2 Unlimited Get Ready 4 This #1 in People's Chart of China - Part 20 - Last day of Guilin

Another night at the Sheraton - another bad sleep... We had the balcony door open all night but it didn't really help all that much in terms of heat in the bedroom. But this time I was armed with a 1.5 litre bottle of water - so the dehydration didn't really happen for me (apart from Ant who was suffering a little hangover - klassy with a k).

We had bakery again for breakfast but we are finding the range a lot more limited than Nanjing or Shanghai - there is no Bread Talk :-(

As we only had a half day to do sightseeing in Guilin before having to go out to the airport for our flight to X'ian - we made fast tracks to the Prince Palace / Hill Scenic Spot thingy. The entrance fee was pretty steep - 50 yuan - as too was the climb up the "Prince Hill". Ant and I had passed about 85 chinese going up the hill - but we never saw anyone up at the peak - apart from all the staff shouting at Ant not to take any pictures of a Buddha statue or the staff manning the "hokey Chinese period costume photo shop". It seems like every tourist attraction has hokey Chinese period costume hire and photo places - WTHIWWTC?! The view was a bit limited by the smog (of course!).

We checked out a grotto (how Playboy Mansion) - complete with heaps of rock carving do-dads... When you exit the grungy grotto - you enter into a marble laced gift shop - complete with the whole Chinese overstaffed disease.

We also checked out a "Exhibition Hall" where I got to pose with a "Chinese Baseball Bat" quickly before the guards would notice. Ant and I made a quick pitstop at a public toilet - although it looked rather gucci - there was a very un-gucci pile of sh## in one of the squat toilets which almost made me vomit. After we survived the 30 seconds in the toilet... I double dared Ant to go back and take a picture - he took up that dare and we now have a pile of sh## in our photo collection.

We both went into another hall (which we dubbed bizzaro hall). I think the deal is you go through these places with a tour guide - whereby the staff perform shows and stuff for the visitors in groups. We sought of threw a spanner in the works when Ant and I decided to go without a tour guide (they were all in chinese anyway). We entered the first room - not knowing what any of it was about (was all in chinese). We entered into the second room (which was pitch dark until we found the lights) - meanwhile a group was getting a "laser and light spectacular" in the first room (well not really - it was just some hokey chinese music with a screen).

It was the most surreal experience - so strange - Ant and I couldn't wait to find the closest exit. Planet Bizzaro didn't end at the Bizzaro Hall - they were piping this terrible traditional Chinese music with a Chinese guy sounding like he was doing a jazzercise workout over the music. If only I had a taperecorded - I could have captured it all...

The Prince tourist site was very overpriced and very underwhelming. None of it made much sense - and when compared to the stuff in Nanjing - it was a rip...

Outside of the site - there were some choice cuts of meat on show on the street. There was a dead, skinned deer on the back of a motorbike (probably Bambi's mother) and a guy carrying a gutted, skinned dog down the main street... Yummy.

Speaking of yum - Ant and I went back to the Taiwanese place for dinner. Although the soup was scolding hot, it was only 16 yuan for 2 people (who cares if your stomach gets heartburn – at $2.50AUD for 2 people you cannot complain)…

We headed back to the hotel only to find that the Sheraton had pulled another “New Plaza Hotel” stunt on us by locking us out of the room (5 minutes before checkout)…. After the slight delay of getting back into the room and grabbing all of our booty – we headed to the airport via taxi. My favourite bit of chinglish was the “Welcome Again to Guilin” on the road going to the airport. The airport isn’t exactly Guilin (it is 30kms out of town) and we weren’t exactly going to Guilin (rather flying out of Guilin Airport to Xi’an) – so I don’t know about the “Welcome Again” bizo.

Ignoring the whole “airport touts”/”New Plaza Hotel” horror stories (plus my sick day in the Sheraton) – we really enjoyed Guilin. The Li River cruise and the tour to Longsheng was a definite highlight of the trip. Although Guilin was really a launching pad to other things – it was a lively town with more atmosphere than Canberra after dark (which isn’t a hard feat to achieve). The sightseeing itself in Guilin was a little lacking (Elephant Rock and the Princes Hill/Palace doodad) – but nevertheless we had a good time. A big shout out to all the prostitutes that hang around the Sheraton Hotel area (I think I might have forgotten to mention them thus far)… They are all a little direct (saying “Massage” then “Sex”) to any foreign male in the area. I had worked out a brilliant way of getting rid of them – as soon as they approached – I would cross my arms and make a loud clicking noise with my mouth. They would either scurry away and cower or laugh and not harass us anymore – a great technique!

People's totally sick republic of China - Part 19 - Guilin - Day 13

Our room at the Sheraton had been overheating every night. We are staying on the 5th out of 6 floors and hot air rises. That - plus our aircon doesn't seem to function properly.

Because of this - I woke up totally dehydrated (a la "having a hangover without the fun part of drinking"). I was totally sick and feeling nauseous - and was basically bed-ridden until 4:30pm that day. To top off that day (or should I say early morning) - in a bit of a sleepy state at 4am - I had accidently switched on the TV at full blast after hitting my water bottle on the remote (which woke up Ant). Yeah baby yeah... I do distinctly remember Ant saying "it is alright. You can turn the TV on". To which I replied - "Ant - it is 4 am in the morning and I'm not wanting to watch TV". Although Ant had no recollection of this conversation - being semi comatosed from the day before.

Ant was sweet and got me some Poccari Sweat (Japanese sports drink with a "Robot pis$ing out clear liquid ad" - brillant!) and some Raisin bread in the morning (but in true crazy asian bakery style -it was chock full of sugar). Ant is getting totally addicted from these Coconut biscuits from the bakery - they probably outdo the raisin bread in the sugar stakes and we are probably going to gain massive weight before getting back to Australia.

I saw of was semi-watching TV all day - I watched Napoleon Dynamite again (HBO seems to have a great range... cough!) and CNN had started those Jesus documentary ads again... Damn CNN... I must apologise - as I got the quote wrong from the ad - the woman with the annoying voice says "the followers of Jesus were proclaiming a new king...!", followed by the guy who says "it's all about power". Damn CNN to hell!

Ant did a bit of sightseeing in my absence - he checked out Elephant Hill for a steep 25 yuan for a steep 450 step climb for a somewhat smoggy view of Guilin. For lunch - Ant had the golden arches (tut tut!) which he describes in my diary as being "not hot, like eating fries with sauce".

After I recovered from my non-alcoholic induced hangover (totally not cool) - we both returned to the internet cafe in an attempt to slander the New Plaza Hotel some more. My mum had sent me an email complaining about all the spelling mistakes in the blog - saying it is "indigestion" not "integestion". Hey - why don't you see how good you are with the spelling with a complete lack of spellcheck, english Microsoft Word or Chinese Blogger...?! Anwya may spelling is grate and I do not have dislexleah.

My mum also complained that we didn't go to the house of Dr Sun when we were at Nanjing. Give us a break - we saw a sh## load of stuff whilst we were at Nanjing - and we didn't do it on any ritzy organised tour ("insert poke-tongue out emoticon here").

The Chinese staring sort of reached a new level of weirdness with a guy staring at both Ant and myself (for about 20 minute periods) and what we were looking at on the internet. It's like soo riveting. Plus before I forget to mention - upstairs from the internet cafe in Guilin - there is a roller-skating rink - tres communisitic cool...

Ant and I did a bit of bag hunting. Even the state controlled department store here in Guilin sells dodgy counterfeit bags (Nike backpacks and Diesel manbags for 10AUD). So much for the government crackdown on piracy.

After bypassing a group of young hoodlums who were trying to get a reaction out of us by shouting "HEELLLO!" repeatedly - we completely ignored them and didn't get a "laughing" reaction out of them. Yeah baby yeah...

For dinner - we went to the restaurant formerly known as either the "Flavour Restaurant" or the "Cheap Restaurant" (both the Flavour and the Cheap had been sticky-taped over). The woman was really pushy - saying "you would love the pigeon" or "you want the expensive fish" and wouldn't even give us the time to fart let alone look at the menu in peace. And she had been to the McDonalds school of upsizing - "you don't want that fish - it is small - you want the big (expensive) one". We passed over the pigeon, turtle, dog and snake and ordered the hotpot fish instead - which is interesting where they bring out a burner and big wok and let you semi-cook the fish on the table. (Ant just got some bamboo chicken thing - because of the whole no fish rule).

Another strange thing was that the bowls, cups and chopsticks were all shrink-wrapped - for your protection...

We headed back to the hotel to try and finish the rest of our beers in our hotel room (klassy with a "k"). I tried to watch a little bit of the HBO hyped Tsunami: The Aftermath telemovie - but it was about as boring as Napolean Dynamite (maybe even more boring)...

Santa's Republic of "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" China - Part 18 - Christmas Day - Day 12

Xmas Day - but no rest for the wicked as we had yet another semi early start for our private motor boat up the Li River. The hotel atrium (the site of last night's Sheraton's Xmas do) - had been completely cleaned up and was normal looking. The stage and tables had been all removed... Xmas had truly been cancelled by the Sheraton. The doormen, who had been wishing all guests Merry Christmas the previous night, had just reverted back to saying "Good Morning". Maybe someone had oughta tell the Chinese that Christmas is on the 25th of December not the 24th!

