Homeward Bound III - Homeward Bound with a Vengeance - Part 32

Our trip to the airport after Kip and Dan's apartment was slightly scary. We weren't doing our whole normal "let's get to the airport really early" thing - and we were taking the "Airport Express" toll road which wasn't so "Express". There was bumper to bumper traffic for a while - and Ant was starting to pee his pants. However - all of the traffic got out on the exit before the toll booth - and we were on our speedy way to the airport.

On arrival to Beijing Airport - it was sort of strange... You enter into customs straight away (even before you check in). And no... I didn't tick on the box saying "You are importing things of immoral nature that can do immoral harm to the People's Republic of China"... Unless you call a couple of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake CDs immoral??? More tacky than immoral...

Ant and I did the whole "Qantas Club" Business queue check in - but we were getting somewhat worried about an angry American couple trying to check in on Qantas with excess luggage. Ant and I had four bags with us (2 new) and about 80 carry on items. Ant was doing his dandiest to be nice to the Check-in woman - and it seemed to pay off. What I mean by "pay off" is that we didn't have to "pay" for any excess luggage - despite being 14kg over or something... It was pretty amazing that we had 64+kgs between the two of us (this is not even counting the whole 80 pieces of carry on luggage - which was sooo damn heavy).

We both went to some slut lounge (what I mean by slut is that this lounge whore's itself out to heaps of different airlines including Qantas). Although the decor was worse than the Qantas Club - the drinks and food was way better (all you really care about in a airport lounge). I had some noodles - and Ant got into lots of fried bits of finger food and stuff.

Our flight to Sydney was on time (yeah) and once on board - Ant started befriending the flight attendant (usual story - as I'm quiet on board - and Ant's about an 11 - needs to be about a 2). Anyway - the flight attendant picks up that Ant is a "airline geek" - which he admits it. First step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem... The flight was OK - although my video-on-demand seemed to be more of a "crashing computer on demand". The stewpid thing rebooted itself about 15 times during the flight. It was a bit of a bummer as all of the moofies were the same from December on our way to China... I saw a spanish language movie called "Love's A Bitch" which was pretty cool - and started to watch a couple of movies including Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (what was I thinking??!) but only sort of semi-watched about 30mins-1hr of each as they were all sh##ing me to tears.

Ant sort of got a bit of enjoyment from the flight attendants bitching about one another "...Oh he is so no dedicated...!", etc etc. Apparently - all of the flight crew were of the domestic kind (cheaper than international crew)... Good old Qantas..!

It was a bit bizarre landing in Sydney as we were sitting at the gate (still on the plane) for about 20 minutes. According to the Cabin Crew - Quarantine weren't letting us off the flight. Ant sort of heard in on some flight crew talking - and apparently there was someone really sick in Business Class and I guess Quarantine were a bit jittery about Bird Flu and the like...

On arrival to Sydney airport - I got "interviewed" by a Customs "Bitch" (CB) at the luggage carousel. I was hanging around for Ant to get our "oversized bag" when out of the blue the CB started asking me all of these detailed questions "What flight were you on? Where have you been? What country did you go to? Did you have any organised tour? Did you book everything yourself? Who did you travel with? Can I see your passport? Have you got a copy of your itinerary? Where do you work? What do you do?" Damn! Luckily I had been paying attention during the trip otherwise I might not have passed this "interview"! She wanted to see our "itinerary" - but Ant and I sort of chuck the itinerary as we progress further and further in our holiday (eg: chuck out hotel bookings, etc once you have done them).... Opps! I had thought I was going to appear on an upcoming episode of Border Security - Australia's Front Line... Luckily - she sort of just disappeared after a while and left Ant and I alone.

Out of the blue - the befriended Qantas woman (on our flight) asks us if we had left a piece of luggage on the flight. She hands over one of Ant's 40 carry on bags... Hey - it pays off to befriend the flight crew!

No thanks to Qantas cancelling most of the flights to Canberra - we had to stick around at Sydney Airport for 5 and a half hours for the next flight. Congrats Qantas - Shout out to Qantas - I Heart Qantas... not! I had received a phone call from Qantas saying "we realise you have a 5 and a half hour wait in Sydney - how about if I put you on a flight to Melbourne from Sydney, then to Canberra - that will arrive 10 minutes later. Do you want to do that instead?" Err.. no thanks.

Anyway - to make the best out of a bad Qantas situation - I used most of the time to catch up on the blog. Thankfully the Taiwanese earthquake hasn't affected the speed of the internet here in Australia. Plus I got to put pictures on all of the old blogs - the Chinese Blogger didn't like pictures for some reason.

The flight to Canberra was "chaotic" to say the least - the crew were so in a rush with the food - they were basically chucking it at people - Gridiron style. Huck!

Anyhows - we had a great time at China. No big dramas (unlike good old South America!) and some fantastic sights and scenery. Ant mentioned to me later - did you have any one big standout highlight? I replied no - but I had heaps of highlights including the Li River, the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, Terracotta Warriors, etc, etc. The holiday itinerary was all pretty much perfect timing - I don't think we ever out-welcomed our stay in any one place - nor were we ever scrambling for stuff to do (unlike Valparaiso in Chile!). The Hell Hotel in Guilin was pretty much a lowlight for me - but I guess it just makes for good blogging material. The cultural differences were pretty hard to get used to for the first couple of weeks - but by week three - I had gotten pretty much used to things - and didn't notice odd behaviour (staring) or didn't mind the spitting or death-inducing driving... The pollution was a bit of a downer - you hope China can fix its sh## up soon - otherwise everyone in China might end up like "Toxic Waste Avenger"... That said - China is like the "factory of the world" - just check the label and see where your underwear or Big-Screen TV is made... The food was a bit of a mixed bag - although I did find that having Kip and Dan recommend stuff made an improvement. But to me - I prefer Vietnam or Hong Kong for food any day of the week over mainland China. We went a bit crazy with the shopping - but there are so many knick-knacks and lovely things in China to buy - not to mention all of the rip-off DVDs (most of which seem to be pretty good quality - better than Vietnamese DVDs). Our health was a little bit of a downer - with Ant's spectacular "naked pass out" - the low-light. The weather was OK - although Xi'an and the Terracotta Warriors was probably the coldest ever. Overall - China is huge, big, heaps of culture, shopping, sites and scenary...and is well worth the effort!

It's Nick (and vicariously Ant) signing off for China - and we will be signing on again in late March for a "Japanese Wedding" with a quick "Eastern Europe" stopover on the way back to Australia. Ant wants to maintain this blog for our trip to Adelaide - which could be a possibility as Adelaide has a lot of "blog potential" in its averageness...!

Anyhows it is "zaijian" for now!

Evil Beijing 2008 Friendlies Dictatorship China - Part 31 - Day 23 Continued yet again.....

Ant was starting to freeze - I mean Jack Nickolson freeze at the end of "The Shining" sort of freezing... But... this was our last day in Beijing (and China on this holiday for that matter) - and we needed to keep doing tourist sites until Ant really did look like Leonardo Dicaprio at the end of Titanic - so we headed to the Tibetian Lama Temple (why of course).

The journey there was all via the underground - so it was fairly warmish and Ant was happy for the time being. As soon as we stepped out onto the street at the Lama Temple - there was a huge wind chill and it was hella cold. That said - we were still determined to get to the Temple.

Walking past the 1000s of incense shops (well - there might have been at least 20!) we made it to the entrance of the Temple. These Tibtian Monks have obiviously been in coohoots with the Great Wall Gondola people - as they too had a "VCD Ticket" thingy happening. Ohhh VCD - it is just so good quality...!

The Lama Temple complex was fairly impressive - as you would walk thru one temple - then another - progressively getting bigger. Getting bigger also were the Buddha sizes. In the last temple - there must have been a Buddha that was the Mashmellow Man-size from Ghostbusters - he was that huge. We dubbed him Mashmallow Man Buddah. On our way out of the temple complex - I caught Ant warming up on a Incense Stick Lighting Bin thingy.

Instead of going on the subway back to Kip and Dan's apartment (which would have cost us 10 yuan for the two of us) - we instead decided to take a taxi (12 yuan). Ant was very cold - and desperate to get into the warmth of Kip and Dan's apartment. Instead of using the "knock on door approach" as we did in the morning - we tried the "extremely loud" doorbell from lobby approach. Chinese intercom systems are pretty funny - because you will have intercom receivers scattered all over your house (including next to the toilet) - so it is pretty hard to miss this. Luckily - Kip was awake anyway (and alive from her flu bout) - and we got buzzed in.

Kip couldn't believed that she had slept through Ant's door knocking episode that morning - but Ant was just happy getting back into the apartment and escaping the horrible windchill outside. Whilst Ant defrosted - we watched this "Great Hotels" show (you can probably guess where this is going just from the name of this place) - where this "wacky" woman did a half hour show on the Disneyland Californa Adventure Hotel (or something). Fair and balanced reporting - yeah right... She was really annoying - and the Disneyland Hotel was really tacky. I remember she spent five minutes explaining how great the detail was in one of their presidential suites - although I'd thought that someone had done a 360 degree projectile helicopter vommit throughout the living room - it was so ghastly.

Ant and I left Kip on her road to recovery - and headed to our final destination for today - the Yashion Markets (the markets from the night before) - for our last minute shopping needs. Just so we can make our bags that much more heavier for the trip home.

On Kip's advice - we headed up to the top level for some food court lunch stuff. I had thought hI had stepped onto the set of "Boyz in the Hood" where a group of Africian Americans were shouting out the women working at the food court "THIS HAPPENS EVERY F##KING TIME I COME HERE B!TCHES!" You are about a 17 - we want you to be about a 3. Anyway - you got to love Amercians for their subtleness and their ability to meld into their surroundings with ease... "F##K! SH##! F!!K!"

