities and do a bit of nature or something. Meanwhile – Kodak Moment happy Ant runs out of memory on his camera – so we do a bit of a quick delete of crappy photos off the camera.

Ant seems convinced that we can cycle around the edge of the lake the whole way – so we continue along until we get to a small village – where we discover that we can’t go any further.

I looked like Professor Nerd today. As I was wearing jeans – I needed to put my white socks over the ends of my jeans to stop the jeans catching on the bike spokes. I looked a bit like a “VT target”. Ant took a few pictures for keepsakes.

We trek back around the island to yet another village (which looked a bit more civilised than the other one). Although in some sections of the bike path – it puts the Canberra Lake Burley Griffin track to shames – in other places – you sort of worry about landmines and potholes and such.

During the bike ride – we had to keep a good eye on the time. We had a 3:20pm-sharp departure back at Polace – and if we missed the boat – we would have to stay at the island, wouldn’t get back to Dubrovnik to late the next day, would miss our flight… So missing the boat would be a travel insurance nightmare.

On the way around the island – we see the “infamous” Benedictine Monastery that we had missed the boat to. Although it was like a little castle in the middle of the lake – if we had gone there – we would have been stuck on the mini-island for whole afternoon.

After about 20 mins of further cycling – we reach the end of the road – where you get a scenic view of that first village we saw despite the jebus cross being there.

Our ride back was pretty uneventful. I was sort of dreading going back up that hill – although it wasn’t as steep as before. Despite me making it up the hill successfully – I almost get killed by a suicidal mini-van Croatian driver on the way day. Ant can’t stop taking Professor Nerd photos (no wonder we are always having to burn CDs off the camera all the time – Ant – it is quality not quantity!).

Note to myself – next time I go on a physical activity with my money belt – take it off – because my money belt smelt very BO-y fresh.

Upon return to the bike hire place – we find that all of the bikes are not chained up and unattended… We just drop ours off . Nothing was open at Polace – it was a bit like a ghost town – with everything shut between 11am and 3pm (when all of the tourists are here?!).

Despite us both getting a bit freaked out about missing the boat – we had about 40 mins to kill before the ferry left Polace. I think we both had a good time despite things being a bit pricy. I don’t think I would rate the place as high as LP – but it is pretty… but it would have been better if they had more boat rides to the Monastery.

Ant falls asleep again on the boat trip home (and I take some revenge photos). Ant wakes up almost at the end of the 1 and a half hour boat ride saying – “have we left Mljet yet?” – I reply “about an hour ago”.

When we arrive back at Dubrovnik – we headed to Konzum (don’t want to mess with Tommy no more) to pick up some supplies. At the nearby bus station (where my bus station nemesis was there – waiting for more victims) we find out that there is a 30KN bus ride to the airport (rather than the 30 euro transfer) – so we will do that tomorrow when going to the airport.

We chill out back at the hotel where I get a bit of German MTV fix. They seem to be very much into dating shows at the moment – one of them is called “Date My Mom” where one young suitor dates three mom’s and then gets to decide which daughter he would like to date (despite not seeing them)… as you do. Also – I caught up with a bit of “Flavor of Love” (sorry about all this American spelling – but that is the name of the show) – where Flava Flav got rid of not one, but two women in the one night. He got rid of Smiley who was “still in love with her ex husband” and Hottie – an alleged golddigger who Flava saw on the other TV show “Blind Date” where she was attracted to some guy with a cash flow. I hope that Flava, Smiley and Hottie weren’t their real names.

For dinner – we decide to go back and get some pizza from that restaurant that we had gone to a couple of nights ago. The freaky waiter guy was still there – but there were a fair few more customers than the previous night so he was a little preoccupied. There was this table full of elderly Brits who were drunk and carrying on like Kath n Kim splitting a bill at a Chinese restaurant (you had two dim sims and I had three spring rolls!).