Because of the smell of bacon was giving us that McDonalds wanting sensation - we wandered back to the same McDonalds that was closed the morning before - to discover it was in fact open today. Maybe they had closed on Christmas Eve to only reopen on Christmas Day in Sheraton style. The McDonalds was still playing quasi Christmas carols though - between German pop songs and semi-goth songs about Vampire love (in engrish). They were playing "Silent Night" complete with a woman harping on about "Praising Jesssusha". Who needs church when you've got McDonalds in Guilin?! And another thing - has anyone in the free world heard of the alledged xmas carol - "All I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth"?? They have been playing it here in China nonstop (like it is on the CCP approved list of Xmas Carols or something). The version they have been playing sounds like it was recorded by a metally challenged girl with trouble keeping pitch. I'm sure she would get a scathing attack on Idol.

I had ordered what I had thought was a Sausage and Egg McMuffin - when it was in fact a Sausage and Egg Burger (eg: with hamburger buns, tomato sauce and plastic McDonald's cheese). Very calorific!

We headed to the Youth Hostel - where we were greeted by a German couple (the other motor boat victims) and were whisked away by a guy in a jeep heading for the local pier. Because it is not the rainy season - the Li River levels are incredibly shallow - so none of the big boats can travel near Guilin. But because we were in a tiny motorboat - we could leave from Guilin. They weren't kidding when the woman at the hostel said that the river was very shallow - I'm sure in some parts it was about half a foot deep. Our driver (who didn't speak a word of engrish) had to get a bamboo pole out every 20 metres to make sure we weren't going to get stuck on the bottom (or something). It made for a very slow start to the day.

We managed to catch a local cormorant fisherman in action. This is where the locals train cormorant birds to catch fish for them. They attach collars around the birds and semi-domestic them. The birds swim around the river and catch fish - but don't swallow them... The fisherman then catch the birds with a noose and grab their "booty"... Cool heh?

I wasn't kidding about the shallowness of the river - a fellow motor boat pulled up beside our boat and our driver checked out their propeller. Their propeller must have hit some rocks at the bottom of the river and it was totally damaged. Thus made of a very slow trip (just the shallow bits anyway). Our driver had stewpidly put our boat into reverse whilst soaking myself (and a bit of Ant)... That goes really well with the winter temperature of the river.

We all told the driver that we wanted to stop at a local town of Daxu - along the banks of the Li River. Daxu is a very quaint town with cobble stoned roads and no real tourists. Sweet. I managed to haggle my way down from 80 yuan to 60 yuan for a cool "antique" pictures of tigers or something (but I'm pretty sure I could have saved more). The germans had told us they used the WC of a restaurant without paying for anything. We attempted to tempt fate twice and pull off the same feat. Unfortunately - we were busted by the woman who owned the restaurant. We attempted to conceede and purchase a couple of cans of sprite. She got the sprite straight off a shelf (completely unchilled and at room temperature) and demanded that we pay 20 yuan for it (when you can usually pick these up chilled at a supermarket for about 4 yuan each. Cause I wasn't willing to pay the highest price ever for a warm can of sprite - I got cranky - threw about 2 yuan at the lady and walked out without taking the sprite.

The river cruise is very rural - there were heaps of "quaint" scenes of people fishing, doing laundry, swimming and stuff around the river. Again - it was sooo good to get out of the city. I had almost dried off from the "water splashing reversing incident".

At about 1:30pm - our driver pulled off the river and said in Chinese "we are having lunch here". Here - was a fairly rustic "kick back" restaurant where they were slaughting the chickens fresh out-back in view sight of paying customers - choice. The germans taught us a local "bowl washing technique" where you pour hot chinese tea over your cups and bowls in order to clean them before you start mowing down on the food. Unfortunately - our tea was less than room temperature. When we tried to order fresh tea to the waitress - she looked at us stewpidly and refused to get a fresh batch. Cold tea seems to be a symptom of most restaurants. The german woman is a vegetarian. Ant and I thought that being a vegetarian must be the hardest thing in the world - because even vegetarian sounding things (like my "Fresh Millroom Soup" from the other day was packed full of meat). But she had the hostel make her up a card which says "Vegetarian" in chinese - very handy.

After lunch - we went straight back on the boat and our driver was driving like we were staring in Speed 3. I think it was to make up for time - but he didn't have to "Dart River NZ" style maneuver the boat towards cliffs and oncoming ferries. And Ant would kill me if I didn't mention some of the ferries we passed. Most wouldn't look that out-of-place on Thunderbirds with some sporting the 747 aeroplane look - tres communist!

The scenary was massively spectacular - massive limestone cliffs and peaks dropping straight into the river - it looked so very crouching tiger hidden dragon. The peaks sort of reminded both Ant and myself of Vietnam and Halong Bay - but that is not so surprising considering how close Guilin and the Li River is from Vietnam. It was well worth it coming here.

Late-ish in the afternoon - our driver concluded the tour and dropped us off the Yangshuo Ferry terminal. We made a dash for the 1 yuan toilet - complete with windows against the urinals where people outside could see your groin area. Most of the toilets (or urinals anyway) aren't very discrete - with most clearly visible from the female toilets area. Most toilets have their front door wide open for everyone to have a looksee... I've been to urinals with mirrors right next door to the trough. You had better not have any performance anxity issues before coming to China.

After saying goodbye to the germans (who were really good fun to have around - with a great sense of humour) we headed for the Langshuo bus station. Ant was getting a little worried because we were later than all of the organised tours who had been and gone to Langshuo a couple of hours before we arrived. But before we even got to the bus station - a woman grabbed us both and plonked us on a local bus going back to Guilin (for only 15 yuan each)... Sweet.

Ant was pretty sleepy (he had fallen into a coma several times on the mini bus ride back to Guilin) - and I was feeling OK - so I headed to the internet cafe - keen to blog about that darn New Plaza Hotel experience we had a couple of nights before. But my internet time ran out - and the computer had automatically shut down - meaning there was no way to retrive my work... Dammmn it!

Ant and I had dinner at the "touristy" Paul's Stakehouse on "tourist/prostitute lane" near the Sheraton. My fears of going to a Chinese version of Sizzler had realised - as they were serving "Steak, Seafood and Salad" buffet style... We ordered a couple of steaks - which came out on a "sizzling schezuan" style hotplate - complete with that traditional western steak side - a fried egg... Everything was pretty cheap considering that it was pretty touristy (about 20-30RMB for a crappy steak). Just so you didn't get confused about what you were eating - there were plenty of pictures of cows on the wall - even a "cuts of meat" diagram in the table. Choice cuts!

People's Power in the Disco Hour of China - Part 17 - Wedding Blriss - Day 11

We wake up (not having the nightmares of being raped by prostitues) - but the room is fairly hot making us a little bothersome. We have a 6:45am start for a 8am tour pick up outside the Backstreet Youth Hostel.

As we leave the room - the hotel atrium smells like bacon - which gives us the sick idea of having McDonalds for breakfast. We venture towards the local McDonalds only to find out that the 24 hour McDonalds wasn't open. So its crazy bakery again for breakfast...!

Upon arrival at the hostel - we discover that the hostel have organised another couple to go on the private Li River cruise with us - so that means it only costs us 250 Yuan each for the trip - bonus!

We hang out at the hostel for about 40 minutes (arrgggh!) until the tour comes and picks us up. We were just about the only other western people on the tour (apart from one ugly white guy with a Chinese wife - which seems to be a common occurance over here). Our tour guide - called "Nick" (very chinese sounding!) greets us and explains that a couple of things aren't included - including a Zhuang dance performance (optional) and a 10 yuan mini bus ride up to the Ping An village (as the big bus is too big to fit on the small, dangerous road).

As the bus completes picking up guests - most of which come from Hong Kong. The guide then goes onto say that he will speak in engrish most of the time as the Hongkers people don't really understand the guide very well (as he speaks Mandarian and they speak Cantonese and understand English better than Mandarian!).

A few jems that Nick mentioned - that the tour is expensive and if you fall asleep on the bus - you are wasting your money. He also stated that we paid a lot of money for the tour and if you don't like it - then you are wasting your money (of course!). He also said that the road trip up to the Ping An village is scary and dangerous - and expects most people to scream along the way (reassuring!).

The scenary to Longsheng was pretty spectular. The steep and dramatic landscape is fairly breathtaking - and the bus to Longsheng was worth the tour price. Although strangely - most of the Hongkers people had the blinds drawn. According to Ant - this is a pretty common occurance. He was reading a Brian Thatcher book where he was on a bus tour of the Swiss Alps and that most of the people from Hongkers had the bus blinds drawn and were looking at pictures of the Swiss Alps whilst driving past the real Swiss Alps...!

Getting out of Guilin - it feels a lot more like Vietnam in terms of wealth (or lack thereof) and buildings. I guess we were sort of getting used to the new Chinese middle class of Shanghai and Nanjing - it sort of felt good to get out of the city and experience the "real China".

We made a quick pit stop at a tourist ticket checkpoint - complete with touts selling crap. Both Ant and I decided that we should fork out the 40 extra yuan each to see the Zhuang show and have the possibability of getting married to one of them...