Ant and I gave each other a slightly "non-approving look" - then we set off buying some Chicken Curry (for me) and some sizzling beef dish (for Ant - his favourite). I went to the not-so-free world's most complicated and confusing drinks stall. I had attempted to order 2 bubble pearl teas (at the not-so-free world's most expensive price of 20yuan for two) - and they said I needed to pay. I pulled out my "food court" card - and they said that they only take cash. They then said I need to go to the other drink stall to pay (ooooohh!). When I tried pulling out a 50 (to split up cash) - the evil woman noticed a wad of 20's and demanded one of them. I then went back to the Bubble Pearl counter and attempted to reorder my drinks (one Taro and one Chocolate). The woman then manually started to make the drinks (and when I mean manually - I mean making them with a cocktail shaker instead of a electric blender). She started pouring an "Almond" Tea - and I had refused it. She then went onto making the "Taro" and Chocolate teas - which took about 10 minutes for her to make... Ant was worried that I had been abducted or something.

With the all important taste test - it was obvious that I shouldn't have paid anything for these drinks - they had to be the worst Bubble Pearl Teas I've had in the planet (including some dodgy ones I had at Queensland University once) - free and not-so-free world.

After our food court episode - we headed down to the "Men's Fashions" floors - where everything is "knock-off". I think a lot of locals are a bit surprised why foreigners shop here. A lot of China are becoming middle class and those that were "raised" on fake brands - are now wanting the real deal. Hence they find it a bit funny that foreigners (with more $$) are wanting the cheap and nasty stuff... Maybe they should come out to Australia - where all the clothes are s##t and the prices are nasty.

Ant found me a CD shop to babysit me for 20 minutes. I ended up buying 6 new CDs. It was sort of funny - because I had brought the CDs to the counter - and all the prices were marked on the CD - totalling 80 yuan. I had a 100 yuan note ready in my hot little hands when the guy selling me the CDs gave me a 10 yuan discount (even though I was prepared to pay 80 yuan). I shut up and pay the 70 yuan.

Ant and I stopped at a jeans shop where we both tried on some "guinune" Diesel and G-Star Raw Jeans. Although she started the price for the two of them at 480 - we managed to get it down to 300 yuan ($50AUD). (Dan had revealled to us that we probably could have gotten it down to 200 yuan for two pairs... opps!)

Ant couldn't have a shopping trip and be outshopped by me (I had a pair of jeans AND some CDs). Feeling more and more desperate - he tried on some "geniune" G-Star Raw jackets on - only to find that they didn't fit and the zipper didn't really work all that well.

As the day was rapidly drawing to a close - we both made tracks to Jenny Lu's (that foreigners supermarket with the good DVD selection) to grab some pressies for Kip and Dan and some snacks for Ant and myself for the trip home to Australia. It's always a bit strange going to a bottle shop and seeing all of the "boutique" Australian wines at "boutique prices". We grabbed 2 nice bottles (one Australian and one Chilean - Kip loves Chilean stuff at the moment - wait till she tries Chilean food...... vommit) and a big box of chockies (to go with their apocolyptic supply of Tim Tams and Ferro Rochers from Kip's mum for Xmas).

Our taxi ride back was pretty much double than what we thought we would pay. The driver was more lost than us and Ant kept grumbling and grunting at the driver. It was 20 yuan - but Ant and I were rapidly running out of money. We needed at least 80 for the trip to the airport...

Back at Kip and Dan's (Dan had returned from work) - we did a quick pack (oh my god our stuff is heavy), exchanged pressies (which they loved) and said our final farewells (for at least a fortnight - Kip and Dan are coming back to Australia in the next week or so - and we'll hopefully catch up with them in Canberra - showing off our sexy 6 burner BBQ). Unfortunately - I couldn't find any room for Louie in my bags... I so want a doggie! It was great catching up with Kip and Dan and terrific to get a local's perspective on Beijing and China. Dan's Mandarin is completely amazing (I have trouble with engrish as it is - just read these blogs). Their apartment is cool (just pitty about the lack of S-Bends in the plumbing and the "Mystical Magical" smells coming from the pipes - which were both sending Kip and Dan insane).

Dan takes us out to a taxi on the street - and explains in Mandarin that both Ant and I don't have much cash left - so hopefully this taxi ride won't cost too much. After we wave goodbye to Dan - we are on our merry way back to Australia.

We have had a awesome time in Beijing. Apart from our health problems (Ant's a lot worse than mine) - there have been heaps of highlights - catching up with Kip and Dan, the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, the Military Museum... and Mao. I pretty much agree with Dan that Beijing feels different from the rest of China (even Shanghai) - people seem to be able to drive better here - and there is slightly less agression with the locals (in terms of pushing in, etc). The relative lack of smog has been pretty amazing (apart from one day) and the development for the Olympics is nothing short of incredible (although I'm not so 100% convinced it is all good). Overall - Beijing is definately recommended - and even though we were only here for 5 days - there is still plenty of stuff that we haven't seen.

To be continued...(Trip back to Australia)

Mogwai's Republic of China - Part 30 - Day 23 Continued...

Backtracking the story to when we were leaving Kip and Dan's apartment... Both Ant and I were in a bit of a mad rush to get out the door to make sure we were going to see Mao today.

In a mad fit - we exited the apartment via the front door (where else!) and making a Prison Break - Louie (Kip and Dan's crazy toy poodle puppy) bolted for the door - then straight for the fire exit of the apartment building. Ant yelled out "LLOOOUIE!!" and put his stuff down - and raced on after him - only to intercept him on the first couple of stairs on the fire escape.

Ant picked Louie up and dropped him back into the apartment and shut the front door - minus his puffy jacket (and minus a set of keys).

Because it is somewhat cold in Beijing - we thought that our best option was to attempt to wake up Kip so she could get Ant's jacket. Ant continued to knock on the front door for about 5 minutes (Louie barking madly in the background) - yet Kip - would not wake up from her slumber.

Ant pretty much gave up - and decided to do it rough today and go jacketless.

Although he had survived the Mausoleum - there was a really icy cold can of windchill at Tian'an Men Square - and we had to take shelter somewhere. Where better to take shelter than the "Beijing Planning Exhibition Hall" - a brand spanking new tourist attraction at the Qienmen / South side of the Square.

After paying our 30 yuan entrance fee - I attempted find a toilet. There was a sign pointing to a "Toilet" on the first floor (which means the ground floor here in China) - and as I attempted to go there - a security bouncer dude says - no entrance - toilet on second floor! I drag Ant to the Second Floor (aka First Floor in rest of the world) and the signs pointing to the toilet seem to indicate that the toilets were also in a boarded up / closed section of the Exhibition Hall. Why couldn't the "Beijing Planning Exhibition Hall" plan to put some toilets in some more accessible areas??!

After taking me 10 mins to find the toilets - Ant and I were on our way to check out the "11:30am" session of a "3-D Movie" in the Exhibition Hall - something about "Beijing" or something. It was an extra 10 yuan to get in (less than $2AUD) and upon arrival - you are greeted by this Chinese guy handing out a bulky set of 3D Glasses. It was an unwieldy set of 3D glasses technology – it weighed about ½ a kilo and wasn’t attractive looking at all. Thank god the 3D movie didn’t last more than 6 minutes otherwise we would suffer permanent neck and spinal injuries. The first film – a very un 3D CGI “spectacular” of the Feudal beginnings of Beijing. Whilst the second film was a “3D” “Spectacular” fly-around of a 2008 Beijing (a la Olympics Beijing). Due to the unsubtle, Jurassic Park Soundtrack times 10 music – Ant and I spent most of the time laughing and mimicking the soundtrack. I’m sure that this sort of unsubtle music will form the soundtrack of the Beijing Games (…I can’t wait…!...cough). Probably because I wore the glasses for too long – I sort of had a laughing spaz fit on the way out – threw my glasses up in the air and broke them. I quickly calmed myself down – picked the glasses up, handed them to the Chinese 3D Glasses dude – and raced out of the cinema.

There was a “House of Tomorrow” according to the Beijing Planning Exhibition Hall and LG (Lucky Goldst.. I mean Life’s Good or Something). It was a minimalist white deal – with not much in the way of furniture. Apartently – people in the future will just need a LG internet fridge that can pipe out really annoying Chinese folk muzak. Whilst no one else was around – I jumped onto the “Bed of Tomorrow” and did some more “Sheraton-esque” poses. I then quickly jumped onto the “Toilet of Tomorrow” (just a standard western toilet) and posed a “Sh## of Tomorrow” – got Ant to take a picture. To top that – I posed a “Nick being drunk sick into the “Toilet of Tomorrow”” – klassy with a “K”.

There was this hilarious transportation video on show at the Hall. Some propaganda guy had written a song about “Harmony Transportation” in Beijing – with the lyrics “Beijing is my city to live”, “Don’t be a bad driver or your daughter might say “Dad Bad Driver!””, “You might be rich now, have a car but the price of gas has gone up – so why don’t you take public transport on the weekdays and take your car on weekends”… and it went on and on and on…. Agghh!

The “piece de’ résistance” of the Hall is a miniature scale of a 2008 Beijing – which pretty much takes up a whole floor of the Hall. Ant and I walked around it for a little while where I noticed a somewhat cool looking skateboard ramp building… Only discovering on closer inspection that this building was near Kip and Dan’s apartment – and it is butt ugly in real life. The skateboard ramp building is right next door to the “Elitist Business Club” – my favourite elitist club in China. The new buildings in the CBD area looked pretty impressive with the most impressive probably being the CCTV building (a sort of criss-cross “arch” building gone mad).

Walking around the model – Ant and I had to think “light – happy thoughts” as each pane of glass on the floor could only support 4 people. “I didn’t have that cornetto yesterday!”.

The planning hall also had a “surprise surprise” Olympic 2008 exhibition – showing all of the new venues in “Cockington Green” style model form. For those not in the know – the big Olympic Stadium has been nick-named the “Bird’s Nest” because it… looks like a Bird’s Nest. The swimming stadium is probably the most bizzaro stadium ever built (in the form of a giant, blue, transparent sponge cube thing).