After dinner – we wander around the shopping mall – which we dub as a ghost mall. Everything was shut for the “off season” and would be reopening in May. Talking about Ghost Malls – but we had read in the paper that the world’s biggest shopping mall in China (we wrote about watching it on CNN during our trip to China) was going bankrupt – surprise surprise…!

We turned CNN back on – and it was all about shootings. But to give CNN some credit – it was a different shooting than the one at VT.

Japan to Australia via Eastern Europe and stuff - Part 26 - Day 22 - Dubrovnik (I see more old people)...

I play a little “Sims 2” in bed after waking up where I finally intimidate some woman into admitting that she had murdered her 3 ex husbands and then made her husband leave… as you do.

I go a little easier on the coffee at breakfast – I have a cup and a half instead of the three I had yesterday. But getting the mug of coffee is very stand-offish (as usual). I try and get inventive and make “Banana with Honey Pancakes” – nutritional…

After doing a bit more of the “Super Happy Fun Laundry Time” action – I convince Ant to walk once more into town (just to get a bit of exercise).

We check out the restauranty bit of Lapad during the day (we were there a couple of nights ago trying to find somewhere to eat). There were a few touts offering tours along the street – but I had refined my anti-tout technique which seemed to be rather effective – just say “No thanks!” and they tend to avoid you.

The beach at Lapad is another “European” beach affair – with a total lack of sand. I pose for a photo of me sunbaking on the rocks as you do… There is yet another communist super happy fun slide on the beach which was rusting away. Why not at the same time as getting rid of all the Stalin statues – just get rid of the communist super happy fun slides on beaches as well?

We continue to walk along unexplored bits of Lapad – making our way into town. We walked past a rental video shop that is cruising for a suing by George Lucas – it was called “Star Wars II Video Shop”.

Again – Ant and I are taking our lives into our own hands whilst walking around in Dubrovnik – most of the drivers seem to aim at pedestrians when parking their cars.

We arrive at the old town about 11ish and instead of doing something touristy – we check out a bookshop which had a pretty big range of Engrish books at pretty reasonable prices (for a non-Engrish country). I end up buying a Chuck Palahniuk book and Ant gets a book about the former Yugoslavia. The bookshop also had a pretty big range of LPs and travel books – including the latest version of LP’s Eastern Europe. We did the whole comparing prices with the current version – and it feels like most places the price has gone up by 50% (and I thought Australian inflation was bad!). The new version of LP also had a better map of Dubrovnik (the current edition has a really bad lack of street names – which makes it really hard to use). Plus LP had taken some Buffet Restaurant (that Ant and I tried to go to a couple of days ago but it was shut) out of LP. LP’s current assessment of the food was “slightly better” than the previous edition – but they say that eating in Dubrovnik is mostly pizza, pizza, pasta and pizza.

If I hadn’t mentioned this already - Dubrovnik is in the province of “Dalmatia” – home of the Dalmatian. Most tourists shops seem to be selling crap with Disney’s 101 Dalmatians on it (probably illegally). Also – you can stock up on all of your soccer riot gear with a complete range of Croatian-wear (hats, flags, football tops, etc). Just perfect for your next Sydney FC vs Newcastle match or something.

After successfully killing 1 hour at the bookshop – we head over to the Lokrum Ferry at the other side of Old Town. Luckily enough – we get on a ferry straight away (they only come every hour). It was starting to get a little creepy – I had seen this bearded “Beret” man three times now – once during our first day to Old Town, second – during the city wall climb (yesterday) and today – he was on our boat to Lokrum. Beret man strikes again… my new nemesis for the trip (replacing the beige jacket man from the salt mines – wait – that guy is a nemesis for life. There was also that tout guy from the Dubrovnik bus station – god I hate him).

Anyway – Lokrum island is pretty much right next to Dubrovnik and the return trip only costs 40KN. After the 10 or so min trip – we reached the island – thinking that we would have to pay an entrance fee to get in… We rock up to a lady sitting at a desk (no shelter mind you) – and begin fiddling with our wallets when I notice that all ferry passengers are exempted from paying the entrance fee (it is already built into the ferry ticket or something).