The tour bus made a stop at a Zhuang village and we checked out a few Zhuang houses (complete with all the modern cons including TV - where a little local girl was totally fixated with it). There was also a Zhuang wine distillary - where you could taste their wares if you were feeling like a bout of the plauge. The village was also complete with lots of cute puppies everywhere and pigs. I'm starting to feel like we need to declare this countryside adventure to customs officers when we get pack - or else we might appear on an upcoming episode of "Border Security - Australia's Front Line" (cue dramatic music).

We headed to the Zhuang "show". The Zhuang woman grow their hair out to extraordinary lengths and apparently they hold world records in town hair length records or something. They put on a bit of a show (in Chinese - so it was hard to work out what they were going on about) but it was a bit like Chinese line-dancing. And then Nick, the tour guide, said they wanted two male victims - one western and one chinese - to get married. Ant pushed me to volunteer - and I stewpidly did...

They whisked me out the back and put on some wedding outfit. I also forked out 10 yuan so I could give my "bride-to-be" a wedding present. (I'm such a stingy husband).

We were then whisked back out and plonked next to two veiled wives-to-be. We were then given the opportunity to pick a bride (you couldn't see their faces due to the non-see-throughness of the veils). Mine was about 2 meters shorter than myself - but at least she wasn't hit with the ugly stick.

We then did a traditional wedding dance where a group of woman form a ring around the wedding parties and grab the male arses repeatedly (copping-a-feel). I was surprised that I didn't have welts on my dairy-aire after this humilation.

We then shared a couple of shots of plauge inducing local wine stuff - but doing it in a romantic fashion (eg: drinking it over one another shoulders).

We then had to serenade the bride with a love song. I couldn't think at the time (because of the humilation) so I just spat out some "la la la's" - but on retrospect - I think "Like A Virgin" should have sufficed. After the serenading - we each exchanged our crappy gifts - I gave her a "metal" bracelet whilst she gave me a Zhuang man-bag - ohhh trendy.

Whilst I was upholding the sanctity of marriage with a quick sham marriage with a Zhuang bride - Ant was taking about 100 pictures of everything.

The whole tour group after the wedding - joined in on a dance - where the local women would repeated hit their arses on the people next to them. After the dance - we all left the building - where the women repeatedly pinched all of the tourists' arses on the way out. Kinky bunch.

Hopefully that will be the last I'll see of my "Zhuang bride". I hope I won't see her turning up in Australia saying "we are married - i want paper bbeeetch!". Ant did mention that even though the wedding only cost 10 yuan - the divorce could cost 1000000 yuan!

After the Zhuang Dance / Wedding Mecha-spectactular - we changed to a mini-bus and headed to the village of Ping An. Both Ant and I were getting flashbacks to Peru - whereby our crazy driver was pulling hairpin corners at incredible speeds on the wrong side of the road (right next to the 1km ravine on the side of the road). Was this bus driver's name Elvis as well??

When we arrived safely (incredibly) to Ping An - we walked up the path to the village (which was not vehicle accessable). Again - we were getting flashbacks to that Peruvian village near Puno (you know - that communist village that looked like it was in Europe instead). Plus the locals were into embroidery in a big way...!

Anyway - Nick (the tour guide) headed us to a kick-back cafe in town were we ordered the local delicacy of Bamboo cooked rice. I thought I might go vegetarian - and order the "Fresh Millhroom Soup" but it had more chicken in it than "Millhroom".

Ping An is a Zhuang village set at the top of a ridge in Longji Titian - which is chockful of terraced rice fields (a la Bali). Nick (the tour guide) let us all do our own thing for a couple of hours on the proviso that we all get back to the mini bus by 3pm.

Ant and I headed for one of the two peaks of the village. We have both come to the conclusion that most Chinese seem pretty unfit. Not that they are fat or anything - but they are really slow at walking up stairs or walking in general (I don't think it is just a height thing - more of an unfit thing).

The walking path up to the first peak (called Seven Tigers and Two Moons or something) - was full of local touts trying to sell manbags and bracelets (identical to the ones in my sham marriage). It was however - just so good to get out of the cities and to do this sort thing - soak up the somewhat clean air (well cleaner than Shanghai) and see the extraordinary sites and natural beauty of China.

When we hit the top - we made a bypass away from the "put your photo on a tacky mug" deal to another path which went along the ridges of the rice fields to the other peak. We were the only tourists in sight - and we had only crossed one local on our way to the other peak. Defintely - the path less travelled.

After reaching the other peak (and Ant taking about 1000 photos along the way - I'm so not editing these photos when we get back) and keeping an eye on the time - we ventured down a path leading us to the "Park". After another 10 minutes of walking - and getting a bit anxious about getting back to the bus on time - we then backpeddled to the village - but the village was a little more confusing than the "Park" path. But we soon found our bearings and found the path leading back to the carpark (past all of the thousands of booths selling the same stuff... What is it - I'm going to buy that manbag from the 36th booth on the right?).

Thinking we were going to be the last people back to the bus with 5 minutes to spare - we were in fact the first people back. Damn we are power walkers...

After waiting 20 mins (!) for everyone else to drag themselves back - we were all told to get on a bus (full of another group) - but with a much better driver than Elvis II. He had lots of grey hair - which means that he must be a good driver or something - as he tended to stick to the right hand side of the road - and even tooted at hairpin corners to warn others that we were coming... This guy was a rarity in China.

On the way back to Guilin - most of the Hongkerians had closed their blinds (yet again!). Overall - the tour was well worth it (even if Nick wasn't as great - he sort of did a big talk at the start - but didn't really add to much when we were on the tour).

For dinner - I found a Taiwain "Fast Food" Restaurant - where the soups were almost "Australian Chinese Size" (eg: weren't 10 litres big) so we didn't completely overeat.

I sort of went semi-crazy at a "legit" CD and DVD shop. CDs and DVDs are priced about 22-25 yuan (around $4AUD) and mostly appear to be legit. The fake stuff (which Ant bought a couple of foreign language ones - which I'm a bit worried that they will have engrish subtitles) - were about 15 yuan (or $2.50AUD). When I got back to the hotel to check out the merch - it seemed more legit than the stuff from Wal-Mart! Maybe the Chinese government should crack down on Wal-Mart for piracy...!

(Apologies for the Quentin Tarantino like posts out of order - Blogger.com and this internet cafe is working against me in a big way)

People's Liberation Fun Place of China - Part 15 - Flight to Guilin and Hotel Hell (aka Guilin New Plaza Hotel) - Day 9 and wee hours of Day 10

Our flight from Nanjing to Guilin was OK apart from the Slipnot concert like bumrush to get onto the flight (damn the Chinese like moshpit queues) and the heavy turbelence on a flight on a carrier owned by the Chinese State Government... It was also a moshpit to get out of the flight. There were even people getting out of their seats whilst the plane was still taxiing on the runway. Go China Eastern!

After we successfully got our bags after the flight - Ant got "shanghaied" by some chick on the "Guilin Tourist Information Desk". There were a bunch of American backpackers saying to us "there is no way we were going to get ripped off by those taxi touts so that is why we are booking the shuttle bus for 20 yuan". They were saying this while handing over sweaty wads of yuan for Li River Cruises to a woman at the airport (where everyone knows you get the best bargins - not!).

Meanwhile - the dodgy Tourist Info woman was piling the americans onto a shuttle bus (whilst not dealing with us). 2 minutes later - she returned and asked us about our accommodation. Ant lied and said we had paid for two nights at the New Plaza Hotel (we had only booked for two nights). She said - "your rate is very expensive - I could get you a way better deal!". Ant repeated the lie "we have already paid" and she seemed to cave in. After unsuccessfully trying to get us accommodation - she tried to book us some tours - but Ant got her address instead so we could "get some tours with her in town" (another lie. Baby jesus would be crying now Ant!). After about 6 minutes of this crap - she led us to the "20 yuan" shuttle bus into town. Mind you - it only drops you off at one hotel not at any hotel.

The bus was completely deserted (no driver or passengers). After waiting for about 10 minutes - that crazy woman reappeared stating that this bus was waiting for the next flight into Guilin (due in an hour) and that if we wanted to leave now - we would have to pay extra for a private shuttle into town. We asked her about "the american tourists and weren't we supposed to be on their bus??" but she didn't have a comeback for that. Tired and pished off - I said to Ant - let's not put up with this bulls##t and just catch a taxi. We bothed started walking to the taxi rank when she shouted - "no wait - make it 20 yuan per person for a private" - but screw her - we caught a taxi.

Thirty seconds into the taxi ride - the taxi driver got a phone call on his mobile. He then passed the phone to Ant and said in English - "for you!". Ant answered the phone - it was that crazy woman from the Guilin Tourist Information Desk - apologising for the delay and wanting us to book tours from her. She had progressed from tourist ripping off to stalking. Ant proceeded to hang up the phone.

After an 80 yuan taxi ride (which is under $15 AUD and is pretty good that it is quick - we passed the americans on the way and goes directly to where you want) - we arrived at the New Plaza Hotel.

The lobby was rather dark (minimal lighting) despite still having hoards of staff behind the counter. I proceeded to the lobby toilet (I was busting) whilst Ant attempted to check in. First warning alarm about the New Plaza Hotel - the lobby toilets reeked of urine. In fact - they were probably the worst toilets I've encountered thus far in China (even worse than the squat toilets at the Shanghai Train Station). It smelt like someone had been murdered by urine...and then some. I guess another alarm bell should have been the hotel's location - right opposite the train station - which, as everyone knows, tends to have the most colourful characters of the neighbourhood hanging around till the wee hours (or should that be urine hours?).

