Dallas Dynasty of Melrose Place China Part 23 – Day 17 – Xi’an

We wake up late at the hotel (gawddammit!). There was some CNN breaking news on “This Week in War” with Saddam about to meet his bloody demise. What worse timing than today to get a pack of those Iraq’s Most Wanted Playing Cards… (but more on that later).

After walking past the real “People’s Square” of Xi’an (unlike the fake Accor one) – it didn’t seem to be very “People” friendly with heaps of armed guards and cameras everywhere.

We had breakfast at a Taiwanese Bakery (when you think of Croissants and Danishes – you think of the Taiwanese!). I’m starting to get a bit sick of the Asian Bakery thing. The more further away you are from a big city in China (and by big I mean more than 10 mil) – the worse quality bakery stuff you get – and Xi’an is no exception from this rule. I did almost cause an international incident by attempting to change a 100 yuan note when buying my stuff (100 yuan being less than $20AUD). China suffers from the whole Vietnam “we spit out big notes in ATMs but no one accepts them” disease.

Being really cold – we made a quick pitstop at a “King’s Coffee” shop – China’s answer to Starbucks… except when you order a Cappuccino – you get a latte instead. And Ant got a “Choccouccino” (sounds like a Spanish word for “Gringo” or “Cocaine” or something – “you got the choccouccino hombre?”)… There were these really annoying Brits who were bitching about the quality of the coffee (unlike what I’m doing here in the blog)… They were arguing “Is this the Macchiato?”… or “Is this the double espresso? It’s really weak!”. If you want good coffee – don’t come to China and expect it to be on par with Italy and bitch about it OK?! King’s Coffee also seemed to be playing the best music we had heard thus far in China – Leftfield – just a pity that it is over 10 years old…

We visited the Forest of Stelae Museum – which was full of Chinese calligraphy, carved on stone. There was an interesting mix of Confucius stories, tombstones and art. My favourite was some guy who “got drunk, cried a lot and carved stone thingys – and was called ‘mad’”. Our favourite was the public toilet where they had a sign (in engrish and Chinese) saying no smoking – and a Chinese guy sitting underneath it smoking unfiltered cigarettes. It’s a great mix in Chinese Public Toilets – urine, sh## and unfiltered cigarette smoke!

After the Forest of Stelae – we decided to give the nearby city wall a miss because of the steep rates (40 yuan), the cold weather and the fact that their sign said “We feel guilty about things being closed”. So they should dammit!

Keeping up with our fast food connoisseurs theme – we had lunch at Dicos – a Chinese fast food place which mysteriously feels like KFC. But unlike KFC – their burgers were spicy and tastier. One really odd thing was that the urinals in the bathroom were filled with ice cubes. Maybe that’s what gives Fanta its tangy taste?

We made tracks to a Tao Temple which was just outside the city wall. Although Ant had a great sense of direction – we did get the feeling like we were “hella” lost. It was very “off the beaten track” and I was sort of getting those “South American” sensations of getting mugged. However – Ant was on the right track – we found it – and it was “hella” cheap (3 yuan entrance) and it was “hella” scenic. All the Tao Monks were a little different looking from their Buddhist counterparts – with one guy looking like a deadringer for that old Asian dude from the Gremlins movie. We got our second opportunity to take a “Dodgy Chinese Toilet” photo – with a sort of trough squat toilet thing happening – complete with sexy skidmark styling… They also had the “very hygienic” vertical blind thingys as a door so you have to physically touch these things whilst entering and exiting the toilet. Yummo…

After a brief 5 minute pit stop at the hotel – we headed back to the Islamic Markets as Ant was on a mission for some Terracotta Warrior statuettes. He not only got a statue – he got a pack of four (so lightweight and convinent to bring back to Australia – cough!). He also picked up some propaganda posters for a pricy 110 yuan for two (almost $20AUD). I was on a Saddam card mission – but I didn’t want a pack of Saddam cards with him and his beard post capture – but rather I wanted a set that was current back in 2003. I tried to haggle with a woman for a 2003 set who had an outrageous opening price of 475 yuan for a pack of knock off playing cards (aka around $80AUD) – I wouldn’t budge from 5 yuan for a while. I lost my composure and went up to 10 – which she accepted but then tried to sell me a “Beared Saddam Set”…! I stormed out of the shop – and picked up a set for 10 yuan down the street.

We made a quick pit stop at a China Post so that Ant could wrap his Propaganda posters in a “travel to Australia” conducive sort of way. The people at China Post are like machines – you give them 3 yuan and they box you the world (well not quite). The guy was very handy with a box cutter in a 9-11 sort of way… perhaps I should ring the Australian Government Terrorist Hotline?

After I had a session at the gyme and Ant did a session at the pool – we headed off to the food court where we had lunch on the first day in Xi’an. I had a kickarse seafood/potato/tomato sauce/egg pancake thingy which was excellent and less than $2AUD (even better!).

I had a couple of beers at the foodcourt and I may have bought “Poseidon” on DVD for 7 yuan ($1.10 AUD) (the 2006 version with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas) and some other fake DVDs. The critic blurb on the back of Poseidon says "There is no great romance, no epic special effects, just a lot of terrible dialogue spoken by wooden actors in a film so CGI dependent; I felt like I was watching a video game". What an endorsement…! I can’t wait for Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas to meet a horrible death in that movie.