The Chinese are trying to outdo the Sydney Olympics by not having 3 mascots – but 5 mascots. The mascots are called the “Friendlies” but Ant and I think that they are pure evil…. Evil times five! They are these little “Japanese-y” creatures. I’m pretty sure that you shouldn’t get these “Friendlies” wet, or feed them after midnight…etc etc or it could turn ugly. There is Olympic 2008 merchandise everywhere and in true Chinese style – I’m sure about 90% plus of it is knock off.

Day 23 to be continued…. Ohhhhhhh wwaahhhh

Collectable Mao Merchandise Land of China - Part 30 - Day 23 - Last day in Beijing / China... Chairman Mao

Although both Ant and I had a good night sleep - I was the one feeling sick this time. Both Ant and I were having problems trying to get rid of a head cold which had sort of converted itself into a "whooping cough"esque thing instead (maybe we have the same thing as Kip now??). Dan headed off to work (he was back since yesterday) and Kip was still really sick...

We headed out to Dongzhimen station and had a bit of Holiland action for breakfast. It seems consistently good here - with crossiants and sultana danishes being my favourite. Ant has become a fan of this strange strawberry milk drink that sort of tastes like Moove... We are sooo putting on weight at the end of this trip...

I was still feeling pretty crap - but we kept on being tourists - catching a train to Qienman station to the Mausoleum for our final attempt to visit the guy on this holiday. We head to the "Bag Check" area and - hurrah - Mao was open. He must have recovered from his Christmas Break and is ready and fresh for a new year...

The bag check was a little strange for the Mausoleum - the women at the counter ask if you have any cameras (if so how many), stinking wads of cash or high-value items... "Why yes - I've got 2 Ipods, $50,000 in US cold hard cash and five lines of coke baby... Help yourself!"

We crossed back into the middle of Tian'an Men Square to the Mausoleum itself - a pretty ugly building smack bang in the middle of the square. You sort of form an "orderly queue" (well about as orderly you get in China without resorting to the use of guns and whips) and get ushered into the building in groups. Meanwhile - right next to the Mausoleum are all these army dudes in full camo doing "Enter the Dragon" esque fighting moves... I'd love it if in Australia you see the Australian Army doing military practice outside of "Wet n Wild" on the Gold Coast or "Cockington Green" in Canberra (pi$$ weak world).

As you travel in sort of single file to the building - the queue moves past a "Flower" stand - where you can buy some flowers to place next to Mao. At the entrance of the Mausoleum - there were a couple of Chinese handing out "guides". I quickly yelled at Ant - get a program! Get a program! Aiii!

As you enter the building - you are asked by a sign to take of your hats and keep "silence!". The first hall is filled with a statue of Mao (surprising!) and a very tacky flower pot / indoor plant collection and rural China painting motif. It looked very communist kitsch and wouldn't have looked too out of place in the 50's or 60's (yet Mao died in the late 70's - proof that they were in a time warp back then). People who had bought flowers had the opportunity to deposit them in front of the statue. I'm sure the Mausoleum people just grab the flowers after you leave and sell them again to the next queue.

The queue then split into two queues and we entered the second room where Mao was lying in a coffin, draped with a "Red Hammer and Sickle" flag - in a sexy "Chinese baige saffari suit" - so fetch. Mao had a very yellow glow about himself - and had looked rather rubbery. Apparently - there are two "Mao's" - there is the real "Mao" and a wax copy of "Mao" - who they bring out when the real "Mao" is undergoing maintenance in Russia (the master of Mausoleums). So we have done "Ho Chi Minh" and "Mao" - next we have to do Lennin then we have done the big 3 in Mausoleums...

When you exit the "Mao" room which was quiet and peaceful - you enter straight into a "Mao" giftshop - complete with 40 staff and Chinese shoppers going mad... So so Chinese. Ant and I can't remember anything like this at "Unkie Ho's" Mausoleum - where everything was a strictly solem affair. There were Mao coffee cups, tea towels, kitschy "3-D" picture frames, pen set and even Mao Snow Domes!

Our last day in Beijing, China - to be continued... ooohh awwwahh

I AM SAM AM China - Part 29 - Day 22 - Beijing /Great Wall

After a restless night (with a 5am wake up call from Ant using the bathroom) – we hopped up at 7am, got our sh## 2geithar and headed for Holiland for breakfast at Dongzhimen station. Surprisingly – there were some fresh croissants (bonus) and sort of western style danishes with sultanas (double bonus – I was getting sick of buying things which I thought had sultanas – only to find that they are those stewpid black bean things). As Ant would say – “Everything is coming up Milhouse!”

We were on another “Terracotta Warrior” style mission today – to get to the Great Wall of China. But to throw in some spice and danger – we were going to take the Beijing Public Bus System…

According to the “Insider’s Guide to Beijing” – there was a #916 bus from Dongzhimen station to catch – then you get off at the “Haiuru International Conference Centre” (no idea where the hell this is!) – then catch a mini bus to the Mutianyu Great Wall site… Easy…!

After stumbling around the Dongzhimen area – we finally discovered the Dongzhimen bus station and a 916 waiting – smelling our fear. We hopped on – armed with a piece of paper with some Mandrian (via Dan) saying “Please take me to the Haiuru International Conference Centre!”. The conducted understood the piece of paper – and charged Ant 11 yuan each.

After about an hour and a half of travelling – the bus driver and conducted shouted at us to get off… We hopped off the bus – and there was no “Haiuru International Conference Centre” in sight. In sight, however, was a tout saying “you want ride to Mutianyu??!”. Not seeing any mini-buses in sight – Ant asked him “how much?”. He responded saying 30 yuan per person one way…which wasn’t bad considering the book said that the mini-bus rate was 25-30yuan per person.

We agreed with him – and he whisked us away in his private car. In that Chinese taxi driver tradition – he loved to play “2 Unlimited” on high rotation. Ant and I suffered whilst he played a 14 minute version of “No Limit”. He probably took the song a bit too literally when it came to his driving skills (or lack thereof).

When we arrived at Mutianyu – he said that he didn’t mind waiting for us for (4) hours so he could take us back to Haiuru – and refused our money. We would pay him when we returned (how trusting…! Mwwhhahahaha!).

He guided us to the ticket office to the Great Wall – where we faced the dilemma of buying a ticket on the gondola or the chairlift plus toboggan ride pass… The chairlift looked a little dodgy – but the gondola looked a bit less dodgier – so we went with the gondola. 160 yuan later – Ant and I walked away with a “Great Wall VCD Ticket” and a Gondola Ticket…($25ishAUD)

Going up the gondola – we both discovered that the Great Wall today was absolutely devoid of any tourists. There were hardly any gondolas on the track and no tourists on the wall in sight. Yes!

Avoiding the people selling chocolates, coke and beer (that time old beverage – suitable for energetic outdoor hiking) – we made our way to the left hand side of the wall from the top of the gondola. Although the Mutianyu area of the wall is restored (most in the 80’s) – it is nonetheless spectacular and a must-do tourist attraction. The left hand side of the wall was a little more “rustic” than the “brand spanking new” section to the right of the gondola.

Because of the snow everywhere – we had the added excitement of “trying not to slip and crack our heads open on the ice” fun. An aussie mum and daughter (both wearing matching knee high boots) – both gave up not so far away from the chairlift. Soft~!

After going up a huge wonky set of stairs – we made it to the end of the touristic bit of the wall. Apart from the sort of funny looking local guy – we were the only people in sight. The funny looking dude offered us to take our picture – which we did… Ant sort of felt obliged to pay – so he gave him about 2 yuan ($0.35AUD) – hey big spender!

We regained our breath – then headed back the way we came (which was a lot easier than going up the wall). The views were incredible – very rugged hill sides – laced with snow… did I mention a complete lack of tourists??!

We couldn’t help but notice all the idiot graffiti artists all over the wall. Luckily – the majority of them have only used chalk instead of magic markers… One idiot wrote “SAM” in really big letters. Ant and I thought that this guy “SAM” is a grade a fuc#tard (our favourite word)!

After reaching the top of the gondola – we decided that we would keep going along the wall until the top other side of the touristic wall. We were keeping a pretty good pace – but a British couple came speeding up from nowhere behind us. Maybe someone should have told them to “not speed in icy conditions” – as the woman fell flat on her face. I sniggered and quietly said to Ant “The Great Fall of China – heh heh heh…” I’m so klassy with a “k”.

Still feeling not too crash hot – I called it quits at the top of the other chairlift/toboggan ride. Ant was feeling semi adventurous and wanted to try out the toboggan. There was basically a toboggan track (a la Corin Forrest / Thredbo) right down to the bottom of the mountain – the klassiest way of getting down to the bottom. I however – didn’t want to trust my life in the hands of Chinese Toboggan Engineers – and I refused to go down it… Although it did look very shonky – the English couple and a few other people managed to survive the toboggan ride down the hill.

Heading down the mountain via foot – there were heaps of chiglish signs everywhere. Signs stating that “President Klinton had visited” (I made up the “K” but for the rest of the trip down the mountain – I kept saying to Ant “Take me to Klinton” in an alien voice – he seemed to get the joke). There were some excellent “Notice to Visitor” chinglish signs including:
“Please don’t carve arbitrarily on the Great Wall. Protect one brick and one stone consciously” (yes – one brick and one stone only – f##k the rest) and
“Please walk carefully on abrupt slope and dangerous way; Don’t run and pushes to pash violently and the laugh and frolic” (but pashing violently is my favourite~!)…

There were all of these weird signs trying to get visitors to visit the “Stone Vllage” as it was “free” and “great” – but to us it felt like “tourist trap” – so we avoided the “Stone Vllage” like a violent pash rash.