Lokrum Island had that deserted post-apocalyptic feel to it. I was getting flashbacks to that recent Dawn of the Dead movie where (SPOILER) all the survivors make it to an island only to discover that it is full of more zombies.

Ant and I were trying to find a spot to eat our lunch – what better place than an FKK nudist beach! There was a big sign warning people not to take photos at the nudist beach (I got Ant to take a photo of me at the sign). A group of fellow travellers (including our stalker Beret man) sort of all hesitated – wondering if they should really go onto the FKK beach. I push on ahead (then everyone else slowly followed) only to realise that the FKK beach had the deserted zombie thing happening again (eg: no one there).

Again – their idea of an FKK beach was a bunch of huge rocks, rocks with more rocks and no sand (and no easy way to actually get into the water). Spartacus (the gay travel guide) said that the far end of this beach gets gay – but you couldn’t really tell because no one was here.

After lunch – we retraced our tracks back to where the ferry dropped us off – then took a path to this Monastery and Restaurant – which kept up the whole Resident Evil 4 motif of the island. I kept half expecting some guy with a chainsaw and a sack over his face to race out and decapitate us. There were a few more signs of life around the Monastery – just some workmen with chainsaws (thus the whole Resident Evil 4 thing).

There was a nearby (clapped out) Botanical Gardens which had specialised in Australian and American plants… which felt pretty weird. Apparently – during the war – this place was bombed by the Serbs (what an important military target – a botanical gardens!). There was a woman with a pram having a hard time in a very pram-unfriendly island.

We started to walk around the edge of the island – when Ant and I began discussing important world events and issues – like when are they going to release Hercules Returns on DVD?! During our whole walk – we must have passed at least 2 people. At least you could get some great Kodak moment shots of Dubrovnik from the island.

In the middle of the island – there was a big old fortress which we had both explored. You could even get better photos of Dubrovnik from here (if the trees weren’t in the way). Ant played this weird experiment with Pepsi Max and Ants (the small variety) – but it turned out that Ants don’t like Pepsi Max (probably that phenylalanine that they hate or something).

Keeping track of the time – we raced back from the fortress to the ferry terminal – and made it for the next trip back (no waiting around for an hour). It was quite funny waiting around for a boat because some couple who had got a private boat over to the island looked really pished off about paying the entrance fee to the island. They were giving all these pouting looks to the woman serving. Maybe they had gone broke hiring a private boat out to the island? Mr Beret was catching our boat. Also there was some Australian couple who was at the Monastery from yesterday… Dubrovnik can be a small small place.

After getting back to the old town – we try and find a Synagogue that was in LP – but after searching for 10 mins – we gave up (we had a bit of Synagogue overload back in Prague). Again – Beret man strikes again as he was eating a pizza near where we thought the synagogue would be…

Something my dad would visit for tax purposes is a visit to the third oldest pharmacy in Europe. But after checking it out – it must be the world’s emptiest pharmacy – completely devoid of customers or staff. I think it must make its money from the next door Pharmacy Museum – as they were charging something outrageous like $10AUD a pop… and stewpid tourists were doing it. So instead of that – Ant just took some pictures of me outside the pharmacy.

We head to the east side of old town (haven’t done this before) and we check out another alleged beach (with more rocks)… Beret man strikes again – this time he was sunbaking on the beach – and he was the only person to set foot into the water. There was also this really bad juggling dude – who looked like he needed heaps and heaps of practice before he could start doing the “Chainsaw/Machete” thing.

We walked back over to the “Old Town” bus interchange – wanting to catch a bus back home – but our 24 hour tickets had expired. We walk over to the ticket counter only to realise that the woman there decided to take some anonymous random break (even the locals were puzzled). We attempted to buy some tickets at a local newsstand – but they claimed “it’s only for LOCALS”… Neoyce!