After returning from the toilet to the lobby (which also smelt like urine coming from the toilet) - Ant was having problems with the check in. We had booked two nights of accommodation off a chinese website - and they didn't have any information about our booking. They weren't going to offer us the VIP room we had booked but a regular room at the same rate. Great.

To make matters worse - they wanted us to pay in cash as they appeared "credit card challenged". They also wanted us to pay an outrageous room key deposit in cash. Ant made a wise move and said - we only wanted one night not two.After finally getting the key (from the pretty rude front counter desk) - we moved past the urine smelling elevator and caught the elevator with the hotel manager and a suspicious looking girl. The hotel manager got off at floor five and said to us half-heartedly "have a good night sleep". The girl remained with us to floor fourteen.

We all got off the lift and the girl was sort of stumbling to find "her" room and wasn't carrying any luggage. I was a little naive but Ant was fairly sharp in his observation that she was a pro. Klassy with a "k".

To make matters seedier - the floor was almost pitch black with even less lighting than the already-dark lobby. Klassier with a "k".

The room was pretty crud. The bathroom was absolutely covered with mould. It was evident that the hotel maids have never heard of "Exit Mould" spray. In fact - there was so much mould - it was making the whole room smell gross. The TV was broken and there was a condom prominately displayed next to the TV (which made you wonder if this is the sort of hotel you rent out by the hour - wink wink).

You didn't feel save here - the locks on the door were pretty useless and Ant was worried that he was going to be raped by a prostitute during the middle of the night.

There were also complementary hairs in my bed - choice! We were also given twin beds (which seems to be a common occurance this trip!).

We both had the worst night sleep - and were totally committed to get the hell out of this hell hotel the first thing the next morning. New Plaza Hotel at Guilin is definately up there in terms of sh##iest hotels we have stayed at (just behind the Arlington International Guest House in Chicago which not only had complimentary pubic hairs in the bed but also complementary floating pieces of s### in the corridor no thanks to a toilet blockage). We are going to be posting a review of these place (complete with mouldy bathroom pictures) on tripadvisor.com as soon as possible. Aggggggggh!!

People's Republic of Hell Hotels in China - Part 16 - Escape from Hell (Hotel) - Day 10

After having the sh##est night sleep - and Ant having the reoccuring nightmares of being raped by a prostitute - I braved the shower to discover that it had the best water pressure and temperature of any shower we have used in China thus far. You just had to put all the mould out of your brain whilst using it.

We headed downstairs to exploit this hotel as much as we could before checking out permanently (yeah!) - by having a free breakfast. It was actually a chinese breakfast (quasi-yum cha deal) with nothing western in site. We both had half a cup of (pretty much cold) jasmine tea. This seems to be a common occurance throughout China that the tea isn't that hot. We were also treated to a "rice / porridge" concoction which wasn't too bad. At least there were no fish heads in it (a la Japan). The waitress then plonked down a tray full of luke warm noodles and a couple of dessert things (eg: egg tarts). I had a couple of bites of the cold noodles and then tried to kill the tasted with the luke warm egg tarts...

As you probably have guessed from the title of this blog - we had one "aim" for today - escape from Hell Hotel! We went back to our rooms and finished packing.

We headed down for the street (without checking out yet) in an attempt to scope out hotels or find an internet cafe. Guilin is a city with about the same population as Canberra. It is built around tourists (as there are heaps of sites around the city to explore including the Li River) and thus - there are heaps of touts and taxi touts and prostitutes. On first glances - it appears to be a little underdeveloped when compared to Shanghai and Nanjing (but we were staying near the train station - so things a little seedy around there).

After about 15 minutes walking down the main street of Guilin - we came across an internet cafe - which costs about 2 yuan (or 33 Australian cents) per hour - yeah baby yeah. We immediately checked out hotel booking websites and everything seemed reasonable - except we didn't want to go to another 3 star Chinese hotel (a la the Hotel de Hel aka Guilin New Plaza Hotel). Ant checked the Sheraton website - and we booked a standard room for about $80 AUD per night (a five star hotel cheaper than the Forumla One Hotel in Kings Cross Sydney - sweeeet!).

After booking the room - we made our way back to the pits of hell (aka Guilin New Plaza Hotel). I double dared Ant to check out the lobby hotel and smell how bad it was... He did - and confirmed with me that it was the worst toilets in China thus far. We went back to the 14th floor - and our key wouldn't work on the lock. I questioned Ant about the allegeded midday checkout - but he seemed confident about it. We went back to the lobby and tried to get the staff (who didn't really speak any engrish) to reactivate our key. As soon as we got the key reactivated - we grabbed our bags and checked out of the hotel de hell (aka Guilin New Plaza Hotel).

A footnote on the hotel - it was the last hotel we had booked (right on our last night in Australia) - and if you do a search for the place in Google - the pictures make it look alright. It was sort of modernly furnished - but the place was so dive-y and dirrty. The pictures also seem to miss the totally grotty bathrooms. And I don't get it - usually the lobbys for hotels are really classy looking (to draw people in) - but the New Plaza Hotel Guilin was very dark and dusty looking (not to mention that dank urine smell). Just thank gawd we only spent one night in that dank hell hole....

We caught a taxi out the front of the hotel and asked to be taken to the Sheraton (sort of a bit weird - asking for a taxi from a hotel to another hotel). After a quick 10 yuan trip - we arrived at the Sheraton....bliss... almost. The mosh pit crowds were pretty bad at reception. It took us 15 minutes to get served. We gave this rude Chinese woman the death stare (whilst Ant was going - it is sooo rude to push in) when she and her white husband pushed in front of us. Evil chunt!

At least we know where you stay in Guilin - so watch out! Our room was huge - king bed, big room, bathroom sin mould, working TV, no bed hairs! After the really sh## night sleep the night before - I crashed on the bed (after making a couple of dodgy clothed poses for the digital camera - coming to the trip advisor website near you).

Ant was feeling a little more wide awake - so he checked out downtown Guilin. The Sheraton's location was infintely more better than the New Plaza - it was a "stone throw's away" from the People Square and downtown Guilin. Ant alledgedly had McDonalds for lunch (tut tut@!) and after his slight transgression - he came and collected me from the hotel whilst I just had a couple of crazy Asian bakery stuff from a couple fo bakeries (I had to throw away one bun as it had dead rat in it or something horrible).

We were here at Guilin to do a couple of tours - one being the Li River cruise and the other being a tour of nearby rice fields at Longsheng and Ping An. We headed to a nearby tourist agency as the Sheraton tours costed about $100AUD a pop per person - a bit pricey. We entered into a travel agency that had "Li River Tour Cruises" in engrish on their window. Both women in the agency looked bedazzled as we entered the shop. Ant asked them for information on the Li River Cruises - and they both turned to each other in complete awe and wonder. Ant then repeated "Li River Cruises!" and pointed at the "Li River Cruises Ticket Office" sign on the front window. The younger girl finally went "ooohhhh!" then sort of mumbled to us that the tour would be 350 yuan per person and we would have to make our own way to where the boats leave (outside of town). Feeling slightly worried about this - we bailed out of there.

The YHA "Backstreet Youth Hostel" was just around the corner from the Sheraton and we thought - maybe they could book us a tour (even if we weren't staying there). The lady there was extremely helpful and could speak better engrish than the Sheraton front desk chick. She said there were a couple of options with the Li River Cruise - we could go on a chinese cruise for about 300 yuan per person but they could be busy - or we could go on a private motorboat with four people for 1000 yuan (for the boat). We decided that we would go the private motorboat option as it wasn't that more expensive than the tour option if we had to do it alone with two people (eg: 500 yuan each). But the woman said that she would try and find another couple to do the tour with. We also booked the terraced rice field tour for the next day at 180 yuan (pretty cheap - $30AUD). Plus our tours were way cheaper than the ones at the airport that those gullible Americans booked. Looks like the Youth Hostel was a good bet - and it even looked 100 times better than the New Plaza Hotel.

After booking the tours - we headed next door to a cool "Chinese stone statue and furniture shop" (which one of our friends would cream their jeans at this Chinese furniture stuff)... I bought a little (3kg) golden coloured "Good Luck Buddha" for about 15AUD. When I bought it - Ant rubbed my "buddha belly" and the store attendants all laughed - thanks Ant. Ant went a little crazy - he not only bought a rock Buddha head sculpture (which probably weighed more than my fat buddha) but also a Chinese Calligraphy stone thingy mounted on a board (so you can hang it on the wall) which weighed about 7kgs... I'm so not looking forward to carrying this stuff all over the rest of China! Ugggh! We are probably going to go over our China Eastern Domestic Flight Bag Limit - but according to Ant - it will only cost about 90 yuan (or $15AUD) per flight - if his calculations serve him correctly.

After dumping our shopping back at the Sheraton - Ant had spotted a Sushi Train which might be fun for dinner. Upon arrival - the staff (all decked out in traditional Japanese gear) say "Mushi Mushi" to everyone. I know more Japanese than Chinese (Mushi Mushi, Arrigato, Geri, Gero, Chin Chin... well I guess some of these words aren't that appropriate in good company). Although the pickings were slight on the train (no meatball or hamburger sushi like in Japan!) - we had a good time and it only was 70RMB for two people. Although I can't remember when a California Roll consists of fish, prawn and fish eggs??