At the bottom of the path – Ant was “shanghaied” again by a bunch of women selling him t-shirts. “One Dollar! One Dollar!” they began saying (which hooked Ant in – he can’t resist a t-shirt for one dollar even if they are hideously gross). When we arrived – the price seemed to magically rise up to 380 yuan each ($63 AUD). I wasn’t all that excited – but Ant managed to get himself trapped in the shop with the “One Dollar” woman blocking his exit. I tell Ant “I’m not paying more than $5 a shirt” – the woman attempts to say that these “are good quality. Cottin look cottin!”. She shows us a Nylon shirt which looks like it had been used to wipe clean a squat toilet – and then said “Look. Nylon. Bad. Nylon Bad!” I started saying to the woman “they are all polyester!” and started to walk away. As I must have been about 50 metres away from the shop – Ant yells out “NICK!” – he had reached a deal – 25 yuan each. Ant’s shirt had the added bonus of a family of cockroaches living it the t-shirt.

We walked back down to the car where Mr 2 Unlimited ran out – smelling of Chinese alcohol… “No no! No no no no! There’s no Blood Alcohol Limit!” We headed back to town – at breakneck speeds through the icy chicanes – and somehow managed to get back to town in one piece. He drops us off at a bus stop – and 2 seconds later – a 916 picks us both up. Unfortunately – we had mr “Slow Coach” driving us as we counted about half a dozen 916 buses overtaking us on our way back to Dongzhimen.

Back in town and the smog had suddenly turned real bad. Perhaps it has something to do with today not being a public holiday – or the fact that it was a wind-free day.

Back at Kip and Dan’s place – and Kip is still feeling like crap from her flu. I catch up on a bit of “Blind Date”, “5th Wheel” and a show called “Change of Heart” – where everyone looks like they were straight out of “Studs” back in the early nineties – however “Change of Heart” was made in 1997 – shame on those people… They were still wearing shoulder pads and frizzy “Billy Ray Cirrus” mullets – that late in the 90s.

I attempted to do some blogging – but you guessed it! – the Taiwanese earthquake was still pounding the internet into the stone age (thanks China Post for that quote – my favourite source of English Language Chinese Government Propaganda other than CCTV 9).

Kip served a bit of Peking Duck from the other night. Although a couple of days old – I still thought it tasted great. You get a bit of BBQ duck – dip it in some sauce, put it in a pancake with a bit of spring onion, sauce, watermelon (!) and some non-traditional lettuce – and you have yourself a tasty snack. Just need to avoid the skin as it is more fatty than one of Oprah’s thigh.

Dan, Ant and I head out to the “Yashion Markets” (not quite sure about the name – but I’m dubbing this place the “Yashion Markets”) – a 5 story complex full of “street vendors” selling “authentic Diesel” clothes, and stuff.

On our way there – we made a slight detour to go to a store stocking foreign brands for Ant. However on arrival – the shop clearly catered for the “Asian Nerd” look – and we quickly ran the hell out of there.

Now you might think this is weird – but my hairdresser in Canberra gave me $50 to go buy her daughter some knock off handbags. She gave me a list of name brands to look out for – but I think she was just rattling off anything she could think off (Gucci, D&G, Dior, Versace, Louie Verton, etc etc). So there was Dan, myself and Ant on a handbag mission for 15 minutes at Yashion Markets. I finally found a Dolce and Gabbana handbag which sort of looked OK – and haggled my way down for 55 yuan (just more than $9AUD). I also picked up a Versace bag for 40 yuan (the girl amazingly started at 50 yuan as the starting price). Ant got in the whole handbag craze and bought one as well (… for his mother).

After completing the basement – we headed for the next level – “genuine” Diesel shoes… Now – we have had really bad times trying to find shoes that fit in Asia before (I seem to remember searching with Ant for hours in Tokyo – trying to find some shoes that fit – only finding out that the biggest shoe sizes they had were about two too small for us). However – we did manage to find some shoes that sort of fit. Dan, being the local – had advised us what a good price for shoes is. Dan started to get a bit “chummy” with the old lady shopkeeper. One of the keepers (we were attracting a crowd) sort of admitted that only certain bits of the shoes were actual leather… When the old woman came back out – she told Dan that the whole shoe was leather… Dan and the younger woman had a laugh.

Things started to get a lot less chummy-ier when we started arguing over the price – I didn’t want to pay more than 100 yuan for each pair (both Ant and I wanted a pair each). But the woman wouldn’t budge from a semi-ridiculous price. This was all going on whilst the security guards were closing the whole centre down because it was now past 9pm. We kept arguing (making Dan feel a little uncomfortable – as he was quite chummy with the woman previously) – and the old lady started pulling the shutters down over the store. I wouldn’t back down from my price and grabbed Ant and headed up the escalators before we were trapped in the mall.

Half way up the escalators – the old lady runs up the escalators – screaming “Wait!! 200 yuan for the shoes…!”. We exchanged the cash – she handed over the “Tiger Pumas” and everyone was chummy again. It is sort of funny in China – you can be arch enemies whilst bartering – but at the end of the day – they are very happy to do business and get very friendly (not in a massage.. happy ending sort of way tho).

Another thing about bargaining in China – if you state a price – you are bound to buy it (otherwise it is really bad form). Sort of like the bad form of that woman trying to sell me the Saddam cards for 475 yuan, agreeing for 10 yuan then swapping the cards… I know where your store is bi##h!

After trying to find some “lamb on the stick” “hole in the wall” restaurant – only to discover that they only sell dumplings – we headed for Mc Donalds for a “smallish snack”. I had ordered a “Happy Meal” with a “Soccer Snoopy” doll which headbutts a ball. I was trying to get snoop to headbutt the ball into Ant’s coke….but to no avail.

Mr Wu's DVD Land of China - Part 28 – Day 21 - Beijing / Temple of Heaven

I seem to suffer from the whole dehydration thing whilst staying in China – and Beijing is no exception. I wake up pretty dehydrated – but not as bad as that night in the Sheraton. Ant wants to leave early today because he is feeling better and missed out on sightseeing on the previous day. However – I sort of mess around for about an hour attempting to blog (damn that Taiwainese earthquake!). Whilst I was mucking around – Ant was having a “Super Fun Happy Time!” doing the dishes in Kip and Dan’s kitchen…! We don’t leave the apartment until 10:30am (so much for an early start…).

We take a train to the Chongwenmen stop – which happens to be right next door to our old hotel – the Novatel in Beijing. Ant and I stayed here for a couple of nights back in 2003 (I think??) and found it a pretty cool hotel… Although the hotel hadn’t changed from when we were last here – pretty much everything in this area was either brand new, or being developed. Everything was a lot more commercial (heaps of new malls) and it was a bit of a shock to the system to see all of the change in only a couple of years.

We made a brief pit stop at the local Mc Donalds to use the toilet. Ant and I must have waited 5 minutes for the guy to get off the toilet (there was only one toilet and the urinals were broken or something)… When he got off the toilet – it was revealed that it was a squat toilet – and Ant wanted to do a number 2.

After a 20 minute walk – we finally reached the Temple of Heaven. If you’ve watched any CNN – you would probably recognise the Temple of Heaven from some of those “This is CNN…” adverts. It is a massively beautiful temple with several circular roof layers – complete with a golden “finial” making it “prone to lighting strikes” (thanks DK). Not surprisingly – it was destroyed by lightning in the early 20th century and the then emperor had the administrators all executed because of this. Choice!

It was only 30 RMB to get a “mecha pass” to the Park (attention Prince’s Hill in Guilin – you need to lower your entrance fee – you suck in comparison to these tourist sites in Beijing and you need to lower your rates dammit!).

The temple wasn’t really a Buddhist temple – rather it was a temple when the then Ming and Qing emperors came to pray for a good harvest and sacrifice some animals (or something). Animal sacrificing rocks!... or something.

Suddenly – the park began to spit out this annoying muzak – which some of it sounded strangely familiar. Ant had picked up that the “New South Wales – There’s No Place Like It” tourist ads – you know – the ones that it makes NSW sound like Africa…?!

We also checked out a “mini-me” version of the Temple of Heaven (aka “Imperial Vault of Heaven”) which was impressive – but no where near as restored or sexy as the Temple of Heaven. There was also a round circular stone structure called the “Round Altar” which was the site of more animal sacrifice rituals – sweet… There were all these wacky chinese getting their photo taken – posing on the sacrifice stone.

On our way out of the park – we made a quick pitstop at a “4 Star Toilet” – well it was 4 stars according to the big sign out front. There were some Chinese metrosexuals – holding up four fingers and getting their picture taken in front of the sign… They obviously have the same sense of humour we do…! It was so posh – they were selling two kinds of toilet paper.

We exited the “Temple of Heaven Park” via the western gate and proceeded to make our way to Tien’An Men Square. The road between the Temple of Heaven and the Square used to be restricted to the Emperor – who would travel to the temple to pray. Now – it is just a boarded up suburb being totally flattened in time for the Olympics. Ant and I during our first visit to Beijing spent half a day exploring this area and it felt a bit weird to discover that this place now looked like Baghdad. There is such a s##t load of development in China at the moment. It was very noticeable in Shanghai – and I’m sure all the development in Beijing is “cleaning up the city” in time for the Olympics… I can’t help but feel a bit sad that they were demolishing a whole suburb (or two) just to beautify the city and build some soulless malls with Gap stores instead…

When we finally got to Tien’An Men Square – we discovered that the Mao Mausoleum was closed yet again. I got Ant to check out the sign in Chinese near the bag drop off – and we came to the same conclusion that it was closed until the 4th of Jan (eg: day after today). Dammit! We so want to see Unkie Maooo!!

Disappointed – we made tracks for the Wangfujing Street area for some lunch (as I was complaining to Ant about how hungry I was…). We walked past a peddler peddling maps and stuff – my eyes popped open as she was selling the same maps that we had – only without Louie’s urine on it. 50 metres down the road – Ant made a decision to buy the map. We then proceeded to stalk the peddler – stalking the stalker… (cue Friday 13th – “Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma” sound effect). Although we knew the value of the map (8 yuan) – and that we were trying to point out the price to the woman – she still charged us 10 for the pleasure.