We go to a nearby bakery to tide our hunger a bit – and then miraculously – the woman at the ticket counter reappears 15 mins later. We grab some more tickets and head back to the hotel where we rest for a little while. I rescue some guy locked up in someone’s basement where the family holding him were doing scientific experiments on him (this is the Sims 2 by the way).

For dinner – as we were feeling a bit sick of pizzas – I had spotted a non-pizza restaurant in Old Town that served (funnily enough) Bosnian cuisine called (funnily enough) the Taj Mahal Restaurant. Dinner was pretty nice – we had the speciality (the Taj Mahal) – and it was a veal/mushroom/cheese pastry thing with some really tasty potatoes with cheese and chives… I get the idea to open a chain of restaurants here at Dubrovnik – “Thank God it’s not Pizza!” – I’m sure I could make a lot of money…

Come to think of it – why stop at Dubrovnik – I could open up a chain of restaurants in Chile called “Thank God it’s not Completo!” - I’m onto something here peoples…

The big difference between here and Chile/Santiago is – at least Santiago had McDonalds (I haven’t seen one at all since we had left Budapest). I hate to say it – but McDonalds has more variety than the food here in Dubrovnik.

Japan to Australia via Eastern Europe and stuff - Part 25 - Day 21 - Dubrovnik (I see old people)...

Another day – another non-stop around the clock VT shooting coverage on CNN.

Breakfast at the Argosy Hotel was a bit of an odd affair. Although the view from the hotel restaurant was fantastic – ocean views ahoy – the food was a bit of a strange eastern European mix of bread, cheese and meats, cold scrambled eggs and greasy bacon with extra oil, and some breakfast cereals (what is it with Eastern Europe and chocolate flavoured muesli?!) and fruit. Plus instead of the usual “help yourself to coffee deal” at hotels – the Argosy Hotel had some system whereby the waiting staff would bring you over a whole 3L jug of coffee. Of course – this usually deteriorated into some psychic mind games – trying to convince the waitresses to bring you over a jug using the power of your mind and dirty looks – but always ended up with you just grabbing the jug off them instead. The former Yugoslavia is definitely the land that “Toast” forgot.

Another thing at breakfast was the insane amounts of old people staying at this hotel. The average age of guests here must be about 85 years old. We were warned about this in a trip advisor review. We see old people…

Of note – was the WMD Threat Assessment course being held at the hotel… We had a little look at their itinerary – it was chemical attacks today, and biological attacks tomorrow…

Although the Argosy Hotel is a 3 star – the rooms definitely feel up to the four star standard of Australia. Big, clean and comfortable with a flashy looking bathroom. You normally expect the lobby and front entrance to be the best looking part of the hotel – but in a bit of a twist – the Argosy’s lobby is a whole lot more early 80s grungier than the rooms.

Ant and I head out to the nearby beach – “Copacabana” Beach. The water in the sea is just so spectacularly blue and clear. You’d probably find it pretty hard going trying to find any sort of pollution in it. Although the water here at Copacabana beach is nicer and cleaner than its more famous name sake – the beach is a whole lot rockier and generally crappier than the Brazilian version… Plus the Croatian version had a crappy communistic waterslide to boot. Next to Copacabana was a strange rock with “FKK” marked on it. These strange beasts is what the locals call nudist beaches… although we didn’t really see anyone there.

We headed by foot through the “Auto Kamp Solituda”. Despite it sounding like a Nazi death camp – it was just a Croatian version of a caravan park – complete with no guests.

After about 15 mins or so – we arrive at the Lapad Bay area again (where nothing was open the previous night). This place is very Kodak-moment friendly – the glorious water, lots of yachts and nice semi-old buildings and mansions and such. The weather here is much warmer than elsewhere on our trip – t-shirts and jeans material.

Because Ant was interested in organising a ferry trip to a nearby island – we checked out the “empty as all hell” ferry area. I think we must have missed a boat – and everything was completely shut.