We headed out beyond the People's Square to the main drag of town where a night market was happening. Something that DK "Didn't Know" about (damn you DK!). There weren't any fake DVDs - but plenty of fake gucci bags, wallets, perfume and the latest craze - Bejing 2008 Olympic knock-offs. We totally understand where Hot Dollar (in the Canberra Centre) and Homebase (in Woden Plaza) get all their cheap, nasty and tacky crap from - Chinese street markets. There were a couple of sweet auctions going off - where an auctioneer was selling ritzy stuff like hair dryers and razors to a massive crowd. Sweeet...

"Marry Christmas" to everyone from Nick and Ant

(from a sign on a bus trip from Yangshuo to Guilin on x-mas day)

Nationalist Democracy of Peoples Liberation China Part 14 - Nanjing Last Day PM Day 9

After the Dr Sun Memorial Muesum - we again walked through the forrest to arrive at the Linggu Pagoda area (another site on our four park wonder pass). The Linggu Pagoda was built in the 1920's and is about 8 stories tall. There is a mad circular staircase (which gives you nausea if you try to do it in one attempt) - with the added "bonus" of some beggar dude who was blocking the staircase at around the fourth floor. Most tourists didn't proceed any further - but Ant and I jumped over him to climb to the top (as you do). The view at the top was great - but smoggy. You could almost make out the Mausoleum in the distance. Damn chinese pollution!

We wandered in the general direction of the Linggu Temple - but when we reached it - it wasn't a part of the super mecha pass and had to pay extra... But we gave it a miss (starting to get sick of Buddhist temples with their money making scams and candle lighting stuff... We stumbled upon a Sino-Japan War Memorial to the dead - which was kind of cool in a communistic mannequin sort of way (with lots of diaoramas of stuff). There was one freakish chinese dude with a streaked haircut who did the whole "Hello" thing to us (you know - when they say "hello" to foriegners and then laugh like idiots). As we walked out of the temple - a group of middle aged men did the same thing. Perhaps if I use the middle finger gesture next time this happens - maybe they might get that...

Outside the memorial were heaps of those disneyland-eqsue trolley buses - so we hopped on one that was going to the general area of the Ming Dynasty Tombs. The trolley buses - though free - came with the added bonus of giving us back pains (no suspension).

According to the Ming Dynsasty Tomb site sign - it is one of the top "40 tourist destinations in China" (a claim that is made to just about everything we go to)... although the tomb is UNECSO heritage listed. This could mean two things - one being good and another being bad (a la Valpariso - see our archive for more details - http://nicknantholidaydiaries.blogspot.com/2005_12_01_nicknantholidaydiaries_archive.html) But thankfully - it was excellent. The tomb was completed in the 1400s for the first Ming emperor - but a lot of the original site has been destroyed (although the government are rebuilding parts of it). Some of the ruins almost had a "Angkor Wat / Machu Pichu" feel to it (eg: old old ruins) and I even got my picture pretending to be a chinese gardener... yes@!

After checking out the tomb - we walked down the Xiao Ling sacred walkway. This walkway contains heaps of stone statues of animals and mythical creatures (horses, elephants, camels, lions, unicorns, etc) - some were supposed to guard the tombs from evil spirits (or something). Keeping track of the time (we had a flight to Guilin to catch) - we managed to score a taxi at the end of the walkway (no repeat of yesterday's "can't find a taxi" fiasco).

We had lunch at that hot beef noodle place at the metro (fantastic - and I didn't choke the food this time) and a quick bubble pearl tea (where I attempted to be tricky and order a "Taro" flavour pearl tea - but failed miserably).

I had finally discovered where all the hip kids of Nanjing hang out - the fire death trap shopping mall that is "Lady Fashion". Lady Fashion was an underground neon-esque labyrinth located at the heart of downtown Nanjing - which had wall to wall clothes shops and trinket stuff. But despite the name "Lady Fashion" - there was also "Metrosexual Asian Men Fashion" too.

Something that had been pishing me off - Lady Fashion had been piping out the boy band "Blue" - who had a few minor hits about 5 years ago... But they must be making some sort of comeback in China cause their music is being played everywhere... Ever that - or China is in a musical timewarp of 10 years (probably the latter is true).

On our way out of Lady Fashion - a young woman was repeatedly getting her head smashed in by a security guard... I think she must have been shoplifting - but if this sort of thing happened in Australia - it would make front page news (or at least on WIN local canberra news).

We grabbed our bags from the hotel where I finally got to check out the Nanjing Massarce Memorial site on some touch screen computer thingy in the lobby - yes! We got the lobby staff to tell the taxi driver where we were headed to (ie: the airport) - but as soon as we pulled out of the hotel driveway - she started to try and ask us questions of where we were going in Chinese. Ant and I looked at her and just shrugged - but after an hour of driving (hellish traffic plus 40km trip equals hour long taxi ride) - we finally reached the Nanjing "International" Airport.

Nanjing Airport has about has much claim as an "International" airport as Canberra does (eg: it probably shouldn't be called an international airport). Most of the international part of the airport had been boarded up in post-zombie outbreak style fashion (eg: hasn't been in use for years probably).

We checked in (thank gawd our dodgy e-tickets from a chinese travel agents work) and had dinner at the dodgy Airport Restaurant (with the whole 40 staff per customer deal happening). Everything was rather overpriced and we didn't quite get what we thought we ordered deal happening. Plus when we wanted them to open the drinks - they went into Fawlty Towers mode and couldn't cope.

At the gate (which was hella busy) - they were playing that horrible French-Canadian show "Just for Laughs" (ie: people play pranks on unsuspecting strangers)... Those who find this show funny do not have a sense of humour - French Canadians find it funny and so too - do most Chinese. This may explain the humour behind saying "hello" to foriegners then laughing... Hillarious!

So to sum up Nanjing - the total lack of foriegn tourists, and no touts or hardly any beggars was a big plus. (Someone should write to one of the editors of "Times Out" in Shanghai - who was complaining that she gets harrassed by touts and beggars all the time - she should move to Nanjing!). Nanjing is a big sprawling city whereby taxi is a good means of getting around (including cheap means). There are terrific tourist attractions (our last day around Purple Moutnain was probably my highlight) and there is heaps of history (eg: Nationalist capital - and the nationalists were the ones who went on to founding Taiwain) and it is great that the communists have left it pretty much the way it is. You totally get the feeling that Nanjing is off the tourist beaten track although "Western" progress in Nanjing is fairly rapid. Nanjing has a great traffic system (with traffic and pedestrian lights that count down) - so you can't go wrong!

Flowing Water Against The Dyke and Endless Greenness China - Part 13 - Nanjing Day 9

Our last day in Nanjing - and some more crappy CNN to awake to. God the CNN ads are pishing us off... IF I SEE ANOTHER PROMO FOR "AFTER JESUS - THE FIRST CHRISTIANS" I WILL WRITE NASTY LETTERS TO WHOEVER OWNS THIS CRAPPY NETWORK... I can pretty much recite the sound grabs from this ad "It's all about power. It was the first revolution."... agghhh! Also the Indian Elephant Polo ads are giving me the runs.

We check out from the hotel in Nanjing - for which we had a pleasant stay. The staff were nicer here than in Shanghai (damn that front entrance door opening dude in Shanghai who sounded like Frankenstien's and Johnny Cash's bastard love child - "Gooodha Morrnnis Suiuur").

Ant did a bit of quick expensivo internet stuff (wanted to check his bank balance but not at sleasy internet cafe). This was 2 Yuan for 2 minutes (30cents Australian - expensive people!).

We walked to Deji Plaza to "Bread Talk" yet another crazy Asian bakery places. After managing to get stuff that didn't have bits of BBQ fish in the middle - I ordered my first coffee (sort of expensive at $5AUD a pop). It was OK - but she kept giving me all these cups (thinking I was going to share a small cup of coffee with Ant or something). Strangeness...

To hell with walking and the environment - we caught a taxi directly to the Dr Sun Yat Sen Mausoleum (situated in the Purple Mountain). $2.50 AUD for a 20min ride rocks. A quick history lesson or something - Dr Sun led the Nationalist Movement against the Qing Dynasty or something. And he has a pretty kick arse mausoleum in his honour. It is set into the mountain and has a 1km (well it felt like it) corriodor leading up to the crypt... There was also about 20000 stairs as well so it was a bit of exercise getting there.

Entering the Mausoleum area was a bit like Disneyland or the Gold Coast - we bought the "4 park wonder pass" which gave us entry into multiple things including the Mausoleum. There were heaps of little train like people movers everywhere and lots of touts selling stewpid cicarda things that make horrible noises (must be the lastest thing that will hit Clints and Hot Dollar this xmas). The Mausoleum was packed full of tourists - but no western ones. We have sort of come to the conclusion that Western people don't live in or visit Nanjing - which is a bit of a mystery considering all the sites and history in the place...

After the packed Mausoleum - we wandered (through a forrest) to the next thing on our tickets - the Dr Sun memorial museum... which was dead quiet. It was an interesting little muesum with a great chinglish moment "Sick to death, Dr Sun signed his will on March 11, 1925". I'd be sick to death too - signing all that paperwork associated with wills... Also of interest - Ant managed to unlock the inner "hacker" in him - and hacked two computers. On one - we played "Mindsweeper" and on the other - we turned it off... Watch out Pentagon mainframe computers! Anyway - I've run out of time at this sleasy internet cafe - stayed tuned for Day 9 continued... Yeaeeeah!