On Wangfujing Street (sort of a tacky Beijing “Nanjing Lu in Shanghai”-esque shopping street – complete with a weird street food market selling Tiger testicles, fried scorpions and goat penises. Not quite my idea of good meal. Anyhow – I quickly discovered a Yoshinoya outlet in a food court – so we both had Yoshinoya Beef Bowls for lunchies… Ant and I both agree that any Yoshinoya’s out of Japan – aren’t as good as in Japan. It tastes a bit different – and they attempt to do the whole “McDonalds” meal thing which doesn’t quite work… Plus – where is the raw egg I can mix in my Beef Bowls dammit!!?!

Because the day was drawing quickly to an end – we made fast tracks to the Nepalese Buddhist “Lama Temple” – as it was the only tourist site we could find in the “Insider’s Guide to Beijing” that was open after 4pm. The book claimed it closed at 4:30pm – but alas – the “Insider’s Guide to Beijing” wasn’t as inside as it should have been – it closed at 4… Somewhat disappointed (and a bit pi$$y) – we headed back to Kip and Dan’s apartment via foot. We were only two metro stops away from their place which was about an hour by foot.

After a bit of a chill out at Kip and Dan’s place (where Kip and Dan were both coming down with the flu – which we probably gave to them…) – I attempted to do some blogging only to find that the internet didn’t work at all…

Dan took me and Ant out via taxi to the “Jenny Lu’s” supermarket – situated near the “Bar Street” where we did NYE. Not only did we go to Jenny Lu’s for some food supplies – but also for some DVD shopping. They had a really interesting range of new films – mostly alternative and art house. Ant and I went a little crazy together and bought the entire collection of “Sex in the City”, three seasons of “Six Feet Under”, the “third” season of “Desperate Housewives” (yet to be shown in Australia), the complete “That’s My Bush!” series (shout out to Ant for finding this – the aborted “Anti-Abortion” baby thing episode is hilarious!) and a crap load of moofies… Dan said that the quality of this place is pretty good – and is where mostly him and Kip get their DVDs from.

After our 400 yuan shopping spree – we headed across the road to the “Peter Pan” Italian Restaurant. Yes – when you think of Italian fairy stories – you think of Pino.. ehh I mean Peter Pan~! We got a couple of pizzas which were surprisingly good (and garlicky! Fresssh!).

People's Fully Sick Mate Republic of China - Part 27 - Day 20 - Beijing / Forbidden City

I was awoken in the middle of the night by Ant who had fallen down the corridor outside of our bedroom – half naked – crying out for help from me. He had passed out after getting back from the bathroom – he was suffering from ultra bad gastro and was in a cold sweat. Luckily – I helped him out and we didn’t wake up Kip and Dan in the process…

When I woke up in the morning – Ant was feeling a little better but he couldn’t really remember the whole “passing out on the floor” incident the previous night.

I was enjoying playing with Louie and I soooo want a dog. The toy poodle doesn’t malt and Ant doesn’t seem to be having any allergic reaction to the dog. The only problem with us getting a dog is that we live in an Australian apartment complex which has the rule of no dogs or pets (unlike the Chinese – who don’t care). If I got one – hopefully it wouldn’t bark and I could smuggle it in a sports bag or something on my way out of the apartment.

We lazed around until 10 - Ant was still feeling sick and wanted me to go and do some sightseeing. He said “Go and see the Mao Museum and the Forbidden City!” – probably because it was the easiest thing for me to find by myself and I have a notorious lack of direction.

Kip and Dan left (just after me going into town) – and were on a “buying Chinese “Antique” furniture” mission for their apartment. Ant just rested in bed – Louie joined him and slept on my bed all day (big shout out for Ant for guarding my bed!)

The train ride to Tian’an Men Sqaure is relatively straight forward (there are two stops called “Tian’an Men Square East and West” which are kind of hard to miss). This wasn’t my first visit to the square – I had been there during our last visit – and nothing much had changed (except for less smog amazingly!). There are tonnes of Chinese tourists area (sort of a mecca for Chinese tourists), heaps of touts touting both westerners and chinese (sucked in!), heaps of armed police and military dudes everywhere and big monuments, museums, gates and mausoleums everywhere. You can’t help but feel a bit of a strange feeling being here (given the 1989 student protests). Apparently – we were told at NYE that a lot of Chinese people do know about it but they know it as the June 4th Incident (or something – not quite sure of the exact date)…

In an attempt to go to see the Mao Mausoleum (or Mao Museum as it was called in Beijing) – I had discovered that everything was shut. There was a sign near the bag drop off / collection area that said something about “2007 01 01 03” – but it was all in Chinese. Perhaps they had shipped Mao over to Russia for some maintenance during the new year?

Anyhow – I had ventured down to the northern end of the Square where the famous Tian’an Men Gate is (you know – the one with the huge Mao painting and all of those seats next to it – a la North Korea!). It was massively busy (being a public holiday and all in China) – and I always feel a little uncomfortable being around so many people by myself in a “strange land”… Anyhow – I didn’t get mugged and I managed to take a few happy snaps in the process.

I walked through the gate where you pass by some other massive gates and gardens until you reach the entrance of the “Forbidden City”. Ant and I during our last trip to China were forbidden to go to the Forbidden City because the Chinese Communist Party were celebrating their 55th Anniversary of being in power and had shut down most of the sites in Beijing to set up some fireworks. However – I was fortunate enough to go this time!

I got a little confused buying the tickets (as they call it “the Palace Museum” instead of the Forbidden City”) but they were a bit of a steal at only 40 yuan (or something). The Forbidden City is the palace complex of heaps of former emperors of China and all you can say is thank god the revolutionaries or the communists didn’t destroy it! It is a huge and impressive site – full of large gates, palaces and temples. Unfortunately – they were doing renovations to the biggest and most famous buildings (Gate of Supreme Harmony and the Hall of Supreme Harmony). I did take Ant’s digital camera over some of the barriers to take some pretty cool shots of the marble carriageway outside the Hall of Supreme Harmony. You got to love all of the names of buildings here – Hall of Supreme Harmony, Hall of Mental Cultivation, Hall of Immorality (my favourite).

All of the snow everywhere was an added bonus. It made everything look more pretty than normal. And thank god it wasn’t snowy during our time in Beijing. Beijing had a real cold snap when we were in Xi’an (hence the snow everywhere and the delays at the airport) – but this could have explained why we almost froze to death at the Terracotta Warrior museum!

The imperial gardens were rather impressive and I forked out an extra 10 yuan to visit the “Nine Dragon Screen, Jewellery Hall Complex” which was definitely worth checking out. The Jewellery Hall housed some mean jewellery back from the imperial dynasty days of China – there was even an old antique cabbage (agggh! Antique market flashback!). There was even a cool well where a concubine had drowned in (not quite sure how she could fit – unless she was a midget 3 year old).

After checking out the “western side” of the city – I checked out the Eastern side – where there were heaps of halls and palaces – complete with furniture and stuff from the era. There was also a funky little museum on the life of the Last Emperor (Pu Yi) who was abdicated back in 1912 and replaced by Dr Sun or something. Pu Yi looked about the age of 12 when he got married…

I avoided a few touts in the Forbidden City trying to get me to go to a “Mongolian Art” exhibitation – which was a little baffling considering there was no one else touting to see any of the other exhibits.

It was about 3pm and I had done a hard 3 and a half hours exploring the city and its various museums and collections – and my stomach was getting the better of me. I had spent the next 45 minutes attempting to find somewhere to eat. My first attempt was a Chinese place on the eastern side of the Square – which Ant and I went to on our first day in Beijing a couple of years ago. Although there was an engrish menu out the front – it was all in Chinese near the counter – so I gave it a miss… (it wasn’t all flash by memory). I then remembered that there was a McDonalds and 7-11 on the southern bit of the square. So I crossed about 50 underground tunnels to get there – only to discover that Mc Donalds no longer exists and that it is now a construction site! 7-11 wasn’t there as well L… I attempted to enter a “Food Court” mall – only to remember that it was a three floor mall only selling mobile phones (we had the same problem the first time to China). Agggh!...

I did notice a KFC on the South-western side of the square – so, being desperate, I crossed under 50 more underground crossing to get there. When I had lined up behind a guy at KFC – a young woman was sort of pushing her way in front of me – holding out a sweaty handful of yuan at the KFC dude. It was like she was at a nightclub ordering drinks. I then went to physically push her out of my way – and gave her a death stare. She looked a bit shocked, gave me a death stare back and I never saw her again… Please don’t report me to the “Australia Says No to Violence Against Woman” Campaign! It was only a gentle push!

I had managed to order a sort of vegetarian burger at KFC which was passable. Just so you can’t order something at KFC without meat – they give you a fried piece of chicken to compensate.

I headed for the nearest subway station which, at the time, I thought it was Tien’An Men Square West (on the #1 line)… However – I discovered that it was a train stop (Qienman) on the #2 line – which was a bonus as I didn’t have to change on a second train.

When I got back to the apartment – Ant was still resting but feeling a little better. I found that Louie had been sleeping on my bed all day (keeping it warm for me or something)… I attempted to do some blogging but the Taiwanese earthquake was still preventing me to blog…dammit!

Kip and Dan got back home not much longer after I got back – and had bought 1000s of yuan worth of furniture. Most furniture is pretty cheap here – and although it isn’t antique stuff – they are all made to look like antiques – which is the next best thing. To our somewhat amusement – Beijing have an Ikea – whose furniture would look completely out-of-place with your “antique” chinese furniture – unless you are going for the Swedish/Chinese fusion look.

We watched a bit of Pilipino TV with Kip – she loves the same sort of crap that I love (if I’m watching Foxtel – like Blind Date and the 5th Wheel) and all of those entertainment-y networks… So it was all good – except when Dan was wanting to watch something (he hates it!).