Right next door to the ferry terminal was a large supermarket called Konzum (gotta love that name!). It felt like a Croatian version of Walmart or something (maybe just a tad smaller). We picked up some supplies for lunch – some big nice bread roll thingys – Ant got some salami and some (plastic) cheese and I got some bananas as I luv banana sandwiches…

We stumble across a local tourist info centre where we discover that the ferry that we want leaves at 10am from the ferry terminal – so we both agree that we will do this in a couple of days time instead of the whole Montenegro thing.

We wander into the Old town area again – Dubrovnik isn’t really the biggest place on the planet – it just sort of looks big and spread out when you look at maps. It had only taken us about 25 or so minutes to walk from Lapad to the Old Town – and it was quite enjoyable getting out of the bus and seeing Dubrovnik by foot. The place was starting to warm to me (a little more than the tourist overload/no restaurants experience that was yesterday). Although seeing Dubrovnik by foot is a whole lot more dangerous than the relative safety of the bus. Croat drivers are fairly manic (another flashback to China again) – they drive all over the road and will pull off the road and just park randomly somewhere – even if it almost bowls over 20 pedestrians. They love to wave and toot at passing friends in cars – instead of keeping their eyes on the road. At least LP backs up my claims by mentioning that the locals “lack discipline” whilst driving.

When we reach the Old Town – we find a secluded, somewhat urine smelling park to have lunch at. Despite the urine – it was quite peaceful and relaxing to be able to have a slow lunch whilst looking out at the sea and the water coming in on the Fort.

After lunch – we paid the 50KN entrance fee to do the 2km city wall loop ($12AUD or thereabouts). According to LP – these walls are Dubrovnik’s biggest claim to fame. It encloses the whole city and you get great views of not only the old town, but the sea and the rest of Dubrovnik (well – the bits near the old town). There were a couple of Croatian “Biggest Losers” doing the 2km walk around – and they looked a little hot and bothered to put it mildly. Ant showed me how to spot what the “old old” bits of the city were – anything with darkish coloured roof tiles was old – while the rest was new (which was quite a bit). You could also spot the huge cruise ships anchored off shore – with little boats bringing the tourists from the ship to the shore. This explains why the city is busy during the day and dead at night… Most of the tourists are on cruise ships and they don’t stay in the city. Anyhow - the city wall is well recommended – and pretty much a must do whilst here.

We checked out the Dominican Monastery – which confirmed our theory that there has been about 50% inflation here since LP was written. Our version of LP is dated Feb 2005 – and the Monastery costs 10KN in LP – whereas it costed as 20KN. The City wall was 30KN in LP – and now it is about 50KN.

Although it was pretty – the Monastery sure as hell doesn’t beat the Monastery in Arequipa. I got Ant to take these “devil” shots of me at the cathedral alter doing poses (cultural sensitivity to the max) – not realising that my cohorts were being captured on CCTV. Luckily – in another room – we saw the store attendant who was “manning” the CCTV – but he seemed more interested in his sudoku or something. We had both agreed that it wasn’t really worth the money and the LP sort of went into overboard in giving it praise.

We get an ice cream from a shop down the Old Town main street USA bit – where the guy serving ice cream calls everyone “mate”. There was some Australian connection with the guy – I can’t remember what – but it was a little disturbing.

We catch the 1A bus to go back to Konzum to get some more supplies. People here just don’t queue for buses… It is a bit of a mad rush to get on – and every man, dog and child tries to cut you off. But I’m well suited to pushing in front of others – I got heaps of practice in China.

We get some supplies at Konzum – then catch a 1A back to the “bus interchange” of Dubrovnik – where we had to wait a world record of 15 mins for the next bus to our hotel (which was totally packed).

Back at the hotel – we both decide (somewhat naively) to go swimming at the hotel pool – only to realise that it was overrun by these elderly Irish tourists and that the pool was not heated and it was cold… artic cold.