Super Power Democracy of China - Part 12 - Day 8 PM

After the Lake Park walk - we trekked up to the foot of the Purple Mountain (aka Purple Gold Mountain aka Zijin Shan) which apparently - got its name from its purple coloured rocks. We caught the somewhat shonky looking chairlift to the top summit. However - we managed to survive the ordeal.

At the top was pretty much nothing apart from a rip off kiosk complete with stale corn, a monk thingy (which we passed on because it was going to set us back $2AUD) and a lot of out of control yooths (I pronunce "youths" as yooths) attempting to do Chinese Idol at the top. There was also a crazy middle aged woman who was doing some J-Lo arse shaking dancing at the top too... Maybe it was a sexy form of tai-chi?

We had a crazy idea that you could perhaps catch the chairlift to the top and walk down to the bottom whilst visiting a couple of mausoleum and temples and stuff - but we were dead wrong. Purple Mountain was huge and it would have taken us 8 weeks to walk everywhere there. So we caught the shonky chairlift back down to the summit. My favourite bit of chinglish on the lift was "Bus stop of the Astronomical Observatory is ahead."

As Ant was feeling somewhat unwell (due to a bakery breakfast) and it was getting late in the day - we decided to walk away from the direction back to town... It was quite a scenic walk (lots of bamboo and quaint bridges and enough wooden walkways to bring down the Amazon Rainforest) - but Ant was continuing to feel worse and worse. Plus we were losing daylight.

After about 45 mins of walking - we decided to call it quits and try and hail down a taxi. But unfortunately - all of the taxis going past us were all taken. The only sure fire way to hail a taxi was for us to walk the 45 mins back to the foot of the chair lift.

We arrived to the chair lift as soon as someone was getting out of a cab - and we grabbed it. To our horror (or surprise) - a 15 min taxi ride from the chair lift to downtown Nanjing only cost around $2AUD. To think we were walking around like idiots the day before when we could live like rich beeatches and drive around in taxis instead....!

As Ant was sick - and I needed to catch up on some blogging (I was only doing Shanghai by this stage) - Ant stayed at the hotel and I went (directly) to the sleasy internet cafe.

On the way home - I was feeling a little peckish. Why not keep my downwards spiral of delicacies going and have a Mc Donald's Sundae on the way home. To conceal my shame - I ate the Sundae in the McDonald's below our hotel in the restaurant - so that Ant wouldn't know. But I fessed up 10 minutes later to Ant... The shame...

Keeping with the theme of downwards spirals of food - we headed back to Deji Plaza in an attempt to eat what was denied the night before - pizza slut!

I'm not sure if this is a Chinese thing - but they always sit Westerners at the front of restaurants. This happened at Taco Bell Grande and this also was the case at Pizza Slut. But you feel like a total retard sitting out the front for everyone to stare at you - especially at Pizza Slut.

It costs about 170 RMB (almost $30AUD) for 2 pizzas, some sort of asian-fusion garlic bread-esque bread and three beers (about the beers - I was getting depressed that we couldn't find any alcoholic drinks on the menu - "I did not want to go to Pizza Hut sober" - but alas - we weren't looking at the right menu).

The service was a little crazy - they seemed to keep bringing pizzas to our table even though we didn't order (keep those fat westerners fat dammit). Also - they seemed to have a migrane when I ordered a second beer. The two girls servicing us would bicker all the time at each other - maybe it was something to do with the "Customer Mania" badges they were wearing.

After the shame of Pizza Slut - we decided that we needed another American Capitalist Scum experience - so we headed for Wal-Mart. Neither Ant or I have ever been to a Wal-Mart before - so where better than Nanjing, China?!

Wal-Mart is basically a Woolworths with a Big-W attached (Big-W eerirely looks like Wal-Mart - scary). So it is full of lots of cheap crap that is 10 Jiao (aka 1/60th of one Australian Dollar) cheaper than elsewhere. I might have gone a little crazy at the "legit" CD and DVD section - where you could buy stuff for about $5 each. I even picked up a copy of a Song Tribute to Chairman Mao DVD - which should be gold with songs of praise for Chairman Mao. I just hope it has engrish subtitles... I think it cost me $2AUD. Sweeeet.

Mao's Democratic Republic of China - Part 11 - Nanjing - Day 8 AM

After our big day yesterday of walking and walking and checking out closed tourist sites and walking - we slept in till 9am (pretty good for us). There was incredibly an interesting story on CNN about the "biggest shopping mall in the world" in China which was a bit of a disaster. There are heaps of vacancies as retail space supply seems to totally outstrip demand... Perhaps this could explain why Deji Plaza is like a "Ghost Mall"...? The shops in Deji Plaza are quite ritzy - but there weren't a lot of ritzy looking places for people to live in Nanjing... so the mind boggles! After tearing away Ant from watching "American Pie - Band Camp" - we wandered over to the Deji Plaza area to another bakery in an attempt to get some more healthy breakfast. Unfortunately - the bakery we picked was just about as greasy and sugary as the cake shop from yesterday - which yet again made Ant feel sick for the rest of the day...

We caught a metro ride to the Xuanwu Lake Park. The Lake Park was quite scenic - but strangely enough - you have to pay to get in. But unlike Vietnam (where only Westerners pay and Vietnamese get in for free) - everyone has to pay so you don't feel like you are getting totally ripped off.

I think the entry fee was more than worth it just to check out the "Children Park" and the "Theme Park" on a couple of the islands. They were very communistic - and clapped out looking. I'm sure Disney would probably sue with the unlicensed use of Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse and the Eddie Murphy Haunted Mansion movie. The rollercoaster was incredibly clapped out looking - and it even goes up side down. I'm all for extreme scary rides - but I'm not really into the sort which are maintained by the Chinese Communist Party and could be fatal. Some excellent chinglish on the "death" coaster was "An Abyss of Despair. Dare you come on!!". Couldn't say it better really.

There were heaps of bad chinglish signs all over the park - another favourite was "we can hear the waves beating against the dyke and are greated with endless greenness".

We even walked past a few wedding photo sessions - with the bride and groom decked out in white (both of them).

One of the best things about the park was that there was no traffic - so you didn't run the risk of getting mowed down by a murderous motorbike rider or bus. The lake was nice to look at - but in Lake Burley Griffin style - it wasn't so nice close up (algae and pollution)... Plus it smelt a bit woofy in parts.

Day 8 to be continued... oooh awwwh....

Unkie Mao's Super Republican State of China - Part 10 - Nanjing - Day 7

Another day - another dose of Chinese TV - although this time we decide to semi watch Dr No. on HBO (or something)... And why not a bit of fun super happy time laundry too...!

For breakfast - we hit a nearby "cake" shop - where just about everything is packed full of sugar. Ant ordered what he thought was a french baguette - but was in fact filled to the brim of whipped cream... Yumo... Surprise surprise - Ant gets integestion yet again... :-(

We made tracks for a tourist site which wasn't in DK (thank you again DK! This is the last time we will ever take you on a OS holiday... We will christen the guide "Don't Know") - the former nationalist Presidential Palace. As I think I did a history lesson in the last blog - just a quick recap of history things in China - there was a Nationalist Revolutionary movement which overthrew the Qing Dynasty (last of the dynasties) and this was there former presidential palace. Ant and I were getting flashbacks to the South Vietnamese Presidential Palace in Uncle Ho Chi Ming City... There were heaps of similarities between the two (eg: former presidential palace, tacky decor of the time still in place, etc) - but the Chinese version had several lush Chinese gardens and water features. Ant thought that the muesum bits were "fairly balanced" but there were some propaganda moments (including photos of the "disgruntled priests" and the "happy peasants" - wouldn't you be happy too if you were a peasant in Communist China??)... It was well worth the visit - and we aren't really sure why DK didn't cover it...

For lunch - we headed down to Deji Plaza (you must excuse me but most references to Deji Plaza aren't to the Ghost Mall plaza itself but just the general area of downtown... I can't remember the real name nor am I bothered enough to look at the map to find out the real name... but I like the name Deji Plaza and I like saying it as well... Deji...). We had spotted a "hole in the wall" restaurant which had parts of the menu translated into engrish. We ordered a couple of hot beef noodle soups - and they were kick arse! It was fresh, tasty and spicy and it only cost 7 Yuan (a tad over 1 AUD).

After lunch we trekked (and I mean bush hike trek) to the Nanjing Massarce Memorial. Another quick history lesson - back in the Sino-Japan war (eg: China V. Japan) - the Japanese raped, pillered and murdered the locals at Nanjing - and it was thought that about 400 thousand Chinese died in the event... hence the Nanjing Massarce Memorial peoples! Nanjing is a very spread out city - and what looks like a quick stroll on the map may in fact be 4 miles in length - and that's what it felt like walking over there. To make matters worse - when we got close to the Memorial - the area was a massive construction site (a new metro line is being built)... so we got lost and wandered down a "City of God" like town which was pretty poor looking. Oddly enough - the Sheraton was located near here (divesville)...? Speaking of the Sheraton - we got attacked by an old woman beggar who was pulling at the sides of my jumper for some change. Both Ant and I kept moving but I think she managed to steal my used ticket to the Presidential Palace - that bitch!