For dinner – we went to a local Peking Duck (or should that be Beijing Duck?) restaurant. Kip and Dan were surprised as the restaurant has completely been renovated and had an “Ambush Makeover” (one of Kip’s fav shows)… We let Kip and Dan (the local cuisine experts) pick what meals we were having – so we ordered one duck, another 4 dishes and rice. Apparently – it is tradition here in China to order 3 dishes (if there are 2 of you) or 5 dishes (if there are 4 of you) – typical Chinese “over-ordering” restaurant deal. In typical Chinese restaurant fashion – all of the meals came out in a weird order – Ant’s sizzling beef came out 10 minutes before any of the other dishes… And we were all completely full – 20 minutes had passed there was no Peking Duck yet!!

This sort of set off the “Consumer Watchdog” in Dan – and he then attempted to get them to cancel the duck. We were told by the staff that it was “tradition” for the duck to come out last (although both Kip and Dan dispute this claim)… The duck did come out – but Dan just got them to put it in a doggy bag for later. Dan amazingly even got the waitress to say sorry twice in Chinese (which apparently is a miracle/once-in-a-lifetime event in China).

It was sort of funny that they had stuffed up – despite the fact that the restaurant was completely overstaffed (another Chinese tradition). There were two people at the front door (whose job is just to open and greet the guests – not even take them to a table) and the place was filled with waitress… Dan was saying that the front door people probably only get 8 yuan a day ($1.35 AUD) – but this can be good money if you are from the country side and you get your accommodation and food thrown in as a fringe benefit.

We headed back home where we lounged around until 11pm talking about our experiences in China and stuff. I was sort of commenting saying that I had a hard time adjusting to all of the cultural differences in China (compared to most places in the world) – but that I had gotten used to it. Dan said that the people you have to look out for are the Chinese middle aged women – who are the rudest and most pushy people here (perhaps that KFC girl would make a fine middle aged woman).

People's Nuclear Wasteland of China - Part 26 - Day 19 - New Year's Day

After our bender night – we got up at the somewhat late (for us anyway) time of 11am. Kip was playing some Xbox, Dan was sporting a hangover (probably from that dodgy free beer last night – I had one sip of it and ewwwh!) and Ant was still feeling sick. So we didn’t leave the apartment until pretty much 3pm…!

Kip served us our first “Western Breakfast” for this holiday with some muesli w honey and yoghurt…. Plus some of her famous coffee too – yum yum…

At the “witching hour” of 3pm – Ant and I headed out via train to the Military Museum. We thought that the train would be really hard from Kip and Dan’s place because they have an aversion to the system – but the train station is only a 2 minute walk from their front door. From recollection from our last visit to Beijing (2003 I think) – the metro is really easy. You just buy a ticket (the one price) and hop on – no different prices for different journeys. The metro system has changed a little bit since our last trip. Instead of just the 1 and 2 Subway Lines – they now have the (lucky) 13 Train Line (not sure why they didn’t call it “3”). Kip and Dan’s place was right next to the Liufang 13 stop – which was just one stop away from the Dongzhimen stop on the 2 loop. The tickets were slightly more complicated – as the 13 has a different ticket system than the 1,2 – but you can get a transfer for 5 yuan and it was easy enough to get it.

The Chinese Military Museum was easy enough to find – it has its own metro stop! The museum itself was an interesting mix of “Communist Kitsch” and “Dr Strangelove scariness”. When you enter the museum – you are confronted by not only a huge statue of Mao but also heaps of massive paintings of the man himself – in all sorts of seasons (Chairman Mao with the Red Army, Chairman Mao in the Motorcade, etc etc)…

But that ain’t nothing until the next room – a massive hall filled to the brim with huge Dr Stranglove-esque missiles, tanks, artillery, and so forth. All set against the red communist flag background of the hall with its retro circular walls… There is nothing that makes the Chinese more proud than a room filled with “antique-esque” bombs and so forth… It was both communist kitsch and communist scary at the same time. You could even pay 1 yuan to ride a tank or move around on a artillery gun… cheap!

The second floor was the “gun floor” – wall to wall cabinets filled with handguns, machine guns, submachine guns, really big f##k-off guns, land mines (Princess Diana would be sad), grenade launchers and did I mention guns..?! I got Ant to take my picture – posing Charlie’s Angles style in front of them.

We then checked out a room that was full of statues of Red Army heroes and Communist Party dudes and dudettes (sometimes posing with peasants). To our amusement – we had discovered that all of the statues were made out of fibreglass (klassy with a “k”). All of it was in Chinese – so we had no clue what was going on…

As we had only got to the museum an hour before closing time – we had to dash through the exhibits on various Chinese wars through history including the revolutionaries getting to power, the whole communists getting to power thingy, the Sino-Japan war and so on and so on. It was all pretty communistic and plenty of tacky dioramas to honour the war dead (and Mao of course).

We continued our fast food shame and headed to McDonalds across the street for a 5pm lunch. Ant and I ordered different things – and we were pretty sure that the McDonald’s caused Ant’s gastro (to happen in a future episode) – because it was the only different thing we have eaten and I didn’t get the gastro…

We headed back to Kip and Dan’s to chill out a bit. They have a “Philippines Satellite TV” hook up so you don’t have to be subjected to CCTV. They even have the “Australian Network” TV Station – a sort of commercial version of ABC with ABC news, some ABC shows and Home & Away. We watched the 7pm ABC News bulletin but it was mostly dealing with Asian news as opposed to Australian News. However – Kip mentioned that they have a 5pm bulletin which only deals with regional Australia news instead.

I attempted to do a bit of blogging but have been having hella problems with the internet since the Taiwanese earthquake of a couple of days ago. Most of the internet is unavailable and some sites (including Blogger.com) only seem to work every now and again…thus the slowness of posting to this site.

Kip cooked us all some pasta with chicken sauce which was all yummy. Ant headed off to bed early as the McDonalds was starting to disagree with his stomach. I watched one of Kip and Dan’s huge DVD collection – Half Light with Demi Moore. Kip spent most of the time trying to figure out how old Demi Moore is and how much plastic surgery she has had to look that good. Kip guessed 47 – I guessed 48, Dan guessed 50 – but Kip was the closest – she is 45 according to IMDB. By the way – the movie was pretty B grade.

Peoplerebluik. Of China Part 25 - Day 18 Continued... NYE in Beijing

After we survived our flight from China (snow next to runway and all) – we were greeted by our friends from Canberra – Kip and Dan – whom we were staying at their place whilst in Beijing. Dan is working for three years with a Chinese lawfirm – and Kip – Dan’s wife – was a fashion designer back in Ozland – but she is only on a “Housewife” visa (her name for it) and can’t work in China.

After a short taxi ride to their place (only costing 70 Yuan – cheap) we arrived at Kip and Dan’s place. Their apartment is near the 3rd Ring Road – so it is pretty central, and is right next door to the Liufang metro stop – so it was convenient for us as well…!

The apartment was pretty huge (2 beddie, 2 bathrooms, a kitchen and a big living area) complete with a Toy Poodle puppy by the name of Louie. Louie, a boy, was only 6 months old and was really cute and really loved to “play fightie” all the time. Kip and Dan need to pretty much smug$le him out of the country in order to bring Louie to Australia. The problem isn’t bringing Louie into Australia (as he’ll be in quarantine for 6-8 weeks or something) – the problem is getting Louie out of China. Although you can apparently take dogs through Hong Kong then to Australia.

Dan’s work is very convenient for him – right across the road and seems to have an interesting time doing contracting work (including translating contracts from engrish to Chinese and vice versa). He speaks fluent Mandarin but gets completely sick of locals asking him how he picked up the language (happens on a very regular basis).

Our room was the “sweat shop room” (as we like to call it). It was full of Kip’s hardcore sewing machines and clothes making stuff – and we joked that we had to start making clothes – sweat shop style – in order to stay at their place…

After a quick coffee made by Kip and her espresso machine (best coffee in China) – we headed out to a nearby Antique (or should that be “antique”) and Furniture Market. For us – it gave us an opportunity to buy some souvenirs and gifts – and for Kip and Dan – it gave them an opportunity to buy some knick-knacks and Chinese furniture.

The markets were huge and full of anything Chinese you could think off. There were a huge range of propaganda posters – most of which looked like the stuff that was at the market back in Xi’an – which makes you wonder if there is a factory producing “old” propaganda posters – I’d put $$ on it.

We haggled and picked up a few “Waving Mao Clocks” as presents (communist kitsch) and I had one thing that I wanted to buy - a “Heavenly God dancing on a Midget” statue. I had seen a few old statues at some of the museums – so I thought that I might be able to pick one up here. Although there were a few “Heavenly God dancing on Midget” statues – they weren’t really what I was looking for as the market versions of the statue were a bit “meaner” than the version in my head…

Kip was buying heaps of paper chinese lanterns and some replacement cushion covers to replace the ones that Louie had destroyed. Ant and I used Dan’s excellent Mandarin skills in order to haggle for an old Mah-jong Box and set. We ended up getting a classy old Mah-jong Box (a sort of cube box deal) which looked really old (Kip said it was “gorgeous”) and the Mah-jong tile set for 150 yuan – which hwe were happy with.

Something klassy with a “K” that caught all of our attention was an “antique” ceramic cabbage ornament – which would look great at anyone’s entrance place to their house…

We headed for lunch to a “Peking Duck” restaurant recommended by Kip and Dan – although when we arrived – we found out that we would have to wait 1 hour for the duck to be ready… We ordered from the menu instead – and Dan picked out some interesting pork, eggplant, more pork and candied-yam dishes. The “Candied-Yam” dish was really interesting – they serve it to you straight away and you need to dip the bits of yam into a bowl of water otherwise everything crystallises together and it becomes really hard to break apart using chopsticks. Although there was no duck – we all agreed that we had a great lunch.

After lunch – we headed for all of the furniture shops – where Dan and Kip seemed to be on a mission to get a Chinese Day Bed (probably the best invention on the planet). There was one bed where the price was about 12,000 yuan less than any other day bed – but you need to have decent bargaining skills at the furniture shops otherwise you could get ripped.