Ant sunbakes – while (in an attempt to keep my pasty white complexion intact) – I chill out at the hotel. There were some stewpid tourists ads for Croatia that felt a little geographically impaired… “Croatia – the way the Mediterranean once was…” Hello… we are at the Adriatic sea peoples… Anyhow – wanky touristy ads on CNN is our pet hate on this holiday. They all feel like they are made by the stewpid advertising company that makes those “Malaysia Truly Asia” ads… or “Incredible India” or “Greece – explore your senses”… And what is the deal with the “Greece” ads plastered all over Dubrovnik – why go to Greece when you are already at Dubrovnik (which appears to be pretty interchangeable for Greece apart from the food)…?!

For dinner – we check out the cheap Pizza restaurant nearby our hotel. There is this sort of freaky looking shopping “mall” that is right next to our hotel. It sort of has the same architecture (probably built at the same time) but it all looks like privately run businesses which aren’t affiliated with the hotel (because a hotel restaurant wouldn’t charge pizzas this cheap). When we arrive and find a table – the somewhat manic waiter is screaming at another customer “We are BETTER than PIZZA HUT!!!”… Well – I guess it is more louder than Pizza Hut?!

We order two pizzas, a couple of 500ml beers (no we aren’t complete alco’s – it’s just the serving size here in Eastern Europe) and some ice cream for 110KN. We get chatting with the manic waiter guy (as you do) and it turns out he used to be a steward on a coal ship from Newcastle, Australia… He also mentioned that he had been to South America and really like Chile (and amazingly Valparaiso!!!). The conversation sort of got a bit weird when he started to recommend that we go to the “Crazy Horse” in Singapore. Are “Crazy Horses” like the McDonald’s of strip clubs – they are everywhere?!!

Japan to Australia via Eastern Europe and stuff - Part 24 - Day 20 - Mostar to Dubrovnik...

We had another bad night sleep (recurring theme of holiday! Celebrate!). The owners of this Pansion Lombrelle have a café downstairs and people seemed to be partying all night long.

We wake up to some over-analysis of the overnight shootings in VT… The news was exactly the same as the night before – nothing has changed in “Wolf Blitzer’s The Situation Room”. That show has to get the prize for being the most stewpid name for a show. It sounds more like a stewpid Tom Clancy book with terrorists blowing up Baltimore or something.

We grab some breakfast at a nearby Bakery. Ant and I quickly pack up our stuff (never really got a chance to get our stuff out in Mostar) and check out – where we pay that guy who wanted $$ from us using the internet the night before… It ended up being about $5AUD for 3 hours which seems a little expensive relative to what you could buy for that around BIH.

We head over to the bus station for our 10am Eurolines bus ride to Dubrovnik. I do a bit of a mad rush to get rid of all of my KM and buy some sugary crap.

We have had previous experience with Eurolines before – Ant and I had caught a bus from Amsterdam to Paris – which was long and hell… plus the “Surprise Police Search” wasn’t all peachy… The bus had been pulled over by some border cops – and they wanted to search all the people who had come from Amsterdam (including us) – but Ant and I sheepishly just pretended to not know what was going on to save the police from searching our stuff (although we didn’t really have anything to hide from).

Eurolines was living up to its hell rep – as the bus arrived 15 mins late and was fully packed. I quickly raced on to the bus to grab a couple of seats whilst Ant chucked our bags underneath the bus.

The bus driver had obviously had a customer service bypass – as he seemed crankier than Hitler on PMT drugs. He checked, then double checked, then triple checked everyone tickets… then huffed and puffed and did a bit of a diatribe in Bosnian or Croat (or some language)… 15 mins into this – some passengers started firing shots (verbal ones) back at the driver to get this rock show on the road to Dubrovnik. He finally got his s### together and we left Mostar.

Just to pish everyone off just a little bit more – he constantly played really bad early 80’s croat music which distorted at the drop of the hat… So loud – I was probably doing irreparable damage to my ears by cranking up my Ipod to 11.

The bus was truly living up to Eurolines’ low standards – the bus was really slow, hot and stuffy. To top it off – the bus driver stopped at some seedy motel right near the BIH/Croatian border – with no food or drinks or toilets (bloody bus driver kick backs).