So after a few wrong turns and a walk down the street of the "City of God" - we reached the memorial - and it was totally shut. Probably something to do with the metro construction next door... We weren't the only idiots hanging around - there were Chinese tourists getting dropped off by taxi to the site - only to find it was closed. To make the best out of the situtation - I took a couple of photos over the fence...

We wandered back into town (just a 1 hour walk) and checked out the Zhonghua Gate - which dates back to the first Ming emperor. It was a fairly impressive site (although only the walls remain, whilst all the houses were reconstructed) - but we couldn't understand the statues of these giant size Chinese warriors everywhere??! They were twice the size of Ant and I put together - so it is a bit unbelievable that a Chinese guy back in the 1300's was that tall..! There were also a couple of propaganda museums with bad chinglish - which adds to the experience.

We caught the metro back to the hotel and striked up a conversation with a local on the train - who was happily giving us local Nanjing tourist suggestions (but was defintely not a tout).

Back at the hotel and Part 82 of the Yangzee River Documentary on CCTV9 continues. I can't wait for them to bring it to SBS... not.

After discovering several internet cafes the day before, and not having any internet in Shanghai - we both decided to try and re-find the less sleasy looking internet cafe. Unfortunately - I decided to take charge of what direction we were going - and we got horribly lost. In fact - I think we had to do a 3 km loop because of my lack of directional skills.

After an hour - we finally "found" the road that the less sleasy internet page was on - so we headed down it. After walking for another kilometer and a half - we thought - "We are never going to find it". Perhaps the internet cafe had been demolished overnight because there was a lot of construction work going on.

I told Ant that I had remembered where the sleasy looking cafes were - so we walked down the main road for another 25 minutes. After almost giving up - we finally found it - a smoky internet gaming cafe which was pretty sleasy... but cheap! Only $1AUD for about 2 hours... yeah baby yeah...

After blogging for way too long (but I had to catch up - otherwise I might forget) - we left the internet cafe around 9:45pm. Because of the time and because restaurants don't stay open too late here in China - we thought had better make tracks pronto to Deji Plaza for dinner. To our despair - everything was shutting. In desperation - we entered (....) Pizza Slut but were refused entry as they were closing. In total desperation - we went to the Golden Arches across the street (thus begins our downwards slide with food). I had ordered a not so hot (in terms of spicy and temperature) chicken burger with some tepid chips and full strength coke (they don't believe in diet over here) and was sh##... but desperate times calls for desperate measures.

When we got to back to the hotel - we found another bond film - this time - a stewpid Roger Moore one with sharks... Time for bed after walking 12 kms today...

People's Happy Fun State of China - Part 9 - Travellin' to Nanjing - Day 6

The train to Nanjing was truely bizzare. Despite us getting soft seats (aka Rich Beetach seats) - there were people standing up in the carriage for pretty much the whole trip... I had felt really sorry for the girl sitting in front of me who had some rude old bastard sit on her arm rest for the whole trip. He gradually took up about half of her seat, whilst she was forced to lie down on her tray rest.

Travelling to Nanjing on train through the "country side" explains China's really bad pollution problem. There are factories and power plants spewing out crap just about everywhere. It gives the sky a nice grey glow.... or something... (cough cough splutter cough)

Nanjing (for those not in the know) is about 3 hours west by train from Shanghai. It was a former "capital" of China before the CCP got into power in the late 1940s, and a capital in the Ming Dynasty or something.... It is also the capital of the Jiangsu Province or something... There endeth the lessoneth or something...

We arrived at Nanjing Station to a attack of touts - although these ones were somewhat useful - brandishing maps (something that DK is lacking)... We soon discovered that Nanjing has a underground system (something else that was missing in DK's detail) and that a metro stop was right next door to our hotel. Yeah baby yeah...

But to give credit or dues to DK where they could be given - the subway was brand spanking new. It had that new car smell all over. There were even these funky plastic tokens which you use in the barriers. Sweet plastic tokens...

We had a couple of problems trying to locate the hotel - but soon realised that the hotel entrance was in a courtyard (not visible from the street) - why of course! We managed to score some deluxe room upgrade and our room was on the 14th floor (at the top) - and had kick arse views of the downtown area.

Feeling a bit hungry - we wandered down the main street and stumbled across Deji Plaza - a brand spanking new mall... Upon entrance - it was pretty much devoid of any customers - hence we dub Deji Plaza - the "Ghost Mall".

We found a ritzy looking restaurant at the top of Deji Plaza (which was also devoid of any customers and the size of the Canberra Centre) - and managed to get hold of a english menu (bonus!)... What we soon discovered was that Nanjing was a bit cheaper than Shanghai - with a ritzy Chinese restaurant costing about half of one in Shanghai. Cool...

We had ordered two beers - but didn't realise that they only come in long necks - so we were slightly pished at the end of lunch.

After lunch - we wandered down on the street for a while. Nanjing was a lot more like China than Shanghai (or what we could remember of Bejing). There were a lot less convinence stores and more internet cafes (well three - but it is better than Shanghai)... We walked and then walked some more - it was becoming evident that Nanjing was a lot more spread out than Nanjing. There were less taller buildings and more room here - but still the same old smog.

We had a snooze at the hotel (we got up at 6am dammit! give us a break)... After waking up around 9pm - we decided that maybe we should get something small for dinner and so we wandered back in the general direction of downtown and the Deji Plaza.

We stumbled across a basement food court and chose to eat at a Hong Kong fast food place - where we ordered a couple of set menus with curried meat, potato, rice, soup and egg for RMB 18 (or $3AUD). The girls who were serving us were very gigglish and after our meal, requested to take their picture with us with their mobile phone. The guy (who could speak english) said that they all come from rural china (so we may be their first foriegners they have seen). So Ant and I posed with all three girls and every combination you could think of...

Speaking of foriegners - it has been something that has driven me crazy here... Staring... People stare at you for really long periods (especially old people). People stare at you in lifts, at internet cafes - everywhere and for extended periods of time. I have seen old guys stop on the street and stare at you for about 1 minute... I wish I knew how to say "What are you staring at, stare bear?!?" in Chinese but I can't so I pretend that I don't notice it... According to DK - it is a old chinese habit - and foriegners have only been allowed into the country since the 80's - so that could go some way in explaining this...

People's Capitalist Monachy of Republican China - Part 8 - Farewell Shanghai - Day 6

A crack of dawn start for the two of us - as we had 9am train tickets to Nanjing...

Finally! Hot water... Our Ting Tong hotel had been a bit lacking in terms of pressure and hot water. All of our other showers have been tepid and weak in terms of pressure... Today - it was hot and weak in terms of pressure (1 out of 2 ain't bad)... Must be because we are up at the crack of dawn instead of fluffing about watching crap TV in bed...

We decided not to risk the mosh pit that is "People's Square Metro Station" in peak hour - so we called for a taxi... It was only 16 RMB for a 15 min trip to the Shanghai Central Station (about AUD$2.60)... Yeah baby yeah...

The Shanghai station is huge, busy and somewhat chaotic whilst being very ordered (if that makes any sense)... All passengers need to wait in a "holding area" before their train is announced - then they all move downstairs to the actual platforms (sort of like an airport) - but the chaotic element comes from the huge number of people who arrive late for their trains. The train before ours had about 100 people running at full speed to the check in area - whilst this woman dressed up like a SS Officer was screaming at them all in Chinese (probably threating to close the gate or something)... It was fairly amusing.

For breakfast - we both had a few stale trainstation crossiants and stuff. What is it with Shanghai and stale crossiants...?!

So to sum up Shanghai. It is a very ecletic Asian city (feels like a fusion of heaps of places like Singapore, Hong Kong, Hanoi and Tokyo) and it is changing rapidly. There is so much construction going on - it makes Australia look downright pathetic (especially if there is more office construction in Canberra than Sydney at the moment)... Shanghai is also interestingly becoming a stop-over destination for people travelling from Australia to the States or Europe. It is increasingly becoming very modern and there seems to be a large ex-pat community here (as Shanghai is the financial hub of China).

One thing that both Ant and I fail to understand is why Christmas is so big here?? Shanghaians (or shangians) are the biggest x-mas freaks I have ever seen - santa is everywhere, carols are everywhere - I think they understand the true spirit of christmas - retail...

Another odd thing is that there has been a complete void of internet cafes in Shanghai. According to our not so trusty guidebook - DK - internet cafes are supposed to be plentiful in China - but we couldn't find anything to save our lives (hence this is all a few days old)... Damn DK - damn you to hell....! Aggghhh

Democratic People's Republic of Communist China - Part 7 - Shanghai Day 5

Another day - another painful morning session of crap chinese TV. Today - there was some crazy "Chinese Language" show on CCTV 9 (English station) - with a white girl and a chinese girl talking about how wonderful the Oriental Pearl TV Tower is. The Chinese girl said "the Oriental Pearl TV is the pearl of the yangzee" and the white girl said "Now I know why they call Shanghai the Paris of the Orient"... Gawd - you probably need to be some blind guy from the 1960s to think that the Pearl TV Tower is all that - and if I hear somewhere is the Paris of the something I'm going to puke... I've already been to the Paris of the East (Hanoi), the Paris of the South (Buenos Aires) and the Paris of the Paris (Paris) - and I've sort of heard that Melbourne is the Paris of something (no way jose!)...