We checked out what Kip and Dan call “Glasses City” – it is basically a prescription glasses/sunglasses district with heaps of little shops that can do up your prescription in about 20 minutes all at a cheap cheap price (about 200 yuan per pair or $35AUD). Ant and I got some glasses and sunglasses made up whilst Kip got a new pair of sunnies. Kip then dissed Dan for having 20-20 vision… We also wandered up into a big indoor centre where you can see them making up glasses – although there wasn’t all that much to see on a NYE. We loved all of the coloured contact lenses you could buy from the centre – including the standard bloodshot set, the cat eyes set and the nuke sign set (a great one for going into America by plane whilst sporting a beard). Dan mentioned that he spots heaps of Chinese girls with “blue eyes” – no doubt from all of the coloured contact lenses.

We headed back to the apartment for a quick brandy and then a 90 minute sleep (Ant and I were completely desperate for sleep given the lack of it in Xi’an).

Kip and Dan have this huge “home theatre” set up with a projector and surround sound stereo. Santa was especially good to Dan this year when he got a Xbox 360 imported from Australia. I had a few goes at their car racing game but I was totally shi#e at it. Ant also displayed our shopping triumphs from elsewhere in China. We grabbed out the Mao DVD – only to discover that it is a Mao song Karaoke DVD – all in Chinese. And most of the backgrounds used in the songs aren’t very communistic (just random shots of the country side or sometimes – Government buildings)…! There was an amusing song where you could see a mini-bus driver speeding through a hairpin corner on the wrong side of the road – we have now video proof of bad Chinese drivers!

Ant wasn’t feeling the best tonight – he has been sort of coming down with a cold (no thanks to the one I’ve got from Xi’an) – and when Dan made some “Jelly Donut” shooters for us – I took one for the team and had Ant’s for him.

We didn’t really have any super big plans for NYE – Kip was very apologetic – but we didn’t mind because Ant wasn’t feeling 100% (neither was I) and we were both pretty tired. We took a taxi out to the “Bar Road”. It is a series of bars packed full of ex-pats. No wonder – as most embassies are located near the Bar Road. We went to a place called “The Tree” which was a Belgium Beer Bar in Beijing (the irony didn’t escape us!).

We met up with a few Beijing friends of Kip and Dan’s – a mixture of expats and Chinese guys. One person – who was a journalist working for the state controlled Xin Huh – said she was watching “An Inconvenient Truth” one day and almost had a fit seeing herself in the documentary (aii! A celebrity!)… She had said she was talking about Hurricane Katrina – but was taking out of context in the documentary and it had made her sound like she was talking about global warming… She also said that she had to sign a “Legal Waiver” – so that they could use her footage in the movie – but she never had expected to appear in it… She has a Aussie fiancé and they are going to be moving to Canberra soon. She is really gunning for a job in SBS – I could so see her reading the SBS World News – she has way better pronunciation than Lee Li Chin and she sort of has the look and persona that would attract a cult following on SBS.

I had finally learned some rude words in Chinese (so I can fire it off against the locals if they pi$$ me off) – I had semi-learned Sh#t and Fu## but the one I do remember is “Your Mother’s C###!”. All the Chinese at our table were laughing when I was sort of vaguely pronouncing it – but they said if I said it out on the street – you could get bashed up…

The NYE countdown was a little strange – no one seemed to be keeping track of what the time was. The bar owner was handing out dubious free bottles of beer (complete with a sexy Mrs Clause photo on the bottle – very NYE!) before midnight – and was handing out dodgy streamers, whistlers and party-poppers after midnight. I had heard a table were cheering at the other side of the bar – so I started my own midnight countdown – which everyone else followed.
After midnight – the bar brought out this really bad “Chinese version of the Eagles but with a female signer” band. They were about a 14 but we really needed them to be about a zero in terms of volume. I was half tempted to try using my new found Chinese sware skills on them – but (probably wisely) chose not to.

We had a great night – met lots of interesting people and dissed the government in a public forum. We must have left the place about 4am - where outside it was hella cold… only to return to the apartment where Louie had spread some NY’s joy around the house (when I said “joy” I meant “urinating all over the place”!).

Very Tired Sleepy Land of China - Part 24- Day 18 - Leavin' Xi'an'

You know the bad night sleeps you get when you are anxious about leaving a place at the crack of dawn in order to get to the airport on time…? Well – I had one of those nights. I woke about 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep. All the better to have a really bad night sleep on the morning of New Years Eve right??

Anyhow – we had to leave the Mecure by 6am because we were a little concerned about getting to the airport on time (considering it had taken us more than an hour in the first trip to Xi’an – no thanks to the “happy scenic route” taken by the taxi driver).

We physically got up at the fantastic time of 5:30am – I might have caught a quick glimpse of CNN’s World Sport whilst I was packing my bag and I truly believe that there is a ESPN Ocho in existence. They were showing “Shin Kicking” and “Cheese Rolling” competitions (amongst other events) – prime Ocho viewing in my opinion.

As we checked out of the Grand Mecure – I think we had woken up the Doorman (who was in a deep coma when we arrived). When he recovered – he fetched us a taxi and we were on our way.

The taxi didn’t use a meter (the first ever in China not to use one) – but there was a flat rate of 180 yuan, cheaper than the first taxi trip – so we agreed to it. Something we didn’t really agree to was the five minute stop at the petrol station (but we had no comeback as we didn’t speak Chinese – all we could give were menacing grimaces). Another thing we didn’t agree on was taking a “scenic route” to avoid all the toll roads (that b@stard!). Although we didn’t take the toll roads – it was a much faster trip than the first taxi ride (despite the petrol station stop) – probably mainly due to the complete lack of traffic at 6am in the morning.

Upon arrival at the airport (about 6:30ish) – we discovered that we were too early to check in (they were only checking-in the first flight to Beijing – we were on the second). After a bit of a hissyfit on my part – there were a few tears on Ant’s part but we resolved everything (sort of) by going to the Coffee Shop. We thought the prices would be steeper than regular town coffee (about $4 or $5 AUD) – but these were “extreme coffee prices” at about $9 for a percolated cup of coffee (didn’t appear to be an espresso machine in site). As we were taken to a seat personally – we sought of felt obligated to buy something – so we chose the cheapest drink we could find – a 38 yuan (or $6.30 AUD) “milk tea”. We were sort of expecting a “Bubble Pearl Milk Tea” – but all we got was some hot milk with a tea bag in a high-ball cocktail glass (which gives you third degree burns on your hands when you try and use it).

Going through the eight security checkpoint layers (you get your passport and ticket checked before security by a stamp happy guard, then you get your passport and ticket checked by another security guard then you go through the security screening with yet another ticket and passport check, followed by a ticket and passport check) we made it to the other side. To both of our surprise – there was a “King Power” store. If you have ever been to Bangkok International Airport – you might have noticed that all the duty free stores are all the same and are called “King Power” and are owned by the Thai Government (not really sure who they are at the moment??). That is why we were a little surprised to see a Thai store in a Chinese airport – maybe it is a knock-off “King Power” store??

To my amazement – I found icy cold cans of “Diet Coke” for only 4 yuan each (only 2 more expensive than from in town – but still way cheaper than Australia). Ant and I went a little crazy and bought a dozen cans between us. “I am Nicholas and I have a Diet Coke addiction.”

I was a little concerned about our flight being delayed. Last night when I was on the Sofatel treadmill – one of the CCTV channels was showing Beijing Airport being totally snowed in (yes it is snowing in Beijing) and all the flights were being delayed. However – our flight was pretty much on time (that’s one up on Guilin dammit!). The flight itself was OK although the food was a little sugary to say the least (a bread roll (plain) – with plenty of sugar, a muffin – packed full of sugary goodness followed by a “Custard Roll” with sugar.

Overall – we had a great time at Xi’an. Of course the highlight was the Terracotta Warriors – but, during our time in Xi’an – we had pretty much bowled over all of the tourist sites in the city (which were all great). The hotel was good (no real overheating as we could control the temperatures) and we did a little bit of shopping too (!). Very recommended.

Dallas Dynasty of Melrose Place China Part 23 – Day 17 – Xi’an

We wake up late at the hotel (gawddammit!). There was some CNN breaking news on “This Week in War” with Saddam about to meet his bloody demise. What worse timing than today to get a pack of those Iraq’s Most Wanted Playing Cards… (but more on that later).

After walking past the real “People’s Square” of Xi’an (unlike the fake Accor one) – it didn’t seem to be very “People” friendly with heaps of armed guards and cameras everywhere.

We had breakfast at a Taiwanese Bakery (when you think of Croissants and Danishes – you think of the Taiwanese!). I’m starting to get a bit sick of the Asian Bakery thing. The more further away you are from a big city in China (and by big I mean more than 10 mil) – the worse quality bakery stuff you get – and Xi’an is no exception from this rule. I did almost cause an international incident by attempting to change a 100 yuan note when buying my stuff (100 yuan being less than $20AUD). China suffers from the whole Vietnam “we spit out big notes in ATMs but no one accepts them” disease.

Being really cold – we made a quick pitstop at a “King’s Coffee” shop – China’s answer to Starbucks… except when you order a Cappuccino – you get a latte instead. And Ant got a “Choccouccino” (sounds like a Spanish word for “Gringo” or “Cocaine” or something – “you got the choccouccino hombre?”)… There were these really annoying Brits who were bitching about the quality of the coffee (unlike what I’m doing here in the blog)… They were arguing “Is this the Macchiato?”… or “Is this the double espresso? It’s really weak!”. If you want good coffee – don’t come to China and expect it to be on par with Italy and bitch about it OK?! King’s Coffee also seemed to be playing the best music we had heard thus far in China – Leftfield – just a pity that it is over 10 years old…

We visited the Forest of Stelae Museum – which was full of Chinese calligraphy, carved on stone. There was an interesting mix of Confucius stories, tombstones and art. My favourite was some guy who “got drunk, cried a lot and carved stone thingys – and was called ‘mad’”. Our favourite was the public toilet where they had a sign (in engrish and Chinese) saying no smoking – and a Chinese guy sitting underneath it smoking unfiltered cigarettes. It’s a great mix in Chinese Public Toilets – urine, sh## and unfiltered cigarette smoke!