At the border – we pull over into this trucking/bus pen and the bus driver gets up and collects everyone’s passports/IDs – and in no particular order. I started to think to myself – “is there any sort of method in this guy’s madness? How is he going to hand back our passports??” The bus driver leaves the bus – and a few border guards check the bus. 10 mins later – and I start to get a bit panicky (I hate not having my passport on me)…. But the bus driver returns with a big wad of passports and IDs and just hands it to some girl sitting at the front of the bus… What a bastard…

Anyhow – the bus soon left the border crossing – when the bus driver continued to crank that bad 80s music up to 11 and started shouting and carrying on. I was now getting irreparable brain damage at this stage.

When we finally arrived at the bus station at Dubrovnik – I’m sure I can remember usually mild mannered Ant calling the bus driver “asshole” as he stepped off the bus.

As soon as we stepped off the bus – a swarm of touts descended onto us. I did my usual trick of trying to ignore them… One tout took “offence” to this – he shouted at me “If you didn’t want anything then you could have just told me!!”. I replied back “you don’t have to stalk me!”. There was some other old creepy guy who kept waving his 85 year old copy of LP saying that his place was in LP.

We managed to fight through the hoards of touts to grab some cash from a nearby ATM. Ant wanted to buy 4 lots of day bus tickets at about 25 Kuna (or KN) each or 100KN total. He gave the woman at the counter a 200KN and she tried to short change Ant the 100KN change – before Ant chucks a hissy fit and gets his change back.

We head off in the direction of the bus station – while that rude tout who went off at me shouted out “I hope you don’t sleep on the beach!”… Mild mannered Ant replied “D!ckhead”…

After a bit of confusion – we find A bus stop – not THE bus stop we needed to catch a direct bus to our hotel. So after waiting for 5 mins – we catch the next available bus into town.

We had been warned about how busy the buses in Dubrovnik were on the internet – but it was a mosh pit with added “backpack and luggage” spice. The bus was full of these local cranky grannies (the word for today – “cranky”) who demanded us to move our bags so they didn’t have to walk an extra meter to get off the bus. Mild mannered Ant directed one woman to go around – complete with psycho hand actions. (I get the feeling that Ant is going to go Michael Douglas/Falling Down today…)

When Ant realised that the bus was going in the wrong direction – we hopped off – went to another bus stop and caught a number 6 straight to our hotel. The cranky locals continued –despite the temperature of the bus being over 50 degrees Celsius – some old cranky grandpas continued to shut all the bus windows. I’m starting to get flash backs to China – pushy people, no queuing etiquette, cranky oldies… plus both countries begin with a “C” or something.

Our hotel – the Argosy Hotel – was right at the last stop of the bus line (although the bus trip would have only been about 10 mins long). The hotel was in a bit of a “resort” area of town – there was the more “flashy” (in run down 80s style) Presidential Hotel next door – but the Argosy was more of a 3 star affair – at about $100AUD a night.

After checking in – we had a one queen sized bed room on the ground floor facing out to the sea. Despite the lobby to be really clapped out and depressing in an 80s sort of way – the room was quite modern and flashy for a three star (probably more of a 4 star back in Australia).

Because we were getting extremely desperate – Ant and I did a bit of “Super fun laundry time” for a whole hour – desperate housewives indeed. I bags being the slutty Gabrelle! Ant can be Bree… (well – they both have red hair).

Anyhows – we caught another number 6 back into town. A good thing about the bus tickets is that they are valid for 24 hours, not like most day tickets which are only valid for that day. Despite our hotel being on the “outskirts” of town – it only takes 10 mins to get to the old town of Dubrovnik.

Now LP waxes lyrical about Dubrovnik being “paradise on earth” or “pearl of the Adriatic” or something. Maybe the first thing that hit me about Dubrovnik were the amount of tourists. Not that we were in “peak season”, and not that it was overloaded touristy – but I wasn’t used to the volumes of tourists here – not since Prague anyway.