Anyhow - we got up and organised some train tickets to our next destination - Nanjing. We were feeling lazy (and thought we could afford the 20RMB service fee aka $3.20 AUD) - so we got the hotel to book some tickets for tomorrow.

Getting a bit tired of our local stale bakery - we decided to venture to the more upmarket "Bread Talk" on Nanjing Lu. Bread Talk fortunately (or unfortunately) translates everything into English - so it takes the guessing game out of the Asian Bakery deal... That said - I decide to play it somewhat riske and order a "sweet potato earth roll" which wasn't too bad...

We made tracks to the Shanghai Museum of Contemporary Art near the People's Square. It was really small (really small) but it had a interesting painted BMW car collection (well - I found it interesting but Ant didn't). Ant bought a Piere and Jules photo collection (not sure if I got it right but all of the photos look like a village people video).

We wandered back to the French Concession (well you know what they say - all roads lead to the French Concession) so we could check out the "Site of the First National Congress of the Chinese Communist Party". It was a small museum dedicated to the establishment of the "First National Congress of the Chinese Communist Party" and it was also the site of the "First National Congress of the Chinese Communist Party". The muesum was interested as it had a short bio of all those who attended - most of which either became trators and were murdered or were just plain murdered... The gift shop was full of communist kitsch gifts - but strangely enough - we didn't buy anything.

As we were in the area - and we had Communism on our minds - we headed off to the "Short Flag" shop which houses a collection of communist themed t-shirts and stuff... I bought an AK47 t-shirt (one for wearing on the plane) and a Little Red Book shirt whilst Ant went crazy and bought three t-shirts (including a shiny Mao shirt) and a book... Ahoy comrades!

We made a quick pit stop at a cafe called "Curry House" (which I don't think is affilated with the ones in the Canberra Centre) for some curried slop... It's this whole Chinese quasi-exotic food thing which something gets lost in the translation in a big way... We were sitting next two a "sealed room" where some old dude was "opening a can of whoop-a$$" on a poor girl - but it could have just been a casual chat for all we know.

Ant got the added bonus of integestion from Curry House so we had to take it easy and walked in the direction of the nearest metro. There was also a Buddist Temple close to the metro so we decided that we should kill two birds with one stone.

On the way - there was a "Adult Health Shop". Unlike Western sex shops (which are usually boarded up or in a basement so you can't see the wares from the street) - this "Adult Health Shop" had big windows at street level so anyone could see the rubberised women downstairs bits...

When we got to the metro/temple - Ant was feeling rather crook - so I went instead to the temple whilst Ant waited around outside. Inside the temple - there were heaps of people lighting candles and burning stuff - but I found it rather confusing and wasn't sure what was and wasn't on limits to the public.

We had a bit of a rest at the hotel - where I finally understand the references to "Vote for Pedro" after watching Napolean Dynamite.

After the rest - Ant had a crazy idea for dinner - Taco Bell Grande... which I also decided would be OK. (not sure if we were on drugs at this point!). Taco Bell Grande was a sit down version of Taco Bell (sort of like the old school Pizza Slut Restaurants) - and is also part of the KFC/Pizza Slut conglomerate of Yum Restaurants... All the staff looked kinda wierd - Chinese girls wearing big sombreos - making maragritas... At $5AUD a pop - I had 2 maragritas - and they weren't the slushy machine variety but the dinky-di cocktail variety... It beats the Montezuma Maragritas from Canberra (which according to their menu - they have the second best Maragritas in the world)... So according to the Montezuma Menu's logic - Taco Bell Grande in Shanghai have the best Maragritas in the world.

How better to top off a Taco Bell Grande experience then to go to a Big Echo and do Karaoke Box until your throat bleeds! The song selection at Big Echo was pretty bad and strange (when you think of "Dead or Alive" you think of "You Spin Me Right Round" - but it had some strange song instead that you have never heard of...) but they did have a english screen to make navigation and song selection somewhat easier. Highlights of the night included "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-lot, "Believe" by Cher (shudder), "All I want to do is make love to you" by Heart, "Blaze of Glory" by Jon Bon Jovi and alternative lyric version of "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls (just get the Jeffree Star version of Don't Cha off Limewire and you know what I'm talking about).

Democratic People's Republic of Communist China - Part 6 - Shanghai Day 4

Woke up - watched some crappy CNN in the hotel room. What's up with CNN - and what's with all the Oz news rejects getting jobs at CNN like Hugh Rimmingbum?! And what's with the same old news and the horrible non-stop CNN ads about itself and freakin Larry King Live. And who likes Larry King? What a stewpid old dinosaur fart. And what's with that stewpid woman with the horrible mutalated american accent who works in Hong Kong with Hugh Rimmingbum? I would rather drink battery acid than listen to her grating voice. And the stewpid weather people making flipant comments about the crazy weather - why don't you watch An Inconvinent Truth or something... And the worst thing about CNN is that stewpid Richard Quest a$$hole... He is like Britain's version of David Koch without a sense of humour. Although BBC World is slightly more tolerable than CNN - its been banned in China - so CNN is it (either CNN or CCTV 9 news)... Despite all this centralised news bizo in China - I can still access any foreign news service on the net (including ninemsn, abc.net.au/news, etc) - ohh the irony...

As we got out of the hotel - it was a smog free day... as the weather was really windy and must of moved all of the smog over to Hong Kong or something. No smog and lots of wind did mean that the weather was pretty intolerable. It was bitterly cold (felt like Madrid coldness rather than a mildish Canberra coldness) and we were both completely underdressed.

Instead of the bakery thing for breakfast - we ventured over to the Yu Gardens and Bazaar for some "world famous" dumplings (well - world famous according to Lochie Daddo on Qantas TV - and it seems to be popular with the locals too)...

Instead of bringing LP along with us - we brought a China DK guidebook - big mistake. Although DK is pretty and has lots of pretty pictures of tourist sites and crosssections (oooh cross sections) - it is pretty void on any practical information (eg: where to eat, maps, internet, transportation, I could go on and on)...

DK reared its ugly head when we got to the Yu Bazaar for our dumplings - as we wandered around the bitterly cold area with no idea where it was. After about 20 minutes of wandering - we came across the "world famous dumpling restaurant" (knew it was it no thanks to Lochie Daddo's segment on the Qantas Inflight TV show). According to Lochie - you may have to queue up to an hour and a half to get some dumplings and that you should order two lots (to make it worth while)... However the bitter cold wind put a dampner on the queues and we only had to wait 15 minutes... The dumplings (made out of pork and crab) were fantastic - but one serving could have sufficed. Ant got more integestion from them (eating too quickly) and we had to take it easy.

Our next stop was the Huxingting Teahouse in the Bazaar which is right next to the zig-zag bridge. Although the bridge protects the teahouse from evil spirits with its structure - it is pretty unpractical with the Shanghai mosh pits crowds.

The Teahouse is well worth it - it costs 40 RMB per person and we got a selection of Oblong tea (not sure of the spelling), Jasmine and Lychee tea. The traditional tea cermony was very elaborate (lots of water pouring everywhere) and you get your own girl (to pour the tea of course!). We wish we could bring some of this tea back with us to Australia but no thanks to the Steve Irwin advertisments - we can't... :-(

We made our way to the Yu Gardens - which is dated back to the Ming Dynasty. It was peaceful and there was heaps of rock gardens and dragon stuff. My favourite was the "Mildness Hall" - mmmm... mild... We took shelter from the cold cold weather in the "Shanghai Collection (tourist trap)" by hovering around their kick-arse heaters.

Because it was so cold - (so hella cold) and Ant was suffering from some integestion from the dumplings - we had a bit of a midday rest back at the hotel. After about 2 hours - when Ant was feeling better - we went back to the French Concession area. But unknown to me - Ant's motive to go back to the area was to try and track down the Shirt Flag T-Shirt shop (Communist T Shirt Shop) - only to find it was closed (after a 45 min walk dammit!)...

Like lemmings or rabbits in the headlight - we wandered back to the Mosh Pit Mall from yesterday - but the crowds were a lot more bearable... But to make matters worse for Ant (after the t-shirt shop being closed) - I bought a new watch (legit one! from a department store)... Ant was feeling a little jealous (that I had retail therapy rather than him) - so he went bonkers in a shop called Eno which sold lots of t-shirts...

Walking back to town from the French Concession was fairly ritzy and cosmopolitian... There was heaps of small shop strips (a la Paddington in Sydney).

After mulling over dinner for a little while - we settled on a Thai restaurant - which sort of looked fairly ritzy with live "Thai entertainment" and Chinese waitresses dressed like Thai women... The thai food - when it arrived - was more "Chinese" than "Thai". One of the dishes felt like they added cashew nuts and chilli to a Chinese dish... Don't realise how good we have it in Australia when it comes to Thai food. It helps when you have actual thais cook thai food! The Thai entertainment sort of got strange when a very effeminate Chinese guy started to do karaoke out the front. Speaking of which - it seems most guys in Shanghai have had a masculinity bypass... But that is common in Japan and Rome as well... Everyone reminds us of the gay Xander character on the TV show Drawn Together ("I'm on a never ending quest to save my girlfriend"). In a sort of semi drunk state (we had a couple of local brews at the thai restaurant) - Ant bought a couple of more 50c beers at the "7-11" nearby our hotel - and we drank it in the hotel room before bed time... Klassy with a "K"..