After the Forest of Stelae – we decided to give the nearby city wall a miss because of the steep rates (40 yuan), the cold weather and the fact that their sign said “We feel guilty about things being closed”. So they should dammit!

Keeping up with our fast food connoisseurs theme – we had lunch at Dicos – a Chinese fast food place which mysteriously feels like KFC. But unlike KFC – their burgers were spicy and tastier. One really odd thing was that the urinals in the bathroom were filled with ice cubes. Maybe that’s what gives Fanta its tangy taste?

We made tracks to a Tao Temple which was just outside the city wall. Although Ant had a great sense of direction – we did get the feeling like we were “hella” lost. It was very “off the beaten track” and I was sort of getting those “South American” sensations of getting mugged. However – Ant was on the right track – we found it – and it was “hella” cheap (3 yuan entrance) and it was “hella” scenic. All the Tao Monks were a little different looking from their Buddhist counterparts – with one guy looking like a deadringer for that old Asian dude from the Gremlins movie. We got our second opportunity to take a “Dodgy Chinese Toilet” photo – with a sort of trough squat toilet thing happening – complete with sexy skidmark styling… They also had the “very hygienic” vertical blind thingys as a door so you have to physically touch these things whilst entering and exiting the toilet. Yummo…

After a brief 5 minute pit stop at the hotel – we headed back to the Islamic Markets as Ant was on a mission for some Terracotta Warrior statuettes. He not only got a statue – he got a pack of four (so lightweight and convinent to bring back to Australia – cough!). He also picked up some propaganda posters for a pricy 110 yuan for two (almost $20AUD). I was on a Saddam card mission – but I didn’t want a pack of Saddam cards with him and his beard post capture – but rather I wanted a set that was current back in 2003. I tried to haggle with a woman for a 2003 set who had an outrageous opening price of 475 yuan for a pack of knock off playing cards (aka around $80AUD) – I wouldn’t budge from 5 yuan for a while. I lost my composure and went up to 10 – which she accepted but then tried to sell me a “Beared Saddam Set”…! I stormed out of the shop – and picked up a set for 10 yuan down the street.

We made a quick pit stop at a China Post so that Ant could wrap his Propaganda posters in a “travel to Australia” conducive sort of way. The people at China Post are like machines – you give them 3 yuan and they box you the world (well not quite). The guy was very handy with a box cutter in a 9-11 sort of way… perhaps I should ring the Australian Government Terrorist Hotline?

After I had a session at the gyme and Ant did a session at the pool – we headed off to the food court where we had lunch on the first day in Xi’an. I had a kickarse seafood/potato/tomato sauce/egg pancake thingy which was excellent and less than $2AUD (even better!).

I had a couple of beers at the foodcourt and I may have bought “Poseidon” on DVD for 7 yuan ($1.10 AUD) (the 2006 version with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas) and some other fake DVDs. The critic blurb on the back of Poseidon says "There is no great romance, no epic special effects, just a lot of terrible dialogue spoken by wooden actors in a film so CGI dependent; I felt like I was watching a video game". What an endorsement…! I can’t wait for Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas to meet a horrible death in that movie.

People’s Republic of Sugary Buns in China Part 22 – Day 16 - Xi'an - Terracotta Warriors

We woke up to some “Rio Bus Fire” action on BBC World. Yeah – I remember harping on about how safe Rio was and how LP exaggerated the threat level back in the Sth America blog – but I didn't think we were expecting gangs to “open a can of whoopa$$” in a big way to bus passengers…

For breakfast – we went to Parkson (an Asian department store) for some really sugary buns (my god I’m still feeling the effects from these buns 2 weeks later)… You could even get cocktails with your sugary buns at Parkson – no joke. “I’ll have a “Slow Screw Against The Wall” with a Croissant please?”

Our mission for today in Xi’an was to check out the Terracotta Warriors (you know – that ancient tomb full of terracotta warriors discovered by a farmer in a well - back in the 70s). But fearing the expensive rip off tours – we decided that we might attempt to catch a local bus that goes to the TW Museum. We were feeling rather brave following our near death experience at the local bus the day before.

We walked from Parkson to Xi’an Central Train Station (which looks like any Central Station in China – very communistic!). We wandered around for 15 minutes trying to find the right bus to catch – but in a bit of a role reversal – I found the right bus (just as Ant was about to give up and catch a taxi).

The bus was very cosy (aka Deep Vein Thrombosis inducing) added with the fact that it was also very bumpy (aka Spinal Injury inducing). However it was a cheap ride (7 yuan or $1.10 AUD per person). On the way to the TW Museum – there were numerous “Counterfeit Terracotta Warrior Shops” (real name!) and a sort of quasi replication of the Sphinx and the Gaza Pyramids (which left both Ant and I pretty clueless).

We were dropped off at the “Terracotta Warrior Carpark Mall” where we had to fend off several touts trying to sell us noodles and other various shi#e. But you gotta love that name…

If the “Terracotta Warrior Carpark Mall” was bad enough – you ain’t seen nothin until you’ve experienced the “International Terracotta Warrior Mall” – which was about one kilometre and a half of sprawling, mission brown and completely empty shops. I’m sure this development was sort of new – but because of the Chinese Cultural and Architectural Timewarp of 30 years – you might have thought it was built in the late 70’s. Mike Brady from the Brady Bunch would have been proud. I’m sure the developers have gone bust or something – which is a pretty telling sign (in my opinion) of the Chinese construction boom at the moment. Overdevelopment is everywhere (even if there isn’t any demand) – and I’m sure a bubble is going to burst a la 1997 Thailand style soon… And another hilarious thing about the “ITWM” was that all the shops were selling the same crap (tacky terracotta warrior replicas and snow cones).

After walking through the 2 kilometre walk through the Carpark Mall and the ITWM, there was a shuttle at the end of the ITWM to the entrance of the Museum for 2 yuan (although it only takes you about 50 meters). Despite being only 2 yuan – we just walked the 50 meters…

Ant and I were a little concerned about how much it would cost to get into the Terracotta Warriors (being one of the premier tourist sites in China) – and were willing to fork out a couple of hundred yuan each to get in. However to our shock – entry was only 65 yuan (just under $11 AUD) – so it was hella cheap…

The TW Museum or Archeological Site is a bit of a “work in progress”. They are still excavating two out of the three pits in the site and there are thousands of Chinese minions painstakingly putting together the warriors/horses, etc – which is taking a lot of time.

Ant decided to heed the Thorn Tree (Lonely Planet’s forum site) advice and see “Pit 3” first, then “Pit 2” and “Pit 1” last. This is because if you see the Pit 1 first – you might be under-whelmed by the rest of the Pits.

That said – although Pit 3 was smallish – it was still impressive with detailed calvery and horses. Pit 2 (at about 8 times the size of Pit 1) was massive – but less put together than 3. Pit 2 contained a cool “mini-museum” containing some of the highlights including the “Knelling Archer” and Officers. Some of the detail on the warriors were incredible (for their age) – a lot of the statues have different features than one another – giving you the impression that they are individuals (not very communistic guys!).

Pit 1 was about the size of Pit 2 but was excavated. It contains the famous masses of army infantry. Although it was a little bit like a mosh pit to get the best view – it was worth it. It would be really fascinating to revisit the TW Museum in 20 years from now to see how much additional work has been done in the site (eg: excavated and reassembling the warriors).

Because of the cheap ticket price to get into the museum – we decided to fork out some extra cold hard yuan for an audio tour. I think I’d rather listen to a Yanni Live in Concert CD – the woman on the audio tour had a complete personality bypass and was like listening to paint dry (if there is such a thing)… Another problem with the audio tour was the extreme temperatures in Xi’an that day. It was cold cold cold and none of the Pits are air-conditioned. In order to function the audio tour – you need to use your fingers (gloveless) – and it was so hella cold – I’ve pretty much lost the use of my fingertips since that day.

We concluded our visit to the TW Museum by checking out the “Exhibition Hall” (also keeping up with the unconditioned theme of the TW Museum). There was some temporary exhibit which was all in Chinese and another huge moshpit to see the famous chariots. I pretty much had to shoulder charge a Chinese guy in order to get a looksee at the thing for a second. We accidentally went to the exhibit on the “Administration of the TW Museum” – which had to be the most shameless bit of self promotion I’d seen for a while. At Chinese tourist sites – they love showing the famous (and not so famous) people who have visited previously. Damn Bill Clinton – how did he and Hillary and that small Clinton get into the Pit on the lower level amongst the warriors?? Chinese tourist sites also love showing Presidents of obscure countries (Hello Turkistan!). This exhibit was no exception.

On our way back to the bus (via the ITWM) – there were people trying to sell us animal skins by shouting out “Hello! Animals!” – animal skins aren’t high on my shopping list – no thanks!

When we arrived back into town – I started to feel nauseous. What better place to eat when you are nauseous than KFC!... ahem… Ant and I are becoming fast food connoisseurs here in China (the shame) – and we both came to the conclusion that KFC was hella better than Mc Donalds – although their “Spicy” burgers aren’t really spicy and they did serve us some weird orange cordial drink rather than coke…

After a big day (and me not feeling well) – we went back to the hotel where I rested and watched a Monkey Magic movie (or the last 20 minutes of it). They were all played by different people than the TV show – and at least Tripitaka was played by a man. The production values in the movie made Monkey look like an extra in the 60s version of Planet of the Apes – and I don’t remember Monkey in the TV kid’s show calling women “whores!”…?! Another television highlight was the “World Juggling Federation” on ESPN. Perhaps the ESPN Ocho from the movie “Dodgeball” really exists??!

After a rest – we did some more “Sushi Train” at a nearby Sushi Restaurant. Although there weren’t heaps of “Mushi Mushi!” and Japanese kitsch – they did have a better selection of food than Guilin and it was cheaper too – which always means a plus in my books.