But despite the tourists – Dubrovnik is very pretty. The old town (well new old town after the war) contrasts strongly with the very deep greenish-blue and clean waters of the Adriatic. The old town is surrounded by a big wall and the fort at the corner of the old town is pretty much instantaneously recognisable.

Because it was about 3pm and I was getting hungry – we find a nearby sandwich bar where I buy a hot dog and coke at Western Europe prices of $5AUD – and Ant gets a sandwich thingy plus one of those meat pastry Bosnian/Croatian things.

The prices for things here are a little bit of a shock to the system (after the rest of relatively cheap Eastern Europe). There were a tonne of restaurants in old town (selling the same stuff mind you) at outrageous prices ($15 or $20AUD for some pasta with tomato sauce). We were both sure that if Croatia was to introduce the Euro – it would probably bring the prices of things DOWN. I mean – this place has Australian prices for a bottle of coke – and Australia has the most expensive coke on the planet.

Ant and I explored a few churches and stuff in old town. We also explored a few “suburban” areas of old town – where Ant made the comment that the locals must get sick of “living in a museum”. Old town is quite steep in parts – and it sure must be a bi#ch to carry the groceries up to some of the houses, let alone bulky furniture and stuff.

We check out one of the tourist information places to see if we can book a tour to Montenegro. There were a couple of things bad about the day trips on offer – firstly – they were only offering them for the next day (not available any of the other days), secondly – it was going to cost about $100AUD per person and nothing much was included, thirdly – they were going to be total ba#tards and pick us up from our hotel at 7:10am… I discover Ant’s evil intent behind going to Montenegro – to get another stamp in the passport – so we both mutually decide to blow it off and do a local island trip instead. Plus Montenegro was probably going to be pretty much like Dubrovnik. I was also getting flash backs to our day trip to Colonia in South America… Scary ones…

On our way back to the hotel – we pick up some “essential” supplies for our stay in the hotel (beer, chippies or “chippys” as they call them here).

We crash for a bit at the hotel and catch up with some CNN and Sky News – where they are going a bit mental over the VT shootings. Sky however seems a bit more focussed on whole second amendment and gun control debate more so than CNN.

I flick it over to the german version of MTV (not sure why – but the whole of eastern Europe is covered by German MTV) and another music channel called VIVA. MTV and VIVA suffer the whole Australian Channel V / Video Hits disease of non stop Jamstar mobile phone crap ads. Although over here – they call it “Jamba” (maybe Jamstar means “Nazis” in german or something?). The latest “craze” is for a rapping “Crazy Cow” who raps “Baby got Back”. Small factual error– the crazy cow appears to be male – yet cows are female or something…

At about 9ish – we catch a bus to the alleged “food/restaurant” area of Dubrovnik (as described by LP) – only to find that there wasn’t anything open – apart from a few cafes which are strictly coffee and grog only (a really annoying eastern Europe thing).

Getting a bit more desperate – we head back to Old Town (despite not really finding anything we liked previously at lunch time). Meanwhile – the hot dog from lunch is seriously disagreeing with my fragile eco-system that is my stomach.

Strangely – everything at Old town is shut too… For such a big tourist city like Dubrovnik – you’d think stuff would stay open till after 9:20pm at least… God – this place was getting worse than Canberra. At least I could go to Dolly’s food van or something! Meanwhile – I’m getting a little nauseous – I almost vomit when Ant and I were checking out a menu to a shutting Pizza restaurant (not sure if it was my stomach or the prices?).

We stumble across a small take away shop where we get some pastry things for 20KN each or about $6 each. It was a bit crappy – but we were desperate… desperate as housewives.

We head back to the hotel – feeling a bit defeated… and craving for asian a little. The whole continent seems to be devoid of any asian food. It feels like the local food here is pizza, pizza, pasta and the occasional hamburger…

We watch a bit of the “Mean Girls” movie back at the hotel. My favourite line “Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons... but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina! …!”